Reflection #6  The Hauntings

Some nights,
I wake
to the hum
of memory’s projector—
rewind,
play,
rewind again.

Old scenes flicker,
sharp-edged moments
still stinging.
Uninvited,
they return.

I rise,
sip water
like a sacrament.
The past—
I meet the woman I was.

She whispers in the shadows
“Don’t betray me.
I did the best I could

for who I was in the moment.”

At 3:00 a.m.,
I remind myself:
everyone I love is safe.

I pull the blanket

over my shoulders,
loosen my grip
on the stories,
and let them
drift
into
the dark.

The above poem was inspired by this Reflection.

Reflection #6 The Hauntings

“What peace can we hope to find elsewhere if we have none within us.” –Teresa of Avila

I have nights when I awaken replaying, then rewinding and replaying again, the past in my mind. These are scenarios and incidents that haunt me. They trigger disturbing emotions. Holding onto these memories causes me great stress, but I can’t seem to rid myself of them. Just when I think one of these unpleasant memories or thoughts is gone, it jumps up once again. Often in the middle of the night. All I know is that these stories take up too much room in my mind and heart. If I could go back in time and fix it, I would. Perhaps that is why the scenario replays over and over… and over.

So, I’ll rouse myself out of bed and get a glass of water reminding myself that that past life no longer exists. It’s over. Done. Life is not a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. It is not as if I simply turned to the wrong page. I did the best I could for who I was at the time. I am shaking off the idea that life could have unfolded differently. Now I do better because I know more.

From time to time, I have a conversation with the woman I used to be. Looking from my present perspective I must say that I would have made other choices and done things differently. But then I hear that younger women say, “Don’t you dare betray me. I did what I had to do. I didn’t have the mature perspective or level of understanding you now have. Clearly, you are now a different person. Please honor this reality.” In other words, to find healing I need to embrace each decade of my life along with its flaws and accept them.

So, at 3:00 am, I sit on the edge of the bed and bring myself back to my present reality reminding myself that all that is past. That everything is all right and everyone I love is safe. Through the years, time and again I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and remembered who I was. As I crawl back under the covers, I loosen my grip on the hauntings. Bit by bit I let them go.

Now it’s your turn

Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.

Who are the people you can share your deepest feelings and thoughts with?

a)    I have one or more persons I can share my feelings.

b)    I wish I had someone to confide in, but I don’t.

c)    I have friends but we don’t share personal matters.

d)    It’s fine if I don’t share my thoughts and feelings.