Reflection #20 Wounds of Betrayal
The Gap Year
Reflection #20 Wounds of Betrayal
“We need to fall, and we need to be aware of it; if we did not fall, we should not know how weak and wretched we are of ourselves, nor should we know our maker’s marvelous love so fully.” -- Julian of Norwich
I feel embarrassed to admit it at my age. Even as I retired and said goodbye to my former life and aspirations… I still had seeping wounds. Each time I’d acknowledge these wounds it both renewed the pain-- and humbled me. I’d find myself just wishing they’d go away. Evaporate.
Inside some of these old wounds were anger. As my anger subsided, I was left with feelings of hurt, disappointment, or betrayal. But, as I worked to sort out and name the places and times of harm, my deepest saddest emotion was hurt. Most were old hurts that had festered for years. Then I realized that the objects of my wounds, constructed over the years, could become an obstruction to my present life. But now, with each passing week of retirement, what is behind me grows smaller and smaller, minimizing the distance.
In this new time, I’ve been sitting with this traditional Buddhist wisdom, trying not to be too condemning of myself or others. I shared this reading with a support group. After our meeting, a number of the women whispered in my ear. Stories of their struggles, hidden wounds, something they carry inside that hurts. Here’s the reading.
For all the ways I have harmed another in any way
Either knowingly or unknowingly,
Through ignorance and confusion
I ask forgiveness.
For anyone who has harmed me in any way
Either knowingly or unknowingly
Through ignorance and confusion
I offer my forgiveness.
For all the ways that I have harmed myself,
Either knowingly or unknowingly
Through ignorance and confusion,
I heal these wounds with forgiveness.
Here is what I am learning. First, to move on, we have to attend to our wounds. Then we can begin to imagine a time when we can free ourselves from our stories. Keep our eyes on where we’re going, and not where we’ve been. (I’m still working on this.)
My hope, for myself and my friends in this stage of life, is that we see all we’ve learned from our experiences --so we do not repeat them. We go back to each place in time and appreciate the good we received and the fine people we met. To treat these memories with compassion. And, just perhaps, the ways I’ve been hurt and the ways I’ve faltered make us useful to other people. Perhaps it is our wounds that make this togetherness possible.
Now it’s your turn
Take time to reflect and if in a group, share as you feel able.
There are different phases in our way to healing. At the moment I feel:
a) anger at what I went through.
b) that I still have feelings of hurt, disappointment, or betrayal.
c) that my hurt is growing smaller and smaller with each passing day.
d) I am strong and resilient, and taking the time to heal.
—-Patricia D. Brown (Tricia)