Stop Your Yapping
Confession: I hate small talk.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not very good at it or if those superficial conversations lack depth. One thing I am certain of is that we’ve lost the art of meaningful conversation.
Several factors rob us of our ability to have good conversations.
Firstly, there's our collective addiction to our smartphones.
According to MIT professor Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation, 89% of people take out their phones during a conversation, and 82% of that same group say it deteriorates the interaction.
Turkle’s research highlights a simple fact: we are knowingly destroying our ability to connect.
I’m guilty of it too.
Then there’s our collective addiction to rushing through life.
Road rage.
Multitasking.
Anxiously racing from one appointment to the next.
Trying to navigate the work-life balance equation.
This consumer-driven, max-out-everyday pace of life robs us of our ability to truly connect.
Additionally, there’s our collective addiction to talking about our favorite subject: ourselves.
We’re distracted and destructive. It’s no wonder we lack the skills and emotional acuity necessary to pay attention to the person right in front of us.
I wanted to write this post today as a reminder to myself (and to you) about the importance of being able to make good conversation.
Which begs the question: What makes a good conversationalist?
Here’s a list of qualities I believe we can all appreciate and develop:
Good conversationalists ask thoughtful questions.
Good conversationalists are genuinely interested.
Good conversationalists are super curious without being nosy.
Good conversationalists make us feel seen and heard.
Good conversationalists aren’t just waiting for their turn to speak.
Good conversationalists are present.
Good conversationalists have a willingness to learn.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: questions are the lifeblood of conversations. Thoughtful questions—asked with care, consideration, and conscientiousness—not only move the conversation forward but also connect us with the person(s) we are speaking with in authentic and meaningful ways.
It’s essential to consider who we are talking to, the emotional state we’re both in, how much time we have together, and the energy between us if we hope to ask thoughtful questions.
We cannot fake interest.
Either we’re focused on the person in front of us, or we are daydreaming about our next whatever.
Every person we meet is interesting if we’re interested in them. Everyone has a story. Everyone has something to teach us. Everyone brings value and diversity to our lives.
Being interested is about focusing our time and attention on who is right in front of us. People can sense disinterest and distraction from a mile away. We’re not fooling anyone but ourselves when we try to fake it.
Curiosity is a kind of superpower.
The best conversationalists I’ve encountered are almost journalistic in their approach to soaking up information and learning through thoughtful questions. It’s like watching a talented artist paint: they start with a blank canvas and create something beautiful to share.
Curiosity also means “to care.” Being genuinely curious about others is a gift to the person we’re speaking with and to ourselves. It says to that particular soul: you matter.
That’s what curiosity does and is.
Feeling seen and heard is a natural byproduct of good conversations. We walk away feeling less alone, less afraid, more ourselves, and more at home in the world.
Good conversationalists make everyone in their orbit feel more connected.
They highlight the best in others, tie together disparate thoughts and situations, affirm what it means to be ourselves, encourage us in times of doubt, and spur us on to keep moving forward. They leave us feeling more hopeful and alive.
There’s nothing worse than the old one-up-I-can-top-that game in a conversation. It’s a conversation, not a competition.
Competition means there’s a winner and a loser. That sounds and feels like a debate, doesn’t it?
Conversation literally means “to turn about.” It’s about reciprocity, giving and receiving. Waiting for our turn to speak is soul-destroying because there’s no true connection happening, just a volleying back and forth of opinions.
Listening to understand is a much better way to have a good conversation.
It’s impossible to multitask in a conversation. We’re either present or we’re not. There’s a huge difference between hearing what’s being said and listening behind the words to what is truly being communicated.
Good conversations are built on more than just good intentions; they’re about paying attention to everything that’s going on: body language, facial expressions, maintaining eye contact, respectfully following up, and listening attentively. We know when we’re fully present and aware, and so do others.
Lastly, good conversationalists have a willingness to learn.
They are happy to talk about a wide range of topics. They don’t have to be the expert, have the last word, or steer the conversation. They simply arm themselves with a willingness to explore any given topic. This openness and honesty make the conversation real, authentic, and engaging.
There’s a certain charm and attractiveness to someone who delights in how we think and feel about the world. It’s pretty special, if you ask me.
Here’s the good news: this is a skill we can all develop.
If we want to be good conversationalists, we have to leave our ego out of it. We have to be open to new ideas and ways of life. And we have to be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I’ll close with an ancient proverb:
Two good talkers are not worth one good listener.
Steve Knox | Georgetown, Texas
\\\ Thanks for reading! You’re why I write. I encourage you to keep the conversation off yourself and on the person(s) you’re dialoguing with. And don’t forget, good conversation is really care in action. So lean in today. Listen fully. And, learn. Much love. Be honest. Be you.