Generalised 🗞️ Slow News Day #67

Hey,

“How were you feeling, mate? Happy to have it out the way?”

My best man’s speech was possibly the easiest part of the day. I knew what I was saying, I knew that they wanted me to do it, and I knew that the room was on my side, so to speak. The chances of booing or a torrent of rotten vegetables felt pretty low.

The hard part was waking up with a sense of impending doom, my body tense as if under threat.

The hard part was trying to suppress it all day, sometimes succeeding and sometimes feeling it lurch back into me with renewed vigour.

The hard part was feeling myself drift out of presence in important moments or in pleasant conversation, too focused on my internal sense of panic to embody anything else.

This is life with a generalised anxiety disorder. It’s stupid, I think. It’s real, I lament.

People told me I seemed composed and calm, delivering that speech. I can only laugh at how different my internal world feels compared to the external perception of it.

And that’s the real hardest part, I’ve realised. That the way I feel isn’t reflected outside. Masking is a weird thing, but I get why I do it. There’s not a lot that can be done; my anxiousness doesn’t stem from a specific thing, it’s just there — very literally disordered. Telling people about how I feel has never changed my physical experience of it. Still, masking can be as tiring as the experience of anxiety itself.

And — this is a big and — I had a wonderful time celebrating a special partnership with a beautiful, moving, perfect day.

To be me, right now, is to be a big mix of confusing, competing things. I’m still working on it and I’ll keep on typing into the void as I make my progress.

Slow down guide

Need a little help moving slower?

Ease your way out of Friday afternoon with this newsletter, a nice cup of something, and a little background music. Steal my setup if you aren't sure where to start.

After I press send, I’ll enjoy the last of Darkwoods’ Arboretum Espresso roast. It’s light and works beautifully in the Clever Dripper. Darkwoods ticks all the boxes of good business: B Corp, Great Taste awards, 2% of turnover to community projects locally and in producer communities. Before any of that, though, they make a banging cup of coffee. Drink it in.

And a final request: please, please listen to Even on Bad Days by Flyte this week. Not since bike again by runnner have I had such a poignant, perfect song to share with you. This has been on repeat for weeks and it cuts through to some special, quiet part of me that needs it every time. This song deserves a million ears.

Even on bad days / The world is gonna spin

Take it easy,