Pill 🗞️ Slow News Day #71

Hey,

“I think today’s a good day to do it,” I mumbled. “At least if I don’t feel good, most of it’ll be over the weekend.”

I brushed off the fact that’s a pretty messed up thing to say and kept looking at the little white pill in my hand.

I opened my mouth to talk, stopped, paused again.

“I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?” asked Bex.

“I, uhh–” I stuttered. “I’m scared I won’t feel good as my body gets used to it again. Or that maybe I can get better without it.”

Last time, I’d had splitting headaches and a big dip in my mood and functioning. It lasted a week or so, but it felt a bit unfair that the thing I’d turned to for help made things feel worse for a while!

We talked some more, had plenty of hugs. We look after each other — and empower each other to look after ourselves. I remember writing something four years ago along the lines of “you’re the reason I’m on antidepressants” — a celebratory, grateful account of how Bex helped me see mental health medication in a new light. I learned to see Sertraline as just another tool I can pick up and use when I need it.

Now I’m back here again, five or six months after stopping, staring at that innocuous little pill in the palm of my hand and trying to remember the idea that it's empowering. It's got smooth curves and tiny stamped lettering in it. That something so small can do anything against something that can feel so big is remarkable.

Yeah, maybe I could get better without it. I’ve been doing plenty of things to try and make that happen already, with some success. But there’s no particular set of routines that magically fixes things, no perfect shape of a lifestyle or singular choice that makes it better. It’s just graft and a mix of tools and techniques that balance things out as well as they can, laying a foundation upon which I can start rebuilding myself.

It feels a bit like a big deal and it also feels like just one rational choice out of many to get myself back on an even keel. It’s big, it’s nothing, it’s life, it’s circles, it’s change, it’s comfort, it’s hope.

It’s a step in the right direction, I’m sure of that much. The act of making this choice, in itself, is helpful. I’m advocating for myself, you know?

Slow down guide

Need a little help moving slower?

Ease your way out of Friday afternoon with this newsletter, a nice cup of something, and a little background music. Steal my setup if you aren't sure where to start.

After I press send, I’ll be rootling around in the boxes and bags that Bex filled at un_rap the other day. There’s coffee to be found in there. I’m such a sucker for zero waste/refills when it comes to coffee, as I go through enough bags that I’m always a little bit aware of their outsized contribution to my waste footprint. If I’m not mistaken, we’ve got some of their Steadfast roast on the go. It’s good, it’s local, it’s package-free. Thumbs up from me.

I must have shared this week’s track with you previously, but I’ve been replaying it with an unbridled ferocity this past week. Another Michael’s Common Ground might just be my song of the year. (Hold tight, Spotify Wrapped.) The harmonies, the notes and progressions, the gentleness that’s somehow thick with weight and meaning. Have fun with it, it’s Friday!

Take it easy,