Acceptance

I had a moment recently as I was working on my online store and yet again getting so incredibly stressed out that the latest thing (figuring out the HS codes for my products so customs doesn’t get mad at me) wasn’t as straightforward as I thought it was going to be. I realised: I am doing it wrong.

I am doing this whole ‘work’ thing wrong. Because I know, I truly believe in my heart, that it does not have to be this exhausting and stressful. Somewhere along the way, through bad habits picked up and unhealthy workplaces setting examples that are not fit for me, I have created a work and learning rut. And I inevitably fall into those well-worn grooves every time I sit down to ‘just force myself to get this done’.

I am spending time with a dear friend, I’m building something that is unique and exciting, I’m sat at my cosy desk area I’ve curated to be calming and inviting. Yet what I’m bringing to the sessions are unkind expectations of myself and an immense amount of pressure. I’m so focused on where I want to be that I fail to accept the reality of where I currently am.

So. I took time to reflect on my learning needs:

• Being in a controlled environment where I can manage the warmth, noise and brightness levels

• Being able to take spontaneous breaks

• Being around patient and accepting people

• Body doubling

• Having accessible snacks and plenty of water

are all things that are necessary for me to even begin doing any work. These are things I already know about myself and have access to regularly. So then a second, parallel, approach of looking inwards is going to be a key factor:

• Evaluating my expectations of the session before I go in. Are they reasonable? Do they hinge on a preconceived idea that needs adjusting?

• Having faith in myself - even if I find some parts difficult that doesn’t mean there aren’t solutions or ways to make it more accessible.

• Being curious about what kind of feelings would help make learning fun. For me: feeling playful and relaxed. Okay so what does it mean to feel playful and relaxed?

• And on and on

The third prong of this Spam Learning Fork: Asking for help. Asking myself what parts do I need to do myself and what parts can I let go of and/or get help with? I’m doing a huge undertaking (designing and creating an online store from scratch but all this work will apply to future learning and projects I embark on too) and sharing the workload will get me there in one piece. Maybe even with a little energy to spare.

So that’s where I’m at. Trying out different methods and seeing what helps and what doesn’t while being kind to myself and accepting that it will take as long as it takes. It not being done yet is not a failure – no value judgements are necessary – it simply is. And I’ll keep working on it until it’s done and look for ways I can take it easier on myself.

Witches

What I’m reading: The Field Guide to Witches. Curated and published by 3dtotal Publishing who donate 50% of their profits to charity and are working to make the publishing industry better for the world and everyone living in it.

Beautifully curated and put together, this is a wonderful collection of works. Each section has some info on the research the artist did on their subject, their planning and ideating sketches and thoughts and then a large finished piece. It’s a joy to get an insight into how each of these artists approach their work and see their take on these mythological figures.

It feels like a celebration and spotlight of a role that has historically been used to subjugate and oppress women. As someone who suffered because of society’s expectations and requirements for what a woman ‘should’ be it’s refreshing to centre and embrace stories of those who stood out. Who didn’t let a small thing like gender stop them from pursuing their goals. That’s what witches embody to me – following their own ideals and rules – not just mindlessly conforming to the norm. And that is badass.

Pride

Feeling pride implies a level of self-belief and confidence that I have only just begun to cultivate. A self-assurance, security and stability when my inner world right now is the most tumultuous it’s ever been as I process decades of trauma and my needs not being met or pushed aside – by others and by me.

So to turn around and put myself out there. To attend an event that is a celebration of our differences from the norm, our non-conformity. To refuse to be silent or miserable when so many filled with hate would prefer we shut up and suffer quietly… It is powerful. It is monumental in fact. Especially as people with a lot of power are trying to take even more rights away from trans people right now.

To show up. To feel community. To celebrate my existence. I’ve come a long way from the scared little mouse in their cave avoiding anything that could potentially hurt me. So much so that I have met with and am making plans to get involved with my local queer community!

Sitting in a room of peers discussing ways we can improve our local area felt so incredibly vital. I’m tapping into something that resonates with the very core of my being. It is a joy to discover that this feels incredibly meaningful and fulfilling to me. That there are things I can do that energise and fuel me. I’m excited to volunteer my time and skills to making positive change and to help shape the future of my area.

Happy Pride everyone. You are valid and loved.

We have always been here. We will always be here.

<3 Spam