Message 🗞️ Slow News Day #44

Hey,

I have a habit that I love to beat myself up over. I tell myself I’m terrible for it. I always dive into the depths of it and find new ways to be appalled at myself.

I don’t reply to messages.

And here’s the really interesting wrinkle of it: I do it almost exclusively for people I really care about.

Some recent (and regular) examples include: Christian, Felix, Holly, Mike, Judith, Edouard, Kat and Henry. All of whom are really dear to me, whom I value and treasure. Some of these people wrote to me in February and I’ve been thinking about their unopened messages every day since. Every day. No word of a lie. It’s like a milestone around my neck that I hate and love.

I talked about this in my last therapy session and came up with a few thoughts about how and why I do this.

• I want to give the ‘best’ version of myself to these people in our conversations, so I tell myself to wait until I’m in that place.

• I imagine that I’m burdensome, as I imagine I either have nothing interesting to say or I’m not feeling great in that moment.

• I imagine that I’m not interesting and they’ll suddenly realise that when I respond.

• I worry that they’ll ask something of me that I feel unable to give, so I hide away to stop that from happening.

• I’m scared that I’m different from how they know and remember me, so if I reveal myself as changed in our conversation, they’ll not like me anymore.

Awareness is one thing, but action is another… and it’s the harder part. I don’t really know what I’m going to do to about it, at least not yet and at least presuming that there’s something to be done.

Sorry for the lack of satisfying answers; I’ll keep you updated as I learn more about myself and how to handle my crazy little brain.

Slow down guide

Need a little help moving slower?

Ease your way out of Friday afternoon with this newsletter, a nice cup of something, and a little background music. Steal my setup if you aren't sure where to start.

After I press send, I’ll be taking my pick of the three coffees I brought back from Rotterdam: Ripsnorter’s Rwanda Intego, Giraffe’s Ethiopia Uraga, and Shokunin’s D.R. Congo Katana. All most certainly worth your time (I’ve already put them through their paces), but probably not your money if you’re ordering from the UK. Dutch and EU friends, these three are for you.

The best accompaniment to a punchy coffee might just be What Goes Around by Sjowgreen. Just let the first minute play and you should see why I’m offering it up on a platter. That guitar, man. Headphones make it even better. Mmmph.

Take it easy,