Reflection #23: Time of Release
The Gap Year: Reflection #23 Time of Release
by Patricia D. Brown
“Out of suffering comes the serious mind; out of salvation, the grateful heart; out of endurance, fortitude; out of deliverance, faith.”. –Teresa of Avila
I was taken aback but not surprised when they called me into the manager’s office. I’d quietly watched as other employees had been “let go” due to downsizing. Now my position was being eliminated and my duties were assigned to another. Mandatory retirement or choosing to retire can be planned for. I’d planned to do so in another year, so this unexpected ending brought shock and disappointment. Life suddenly felt a little ram shackled. I was not in control. Others determined when my work came to an end. As my job quickly evaporated, I was stunned and confused. “What am I supposed to do with this?”
On my final day, I shut down my computer and packed my bag one last time. I took off my name tag and set it on the desk with my keys. On the way out I turned out the light. I looked back over my shoulder one last time and as I walked out the door realizing I was done. I’d officially joined the retired ranks.
In the weeks that followed I replayed my story of what had happened to anyone who would listen. Looking back I see that this was important in my movement to heal the hurt. My interior shift came as I slowly no longer needed to repetitively recite the details of my job loss. As the weeks pass, I continue to release my hold on the hurt.
There are many scenarios on how retirement happens. You may have been fired or replaced. You were told to pack up and leave at the end of the day. Or, you were humiliatingly escorted out the door making the transition even more difficult. Some plan and look forward to retirement from the day they start their first job. My sister-in-law, who recently retired, inserted a countdown as a screensaver on her computer. When the day came, I picture her practically dancing out the door.
How many times have we opened a gift that we did not ask for and did not want? Today, I see retirement as a gift. At the time it didn’t feel like it. I am relieved to let go of the relentless deadlines and required reports to justify my keep. Having lots of open time is refreshing. Retirement can be a gift. A gift that opens up right in front of us like the perfect parking spot. It is a gift of time and opportunities. But, it may take a while to recognize it.
I’m gaining an inner sense of worth, not for what I do, but for who I am. It is a transformation from the inside out. Like a crustacean, I am outgrowing and shedding my employment organizational shell, even when it leaves me feeling a bit naked and vulnerable. This feeling of release is both liberating and disorienting –depending on the day.
Now it’s your turn.
Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.
My retirement came when:
a) I was “let go” due to downsizing, and I felt…
b) I had a mandatory retirement, or I chose to retire, and I felt…
c) I was fired or replaced, and I felt...
d) I looked forward to the day of my retirement and danced
out the door.