myself is the best story i have. and also the story i don't want to write.
this is a make or break moment, friends. i'm standing on the high dive looking down at the surface of the water, not sure if i can jump. what looked like a reasonable distance when i had both feet on the ground now appears dangerous. am i going to write the truth in these emails? or am i going to capitulate to my nervous system screaming "existential threat! existential threat!"?
i've been sitting at my keyboard for hours trying to find the right next words. typing and deleting. typing and deleting.
i've thought more than once about heading back down the ladder and ignoring my failed jump. it's not like you're watching your inboxes and waiting, right? i could probably get away with it.
since that's not the outcome i think i want, i'm going to drop a few raw outtakes below so there's no going back. unedited jottings from my notebooks that were never intended for anyone's eyes but my own. none of these are complete in any way, just little nibbles of things to come.
***
my fifteenth year gave me my first look at "who i really was." when my parents were out one day, i searched their bedroom for any clue that might reveal my true origins. i don’t know why i thought there might be something there to find, but i did find it. a single piece of paper from the adoption agency with one paragraph about my birth parents, tucked away in my mother’s nightstand. i remember trembling as i saw the letterhead, printed with the name of the adoption agency. my heart pounded as i read the words again and again. it existed. proof that i was real, all of me, even the part that came before.
***
in my dream, i was renting a room or rooms from someone. i had to meet with them in person. i was either renting two different rooms pretending to be two different people, or renting the same room twice and pretending to be a different person the second time.
***
should we talk about the box?
you put one girl in a box and another girl appears.
it’s a magic trick.
but magic is not alchemy or transmutation.
what disappears is only hidden.
sometimes the magician brings back the disappeared thing and people applaud.
sometimes the magician keeps it hidden and people applaud.
***
and there it is. when i hit the "send" button, i'll discover what taking the plunge feels like. i don't expect it to feel particularly good. i think it will be more like the hard slap of water on my skin. but i will have done it.
