Alone 🗞️ Slow News Day #42

Hey,

I am never alone. Like, genuinely, never. Maybe one or two days in a row at most. I’m with Bex basically every day, or I’m with family or friends or colivers (who are a mix of both).

But I am never on my own, solo, out in the world. Haven't been for 4+ years.

It’s a weird thing to realise and a hard thing to admit. I’m so used to being in companionship and having another person there to be some kind of comfort or sounding board or reference point for my existence and purpose. It’s a kind of insidious, creeping habit that feels very lovely when I’m in its grip but, when it relaxes, the discomfort is stark.

And so rewind to Friday afternoon, when I boarded a train from Leicester to St Pancras to begin my winding weekend journey towards two weeks in Rotterdam. Walking onto the platform, my heart was pounding. “How embarrassing,” I thought, “one minute on my own and my anxiety is through the roof.”

That’s kind of continued since. On and off, I find my heart racing and my chest feeling simultaneously tight and hollow. I’m panicked and familiar thought patterns set in.

See, my anxiety has a lot of roots in being alone and imagining that I don’t know what I’m doing, who I am, how to be on my own, and plenty of other corollaries. It’s kind of weird that I’ve set out on a trip that I know will trigger me. Two weeks on my own — a massive trigger. Time spent abroad without speaking the language — another massive trigger. All I need is for a heatwave to strike and I’ll have a 100% hit-rate for my biggest anxiety triggers.

But the other side of all this is that it feels really important. Like a healthy way to challenge some of my slightly more extreme beliefs and self-stories. Learning that I am complete on my own is a critical part of, well… being happy? Being content, being self-aware, being self-confident?

I’m not saying this is me on a perfect #PersonalDevelopment journey, but it does feel significant. Sometimes it feels really shitty and scary, but I guess that’s a necessary part of the process.

I find myself really embarrassing when I admit that I’m never on my own — and that I don’t really know what to do or who I feel I am when not in relation to another person. Thanks for reading this, I guess. I make myself feel good when I imagine you judging me — because it vindicates my idea that I suck (if you judge me negatively) or because it gives me hope that I’m okay and accepted and loved (if you judge me positively).

Anyway, that’s me for the week. I appreciate you reading this and I hope you’re doing well, especially if you’re on your own.

Slow down guide

Need a little help moving slower?

Ease your way out of Friday afternoon with this newsletter, a nice cup of something, and a little background music. Steal my setup if you aren't sure where to start.

After I press send, I’m going to be spoilt for choice. Rotterdam is spoiling me for choice with coffee shops and roasteries. So far, I think my favourite café has been Cafe Unfiltered. Super minimal, all-white place with lovely speciality coffee (and filter as well as espresso, so that’s always a bonus). I had this cool experience as I sat in there for the first time: I really felt my heart rate drop and my body relax. Everything was gentle. Peaceful. The fixtures and fittings started to change from ‘all-white’ to tonal expressions and soft shades. White became cream, ivory, grey, speckled. Not to toot my own Slow News Day horn here, but it validated my belief that the right coffee in the right place at the right time can be transcendental.

I can’t promise my musical accompaniment this week will be transcendental, but I know it moves my heart in just the right way — makes it skip, makes it invert. Blue by Laura Elliott is a bit of a heartbreaker, all about unrequited longing and the smallness that follows it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the kind of feelings she sings about, but this song takes me back to that place. Beautiful, sad, beautifully sad. Pure agony, pure aching humanity. And it sounds damn good, too.

Take it easy,