Sycamore Press #18: Wakeful Living & Floor Sleeping

Something must be different this time. Hard to say what, but there’s no mistaking it. That something’s changed, I mean. Look at the calendar! When was the last time one of these went out before the month even turned over? (A year — it's been a year since that has happened.)

And, look, sure, it may already be well after midnight EST, but the point stands! Let me have this win! I need a win!

“‘It's like a hole in my life, an eight-year hole. That's what I find interesting in people's lives, the holes, the gaps, sometimes dramatic, but sometimes not dramatic at all. There are catalepsies, or a kind of sleepwalking through a number of years, in most lives. Maybe it's in these holes that movement takes place.’

—Gilles Deleuze, On Philosophy”

—Tumblr User proustiansleep, text post

*I didn't want to put on airs like “oh yeah I've been reading Deleuze lately” — hell, for all I know this could be an egregious misquote or misattribution, and I don’t really care to look it up at the moment.

What’s the haps?

It’s been a pretty eventful month! Work has been relatively busy, which is good. Doing more experiments has meant more successes but also more failures, which can be really frustrating. Still, the progress I’ve made is not to be downplayed. Any experiment (or even part of an experiment) that actually works is a gift, and these small wins help to countervail the mounting late-stage-PhD panic.

Sonora’s been on a roll too, selling loads of prints and zines and jewelry and putting stuff on display in so many spaces that I’ve lost track!

I’ve been making time for personal stuff too, of course. Some of it has to do with my appearance — not in a vain way…or at least only in a slightly vain way maybe. Just trying to better embody my truest self. I’m learning to have more patience with this process, and I’d say it’s coming along.

Another big personal thing is getting on the waiting list for a psychiatry evaluation. I still have kinda complicated feelings about psychiatry and medication as it pertains to me personally, but there’s no denying that there are things going on in my brain that makes parts of my life just excruciating. Therapy certainly helps, but I figure it’ll be worth hearing what the psych folks have to say.

That appointment probably won’t be for a while yet though, by which time it will almost certainly be uncomfortably hot here again. The summer can be really rough. For example, I had such a great time over the past month attending that Album Listening Club I mentioned in previous newsletters, but now that’s all wrapped up until August. Boo!

<overlong diversion into the author’s neuroses>

Still, I am feeling hopeful that this summer will be somewhat less lonesome than the last. I am trying to invest in these new friendships, especially as I come to reflect on how friendship relates to my overall needs and values. I am trying to listen to my feelings, which have been telling me for a long time that friendship is in fact a very high-ranking need and value of mine, maybe even in excess of what is considered “normal” in my current sort of social-cultural context (which includes many career-driven people in competitive fields and young couples thinking about starting families — both things which can edge out the pursuit of friendship in people’s priority list for perfectly valid reasons).

I am getting more comfortable with the idea that it’s OK to have grieved my physical proximity to my closest friends for well over 3 years now and to continue to grieve. I am also wising up to the fact that it’s not a worthwhile strategy to just “wait it out” or to distract myself by throwing myself into my work or reaching for whatever numbing agent is close at hand.

Given all this, it’s been so nice to meet folks with whom I connect on more than just a superficial level. However, as a Big Feelings Haver, these growing friendships with kindred spirits can be overwhelming. Even with my longtime friends, who have given me every possible affirmation, I get a lot of self-conscious anxiety after we say goodbye — a kind of sucking feeling in my chest like it’s going to implode.

So I guess this conclusion to this whole spiel is that I feel both unusually strong excitement and unusually strong anxiety about forging new bonds. And having all that going on has made it kinda hard to keep my head on straight!

</overlong diversion into the author’s neuroses>

On a completely unrelated note, longtime SPress subscribers might recall that over a year ago (!!) I asked for fragrance recommendations as I was looking to dabble in the hobby. Well, lately — in part because of all the fun I’ve had reading ridiculous-sounding Fragnatica reviews — I decided to order four little sample vials from LuckyScent. I’ve only tried wearing one of them so far. I kind of thought it would be this photo-realistic forest smell, but it mostly just smells like any other green/herbaceous perfume to me. Still, it’s nice and fun to wear, and I’m looking forward to trying more! (Recs still welcome via e-mail to asksycamore[at]mailbox[dot]org!)

Oh, and one final thing: in a last ditch effort to rid myself of some persistent neck pain, I have been experimenting with sleeping on just a yoga mat on the floor. This is obviously a pretty extreme sleeping situation, but in doing so I have actually managed to fall asleep while lying on my back, which don’t think I’ve done since, like, ever! I’ve had an easier time getting up in the morning too, even though I do usually wake a couple of times throughout the night. My reasoning is that once I actually buy a floor mattress/futon kinda situation, it will be like Rock Lee taking off the ankle weights while fighting against Gaara in Naruto!

