Wounded healers.
"Some stories don't end happily, but science, the heart's teachings, and the soul's revelations assure us that redemption is always possible for every human being. As long as there's life, there's a chance for renewal. The ultimate question is how to support that possibility in others and ourselves." - Gabor Maté
I'm a sensitive soul – a freckled, stocky guy with a compassionate heart.
At times, I can be crazy, intense, and impatient.
Quirky, crass, and a bit melancholy.
I might come off as a bit of an ass, but I like to believe I'm a lovable one.
Most of my personality was a defense mechanism rooted in childhood trauma. Through self-awareness, I've learned about my character defects and redeeming strengths, all shaped by lived experiences. It's been a battle to survive and find a way forward.
My self-awareness journey revealed that my good doesn't always outweigh the bad. Still, I haven't let that hinder me from becoming a better version of myself, even while dealing with my AD(H)D mind.
I grappled with the desire to rush through life trying to outsmart everyone around me, combining moments of insecurity and cockiness.
Humor and intellect became my shields, keeping others at arm's length but hindering emotional availability.
Owning the good, bad, and ugly of my story made me realize I'm not a victim.
This awareness pushed me to confront myself, allowing trusted souls to check my ego in life-giving ways.
In simple terms, I had to grow up. Growth, I learned, occurs in life's valleys, and I believe the same holds true for you.
Pain clarified things for me. Forgiving those who should've protected me and acknowledging life's unavoidable scars transformed my pain into a gift. Unchecked pain leads to reactions, defenses, and hurting others – mostly driven by self-preservation or, in my case, ignorance.
For the longest time, I struggled to describe my feelings. Distracting myself through various means kept me from facing my own soul.
In the past decade, I've embarked on a healing journey, asking for help, being vulnerable, and surrendering.
I share my story to highlight a simple truth: our deepest wounds are our greatest gifts.
A wound led me to search for a mentor, a fatherly figure – a quest that took me across the States and the world. The journey was a gift from my wound, pushing me out of my comfort zone, helping me grow, learn, change, and ultimately find personal freedom.
My emotional unavailability mirrored my upbringing, a symptom of the struggle to stand on my own two feet.
Kindness to myself without imposing demands on others became crucial. External problems transformed into internal struggles to accept reality. Along the way, I discovered that my wound was a source of inner strength, not just for me but for others – a healing connection.
You see, my friend, we all crave vulnerable, authentic voices, and I hope to continue to become one.
The challenges I've faced serve a higher purpose, one I may not fully understand yet.
That's okay.
I just need to keep showing up, paying attention, asking heartfelt questions, and sharing my journey.
Wounds are gifts, yours and mine.
We're just two beat-up beggars walking each other home. Viewing our wounds this way makes us less likely to condemn anyone, especially ourselves.
Today's post was deep, but I wanted to go first, shining light on the darkness of my battle. Every step of faith is a step into the dark, and there's no greater journey than the inward one.
I hope you're encouraged to do some soul-searching today...or this decade.
If you want to talk about it, find someone you know, love, and trust, and risk being truly seen.
Warts and all.
You'll be surprised by the power of sharing in each other's struggles.
Be honest. Be you.
- Steve Knox | Austin, Texas
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This is the new vehicle for my weeklys as Tinyletter is shutting it's doors. I look forward to continuing the journey into 2024 on the weekly with you. Don't forget to forward or share this with your circle of amigos. Thanks as always for reading!