On Handling Criticism (with a bit of grace).
I think I was 7 or 8 years old when it happened.
I was staying at my friend Ed’s house, a beautiful two-story Colonial in the upscale part of our little town in Eastern North Carolina. We were chucking rocks at each other for some godforsaken reason that I can’t recall these four decades later.
I hummed one at him a little high and it ricocheted off the top of the stone fence and I heard glass break.
We both looked at each other as if we’d just launched a nuclear weapon that ended the earth, then hightailed it back inside, and pretended that nothing happened. Both waiting for the explosion.
His dad dropped me off back across town at my house around lunch that day.
I walked around with a heavy cloud of guilt and a pit in my stomach all afternoon. That night when the phone rang, I knew my charade was up.
Turns out that haphazard toss crashed through the window of my buddy’s neighbor’s almost brand new BMW passenger-side-window.
When my dad hung up the phone, the questioning began. I fessed up, took my licks, and felt both relieved and devastated at the same time.
This trip down memory lane is exactly what criticism feels like. When it hits it hurts. Intentional or not. It f’ing hurts.
Every.
Single.
Time.
If you’ve been paying attention these past 7 years I’ve been posting, you know what I’m about to say: our critics are our best teachers.
True story.
Sometimes their criticism is warranted.
Sometimes it’s them projecting their own BS onto us.
And, sometimes, if we’re lucky, the criticism is a beautiful lesson in disguise.
Regardless, those words mark us. Break us. Just like the window of that BMW. Shattering our fragile egos into a million little pieces. And, there we stand. Confused and looking around for the sneaky little culprit who ruined our day.
I bring all this up, because if you’re reading this, you’ve probably endured your fair share of criticism.
Maybe it’s a tape that’s been on replay for ages and ages in your head.
Maybe it’s the voice of someone you call spouse, partner or friend.
Maybe it’s one or two folks at work who you just can’t win over or please.
I don’t know. But you do. You know those voices well. You’re all too familiar with their criticism. And, you understand the brittleness and sensitivity of words that cut, slice and fracture.
I’ve come to understand that sometimes that criticism is helpful, useful and good. And, when it’s BS, projection, or just someone else’s insecurity on display.
If it’s the latter, you don’t need to apologize. You can simply say: “I appreciate your perspective and I understand how someone might feel that way or think that.”
If it stings a little bit. Bruises your ego. Or, makes you want to throw down. I’d encourage you to simply say: “Thanks for that feedback. I need to process what you’re saying.”
Wounds from a friend can be trusted. True story.
I like to put pen to paper on those moments. And, do a bit of soul searching. When I have the courage to do so, I usually gain a bit of perspective and some real insight into a blindspot or two.
For those of you dealing with constant criticism, it’s okay to step away from the toxic person or environment. That’s not good for anyone to try to endure.
There’s a big difference between personal attacks and constructive criticism. One tears down. And, the other builds up.
I love the three questions a friend of a friend in recovery shared on the subject: Before you share feedback with someone, ask yourself - Is this kind? Is this true? Is this helpful?
If it’s not, maybe just maybe we should keep that little judgement to ourselves.
Don’t you think?
+++
Steve Knox | Scottsdale, Arizona
\\\ Thanks for reading! I hope this hit home in a real way for you. Your comments and feedback are welcome. Just hit reply or email me: steve@steveknox.us And, if there’s a topic you’d love ol’ Steverino to tackle please let me know that, too.