The Great British Thesis Committee

The show opens with Noel wearing a football kit, tapping the ball across grass toward a suit of armor.

NOEL: Oh hello. Rather short for a knight, isn’t it?

He lifts the visor to reveal Sandi.

NOEL: What are you doing in there?

SANDI: Preparing for the thesis defense! What are you doing?

NOEL: Preparing for the thesis defense! I’ve really improved my footwork. Nothing will get passed me.

SANDI: Oh really?

NOEL: You know, I’ve been called the George Best of actors.

SANDI: That’s probably for your hair. Do you actually know what a thesis is? Because I haven’t got a clue.

NOEL: No, but we better get a move on.

Noel exits, kicking his ball with him.

SANDI: Wait! I think I’ve rusted!

The camera shifts to inside the tent.

NOEL, from off-camera: Our competitor today has spent the last few years honing their academic prowess under a mountain of PDFs, and they’ve emerged, laden with citations, to have their thesis judged by a panel of experts.

PAUL: Now then, would you care to bring your thesis up to the front?

Prue smiles broadly and radiantly in the competitor’s direction. She looks down at the thesis, looks back at the competitor. Her smile grows.

Paul glances briefly at the thesis, then glares directly in the competitor’s direction, unflinching, a mix of condescension and mild confusion on his face. It’s unclear if he’s looking at the competitor or through them.

PRUE: For this challenge, we asked you to complete a thesis. We wanted to see imagination, meaningful engagement with the existing body of scholarship, and a thoroughly explored area of research.

PAUL: But most importantly, it has to read well.

PRUE: I see you’ve chosen to include your family in the acknowledgments. That’s… encouraging. Traditional.

PAUL: Now, from the top it looks all right. Decent introduction, good research questions. But turn it over, and, oh yes, there it is.

Paul flips to the conclusion .

PAUL: You see that Prue?

PRUE: Underbaked.

PAUL: You just pulled it out too early. You should’ve left it in for at least another semester.

PRUE: Just ran out of time, didn’t you?

PAUL: Now then, let’s cut into it. Oh, this takes me back. This literature review reads just like the ones me nan used to write.

PRUE: This literature review is exactly what we were looking for. It really tells us something about who you are, where you came from, and what coursework brought you to this moment.

PAUL: But moving on down, your, ah, actual research…

PRUE: Ah, this is where you ran into trouble.

PAUL: Stodgy. It turns to cement in your brain as you’re reading it.

PRUE: I’m not sure you know the meaning of the word methodology.

PAUL: Finally, your findings.

He turns the page, makes a show of looking confused. He turns to Prue, shakes his head.

PRUE: Disappointment.

PAUL: I’m not going to read that. It’s completely raw.

PRUE: Not quite your best, was it?

PAUL: Better luck next year.

PRUE: I’m sure you’ll do better.

PAUL:

PRUE:

PAUL: Soggy bottom.