A change in my brain
I’ve noticed a change in my brain and my own “snappiness” over the last five years, and only recently have I been able to form a hypothesis on what I think is going on.
If we rewind about ten years, conversational sparring and idea jamming were things I loved. It was easy for me to build on ideas and go back and forth thinking through a problem. I spent almost every day doing this with Doug for years. When COVID hit and we were forced out of the office, I lost that daily dynamic with my peers and friends and it felt like that muscle started to wither.
When I was on calls with clients and coworkers, my brain started to feel slow, like I didn’t know how to respond anymore. At the time I chalked it up to me getting dumber and being away from the office. It’s been over 5 years since COVID started and honestly I don’t know if I’m even back to my original state. BUT. I've been paying a bit more attention to my brain over the last 6 months and have noticed a pattern (or maybe this is all just cope).
Most of my pauses in conversation are acts of precision. I find myself thinking (and often saying) “this might not be the best choice of words” before continuing. And I try to identify the words that best depict the idea or sentiment I’m trying to communicate.
The negative angle here might be that my brain is slowing as I get older, and no longer surround myself with the same caliber of people as regularly as before (sad face). The positive spin I am putting on it is its actually a consequence of spending so much time reading and trying to write. Before, I was fast because I dealt in vagaries. I would use nonspecific language and generalities. Today, I am slower because I aim for specificity.
I find myself in conversations at work regularly asking people to get more specific. The more specific I try to be the more sensitive I become to people who gloss over ideas, criticisms, and problems and a surface level. And often, if I dig one level deeper, I find: it’s not a real problem. I don’t mean this as “oh I’m so smart”, but more of a recognition of what I was doing for years. It’s hard to truly dissect an evolving idea quickly (at least for me) and still keep conversation instantaneous. I think taking a moment to formulate my thoughts makes everything better: my thoughts are clearer, more accurate, and hopefully easier to follow.
Whether I’m actually getting dumber or just pickier with words, I’ll never know. Maybe after reading this you’ll have a clearer view and can tell me (I can take it 😆)
Currently reading
White Teeth by Zadie Smith – I've been meaning to read this since the Tumblr days when I first discovered it. It's a story about two families and their histories (apologies for the vague description). Takes place in ~90s London but spans about 100 years of the families' histories and what made the characters who they are. The characters are hilarious and irritating and it's wild to me this was her debut novel.
The Mending of Broken Bones by Paul Lockhart - This name is wild, but it's a book about Algebra. Paul is a math professor who also writes books about numbers and math. His books are consistently interesting and great. I stumbled across this one in a local bookstore the other weekend and had to pick it up. I'm only a few chapters in so far -- more to come.
PS: I'm still kind of on track with my projects and what I want to get done before the year ends. I'll write more about that another time.