Art & Media Intake Report

I am sad to report a frankly uncharacteristic and catastrophic failure in the literature reading department. Unread pages of Ulysses loom heavy. It’s not like I haven’t been enjoying it! I’m just not picking it up habitually the way I ought to if I’m going to finish this thing any time soon. Maybe I’m too wrapped up in my own stream of consciousness these days to spend my free time reading someone else’s…

Great month for music though. Been listening to a lot of these bands:

• Pidgeon, a SF bay area band that put out some really solid and fun records in 2004 and 2008. They’re kinda loud and aggressive and brash while also being poppy and occasionally complex with a pretty good sense of humor to boot. That description doesn’t really do them justice though, and it probably calls to mind something much more “cringe” than what they actually deliver. “California (Is For Fuckers” and “Fiona” are both solid tracks to start with.

• PEE (also P.E.E.) is a San Diego band, I think, and take many many pages from Heavy Vegetable’s (and Rob Crow’s in general) proggy-mathy-poppy playbook. They kind of inflect that sound in a more midwest emo-tinged way though, despite being west coast-ers and putting their stuff out contemporaneously with or even ahead of a lot of the iconic midwest emo releases. I’ve been especially digging their second LP The Roaring Mechanism lately, which is a bit tighter and more polished composition-wise than their better-known debut Now, More Charm and More Tender.

• Smart Went Crazy is this kind of brainy, cynical Dischord Records band who probably don’t sound all that dissimilar from what you’re imagining based on that description. They do have a few tricks up their sleeve though — including cello! There are a lot of tracks on their 1997 LP Con Art that I just love. “Funny As In Funny Ha-Ha” is good, but I especially adore “A Good Day.” Damn right! It was a good day.

• 幼虫社 [Yochusha] is something else. If you like old video game OSTs, delicate folk/art/progressive pop, or the kind of music you find in the form of a cassette rip on YouTube with under 350 views, definitely check ‘em out.

• Novos Baianos are already well known to many, but I was just turned on to their 1972 classic Acabou Chorare a few weeks ago. And hooooooly moly is it amazing. Instantly makes you want to dance but also full of so much emotion and such impressive composition and performances. “Tinindo Trincando” is so breathless and lively and scratches this sonic itch that usually sees me reaching for Steely Dan or Stevie Wonder or the Mothers of Invention. And something about “Mistério Do Planeta” feels spine-chillingly ahead of its time, like the song could be released 20-30 years after it was (hell, even now) in a totally different genre and would have still been a masterpiece. It’s hard to explain.

…And that’s a wrap for music, and for this section, pretty much. Final rec for ya is corru.observer, a Web browser game/experience that really seems to push the limits of its medium, especially as it progresses. Great soundtrack too! I actually haven’t finished it yet, but I can definitely recommend it. I went in without knowing anything about it beforehand, and I think that’s probably the best way to go about it.

Blog & Webcomic Updates

Somehow, I was able to whip up four new panels almost immediately after finishing the previous update. Despite how quickly this one came together, I think it’s some of my finest work to date — visually, at least. I was particularly excited to recreate bits of the Kirby Air Ride UI and to give Nina’s character design a bit of a refresh, making their Borzoi-ness more explicit.

I have the next strip decently far along, so that should be out soon. Keep an eye out! I'm actually kinda hoping to put out quite a few in quick succession if I can manage it, as I've got about the next eight or so updates planned/”scripted” out! We may even encounter some continuity at some point…

I've got a blog post in the works too. I never really got into a rhythm of writing stuff like that regularly, so I'm hoping to build momentum with this first one. Be on the lookout for that too!

Reflections

I started writing this newsletter over the weekend while feeling pretty good, and I’m finishing it in the immediate aftermath of threeish days on which I felt (for a whole host of reasons I’ll not even begin to get into) really really bad. The ending I had in mind doesn’t work quite the same anymore, so I’ll leave you with something a little more immediate.

Like I said, I’ve been having a tough go of it. Real dark thoughts. Like, DARK. Serious ish. But then I made my world-famous and definitely 100% original recipe for orecchiette pasta and broccoli in a creamy turmeric sauce topped with toasted hazelnuts. And now I feel great! Cook this as soon as you are able. Eat it. Share it with a loved one. You too shall be healed.

OK, I was being a bit silly just then. While I maintain (as several newsletter subscribers can attest) that the pasta really is that good, I’m also feeling better because I’m looking at my little cartoon drawings that other people actually also look at and typing this long-ass e-mail that, to varying degrees, some of my favorite people in the world — including people very very far away — will actually read. What a feeling.

Hey, if you happen to be reading this as it comes out (which is pretty damn late at night for most folks), go on and get yourself a good night’s sleep now why dontcha! I’ve kept you up late enough with my rambling.

Much love & TTYL!

—————————————————————— N.