Reflection #34 Marriage (Redux)
The Gap Year: Navigating Life in Times of Transition Reflection # 34 Marriage (Redux)
“We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become.” –Clare of Assisi
My 41st wedding anniversary was last week. Forty-plus years of marriage is a long time. It has taken skillful navigation as both of us have changed through the years. With each decade we’ve learned to modify our expectations about our relationship. Now, entering our fifth decade, neither of us is the carefree younger person we first dated. I feel like I’ve lived through multiple marriages with the same person.
We’ve stayed married, not because our relationship is perfect, but rather because we made a commitment and stuck to it. With this commitment and a bit of skill, our marriage is satisfying. We are both able to be accommodating and complimentary to one another. Even now, we give each other emotional and social space to grow. Not every one of our decisions is mutual. A general guideline is that each of us is responsible for our relatives; visits, gifts, and weighing in on life decisions. We are in charge of our bodies and choose our friends. Time apart is important. We communicate pretty well but know when to keep silent or say everything we are thinking. As Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg offered, “In every good marriage it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”
Over the years Dale and I have had our struggles. I can’t say we were meant for each other or soulmates. We jokingly said, “You’re not what I prayed for, but you must be the answer.” Dale and I have more years behind us than ahead of us. Years sneak by quickly. Then suddenly they frighten us and remind us that we can’t waste our time on misunderstandings, needing to be right, pettiness, and other silly stuff that soils relationships.
The benefits of our present life feel tremendous. It is a time for people we love, time to read and craft, and time to volunteer and do the work we most want to do. Right now Dale and I feel rich. Words can’t express what it feels like over a lifetime to have someone to listen to me when I’m troubled and hug me when I’m down. We keep each other warm and safe. The gift of security can’t be overstated. There are requirements I have for a husband. These are rarely found in real life; tenderness, a sense of humor, and the patience to put up with me. Fortunately my beloved has them in abundance. I am richly blessed, and I wish the same for you to enjoy these blessings too.
Now it’s your turn.
Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.
When I think about my closest relationships, present or past I:
a) see how both of us have changed through the years.
b) am glad I made a commitment and stuck to it.
c) feel that the benefits of my present life are tremendous.
d) know that tenderness, humor, and patience have been essential.