Reflection # 27 Friendship
The Gap Year: Reflection #27 Friendship
“Let the tongue of the flesh be silent when I seek to express my love for you, and let the tongue of the Spirit speak.” --Clare of Assisi
One can truly understand the benefits of friendships in later life. The friend is a place of rest. A safe haven for minor vices. For venting. For panic. Even for childish displays. You can say things to friends that you conceal from others. It’s the ability to talk freely. Friendship can expand our horizons, and lead us to understand new issues and new ways of looking at the world. This kind of friendship is precious and offered by few other pursuits.
I’ve come to think there may be two types of friends. The first type of friends are those on the road. You just pass them along the way. Most of whom I worked with fell into this category of “friends on the road”. I referred to them as my “work friends” because our relationships centered around our congenial collaboration in job-related tasks and projects. With this perspective, I was not disappointed when I’d lose touch with them once I or they moved on. Of course, a few would keep in touch for a bit. Since we no longer shared the day-to-day work tasks, life moved on.
The second type of friendships is the friends for life. These continue with us for years and years because they are firmly planted in goodwill. Goodwill is a precondition of a lasting friendship. Goodwill is the understanding that the person is more than utilitarian. But more important than goodwill is good faith. Good faith signifies that one person has the other person’s best interest at heart. With good faith, we do not believe rumors that the friend has wronged us. We can share secrets or ask for advice without worrying that the friend will share information with others. Friendship is reciprocal; good faith runs both ways.
As you grow older you will very likely lose a friend whom you love, like maybe a sister, neighbor, or classmate. When you do, you'll kick yourself for missing out on the five minutes you could have spent with them. So, find the people you want to be around and be around them. Invent a ridiculous excuse to spend an afternoon or evening in their company: Go shopping for light bulbs, watch them buy groceries, whatever. Call the person you love most right now and say, “I have to buy an ink cartridge for my printer. Would you like to come along?”
If we are lucky, as we age, we will rediscover the sheer fun of friendship. To make a new friend is to embark on a new adventure. I hope to have more friends rather than fewer. Now retired I have time for more friends, old and new. This choosing and investing time in friends is a mark of my independence. Friends are needed for comfort and advice… but mostly, they are for sharing and enjoying life.
I share a poem. It was penned by Betty Anne Galloway. I met this amazing woman, a graduate of Bucknell University and resident of Danville State Mental Hospital when I worked as a chaplain.
Friend
What is a friend but (s)he who knows
The deepest of our cares and woes
And seeks to ease the weary load
To set one on a smoother road.
Whose hands are always at one’s call
Who loves the joyful overall.
Whose tongue is never sharp or curt
Who understands how not to hurt.
Who seeks all life through our eye’s ways
And never holds back love and praise.
And so my friend accept my thanks
For filling life’s great solemn blanks.
Now it’s your turn.
Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.
As I think about friendships I:
a) wish to find the people I want to be around and be around them.
b) now have time for more friends, old and new.
c) have friends of good-faith and goodwill.
d) am embarking on new adventures with new friends.