Hello! I am here now
Hello.
This week was kind of wild, and it was predicated by a big rave.
I've been spending a lot of time at Recurse Center the past month or so, and as always it's been a spiritual journey. Writing software and my relationship to it has always been loaded subject matter.
This past was NGW (Never Graduate Week) where all Recursers convene and catch up, and be weird, and you get inspired by everyone's deep interests. I don't usually participate so deeply, but this week I really did and it was so fun.
I gave a presentation on the Fantasy Console I'm working on called MoonCon. Apparently everyone is very impressed that I'm writing it in C but as I mentioned in my talk, they really should not be. Also some folks are wanting to help contribute to it, so I have to hustle to make it easier to build on other systems.
ALSO it is so early and it only really is a live coding environment for writing Lua which hooks into graphics calls. My next step is to design and implement a virtual machine and then create a console environment that people can make games on.
I do not know why this has become my singular focus, but it really has.
Another special moment was someone had hosted a "Neurodiversity Checkin" and I got to meet a bunch of other neurodivergent folks. I've been having some realizations about myself in that I'm certain I'm on the spectrum, and I'm seeing how I need to make some adjustments in how I treat myself and how I show up in my relationships. Also so many folks were sharing their experiences and it was nice to hear about it, especially from other Asians.
Anyhoo. Recurse center is such a happy place for me. I need to keep focusing on what I'm doing. I think when I get to caught up in social dynamics I feel really overwhelmed, and I need to carve out more time for my special interests which has always been a primary form of coping with being alive.
I also had some sweet conversation with young genderqueer folks finding their expression and confidence in who they are. It felt really good to be able to be able to listen to them and also be a guide and friend to them. I'm grateful I'm a sensitive person. A lifetime of hypervigiliance transmuted to something beneficial feels important to me.
OH AND: I stood on one leg for 4 minutes and 2 seconds so I broke a world record during the talent show.
ALSO I had a conversation with someone from the Processing Foundation. Not about work, but about how I can contribute. And I'm going to explore that avenue. They were very gender queer, very smart, and we were exactly on the same page when it comes to our pedagogical viewpoints. Also on how shitty corporate life is.
In June I'll be doing some live sound I believe, and I'm going to get trained. And I'm going to use that money to pay my rent and keep moving towards joy.
The only people who inspire me are researchers, educators, and artists. (And therapists and doctors and social workers). And grant writers, and accountants, and environmentalists and engineers. And writers and journalists, too. Also all the young neurodiverse and transgender children who are essentially magic beans that will lead us to a future I will never perceive once I'm finally laid deep into the dirt. Worms and snakes crawing in and out of all the new holes emerging by the process of my decomposition.
I feel good when I focus on tending to me. I always have to do that first. Because it is the only thing that allows me to show up as a healthy person with humans. If I think that being with people is all that it takes then I'll crumble and ruin all my relationships. I hate how dark my thoughts become, but this book "Unmasking Autism" is kind of working wonders. Also "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" fully has worked me over. (ACoEIP if you need to save time)
Moon