It’s so hot. Anybody feel like getting on the water? Because we could propel a tugboat clear to Hawaii using the giant underpants I’m wearing right now.

I love wearing big ol’ panties during my period. I don’t wear them to work because it’d be awfully hard to squish them into my jeans without cutting off my blood circulation. But believe me when I tell you that the second I get home, I’m tearing my street clothes off, hopping in a cold shower, and putting on a housedress and my hot air balloon undies. Come light a match under me and watch me float away.

You need airflow down there when you’re on your period, especially if you’re not using tampons. Things can get sticky otherwise. I have a very specific loosey goosey panty rotation I make sure is washed and ready to go every month before I start. I need about three pairs a day, not because I’m having accidents, but because I’m a freshness freak. My sister thinks I’m nuts for this. She makes little comments whenever we travel together. “Which ones are you wearing now, your apéritif panties?” She sent me with that one. Also, how did she know?

Everything is cotton. Work panties, lounge panties, bedtime panties. No synthetics. My equatorial idli sambar vagina is evolved for the moisture wicking capabilities of cotton. I have a heavy flow the first few days. It tapers off by the fourth day, but it lasts for the entire seven days. Some women’s periods stop by day four entirely. Even when I’ve been sick, this hasn’t happened to me. Mine’s like a lingering guest the house turns into a laundromat for.

Nobody really teaches you what pads to wear because every woman’s flow rate and deltas are different. My mom started me off with a jumbo thing of Kotexes and that was about it. She wasn’t fussy about periods and bought whatever was on sale. I wanted to be adaptable like her. Once early on, my sister set me up with an thin pad at nighttime. Ooo, an upgrade. Too bad I woke up like the guy in The Godfather, except the horse’s head was my own vagina. My poor sister got yelled at for that one. She was just trying to help me be cool on ultra thins with wings and all.

We learned the hard way that I’m an Always Overnights kinda gal. You know, nut to butt afterbirth pads catching women’s placentas post-partum? The kind that go down from your belly button up to your lumbar spine? Try pressing one of those onto a thong. (Thongs, a hateful topic for another day. Just go commando.)

I haven’t tried the period panties being hurled at me on Instagram. One of my friends has such a heavy flow that she has three systems in place at all times: the period panties, a tampon, and a pad. My period is not nearly that dramatic. Something that’s helped me over the years is exercising a lot during days 1-3 to get it to gush out faster. It also keeps my lower back muscles from cramping up.

I’m not a diva about daytime pads. I have my standard preference, Stayfree Ultra Thins with wings, which I order in bulk. I ordered them online on Amazon for the first time during the pandemic, quantity: 4. Turns out I ordered four cases. I could have built an ADU out of them. But I often punch the machine in the bathrooms at school to get those free bulky pads, and they work just fine too.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of to share about pads and panties. Here’s a clip of Leanne Morgan, one of my comedy idols, talking about her love of big panties. I don’t want anything in my crack either. 🍑