Reflection #28 Missing the Mark
The Gap Year: Reflection #28 Missing the Mark
—Patricia D. Brown
“Everything that is in the heavens, on earth, and under the earth is penetrated with connectedness, penetrated with relatedness.” –Hildegard of Bingen
In these early days of retirement, I find myself rethinking everything I’ve ever done. What have I made of my life? What have I become? Why did I do this and not that? It is not so much thinking about what I’ve done but what’s been unaccomplished. In earlier years I had ideas of what my life would look like. Some of these dreams became a tremendous drain on my time and energy.
There have been days when the thought of what might have been was eating at the center of my heart. I thought I’d be a noted leader or sought-after speaker. I thought I’d be able to play a musical instrument or write a bestseller. These thoughts pretend to be reflections— a kind of measurement of the years. In truth, I wonder if these “reflections”, that claim to be insights, may be regrets. Deep down it feels more like a failure than understanding. Now, I look where I’ve landed and see where I’ve fallen short of my intended destination.
I’ve always been ambitious, wanting to give my best in whatever task or job I undertake. Some call this a Type-A personality. As a teenage hospital volunteer, I logged over 1000 hours of service. In my first college term, I earned a perfect 4.0. I simply enjoyed using my abilities and creativity for the joy they brought to me and for helping others. My hope was, and is, to use my gifts and talents to do something that will make a difference to the world, or at least my small piece of it.
I pause here to say that ambition was not an esteemed trait for a woman in the 1970’s. (And, seeing a woman on the Presidential ballot again, I wonder if this may still in some ways be true.) Ambition, applied to a woman, was an insult. Male colleagues could be ambitious, they were viewed as go-getters, and it was a virtue. An achieving woman, one who was assertive, and competitive, with a desire to have the power to make the change, and the self-confidence to say no, was viewed as overreaching and suspect. They were told to pay their dues; and wait their turn. Anyone who rose too far above average was crushed, with a notable exception of a few. If the victim was female, the slander and speed were doubled to prevent her from becoming too confident.
Can we revise the views of our past decisions with a kinder more open heart? Is it time to let go of the stories that have taken up unhelpful room in your and my mind and heart? Letting go of these stories dramatically changes what we see. Yes, it sucks when life doesn’t turn out how we’d liked. Now I tell myself daily to not focus on who I’d planned to be or what I’d expected to have. Focus is instead on who I am and what I’ve built. . . I hope you’ll do the same.
Now it’s your turn.
Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.
Recently or in the past I’ve found myself:
a) rethinking everything I’ve ever done.
b) thinking about what I’ve left unaccomplished.
c) taking pleasure in the successes I’ve planted.
d) acknowledging that I’ve made a difference.