Dear Friends,

It's amazing to be this far out from the end of my time at my job — the end of my old life — and to realize how easy it has been to stay busy. I fully pulled back on 40+ hours' worth of obligations a week and still haven’t been able to devote myself to all the things I imagined I would. I'm not certain whether this has to do with overestimating my new capacity or the clear indications in my schedule that nature abhors a vacuum, but regardless, I had planned to write for myself more, and that is something I have barely done.

I am six weeks out from my last day of corporate employment, and it's only been in the last week and a half or so that I've started to deeply process the change. My dreams have been full of everyday scenes from the office and normal, mundane conversations with my old team. The work required for a group school project involving presentation slides triggered a full stress response. Working in a group to put together a presentation for an ethics class is very different than owning the slides for a 700-person town hall, yet my body didn't seem to know the difference.

I've also just now felt ready to connect with anyone from that job. The truth is, I don't want to know about that place or what's happening there, but I do want to know how my friends are doing. There's a large amount of healing I need to do from the stress and the level of masking that I had to do for nearly a decade in order to maintain my sanity, and even talking about it can have me feeling like those neural pathways are starting to fire up.

I also know deep in my bones that my time in that world wasn't all bad. In fact, a lot of it was wonderful. I learned an immense amount. I worked with brilliant people whom I cared for and who cared for me. I had fun. I laughed a lot. My inability to show up as someone other than me (even with a necessary corporate filter) allowed me to make real connections. I'm thankful for what I learned there, not just the skills and knowledge, but the understanding of what I will and won't tolerate as my life unfolds from here. I’m taking so much good away from that part of my life.

Let me back up. I started off telling you about the things I haven’t yet done since I left my job, so let me tell you about the good parts of my life right now.

I feel tightly connected to my children. I am in their schools most days for one reason or another. I'm dropping them off. I'm picking them up. I'm volunteering. I'm going on field trips. I'm getting to know teachers at the school and other parents in new ways. I'm living this luxurious life where I get to put my energy into their community in a newly intentional way. I have loved every second.

I am able to spend more time talking to my friends, in particular with the people I'm in seminary with. We're getting on Zoom hangouts, having hour-long phone calls, and digging deeper with each other. I have also spent more time with colleagues who are already ordained, most intensively at a retreat earlier this month. I spent three days on a mountain with people who looked me in the eye, placed their hands on my shoulder, and told me I belonged and that I was with my people. I realized during that time that while I exist in so many communities, including several congregational ones, I don't have enough deep time with people who share and understand my vocational context. Making these new friendships has been so grounding. I knew who I was already, but now the earth under my feet feels even more solid.

I'm going to the gym most days. I'm listening to podcasts that make me laugh and reading for pleasure alongside study. I'm going to the movies! I'm digging into a new t.v. shows! I'm sharing solo meals with my wife. I'm sleeping more.

I am also finding time to fall on my knees and slow down, whether in the grass or in my room, to connect with whatever is out there that is greater than me. I lament the state of the world. I listen to inner guidance on how best to be of help. I offer joyous gratitude for things like the opportunity to see images of our planet and our moon sent back by those poets we sent to space. I offer thanks to the younger parts of myself that have gotten me to this point in my life, and I commit to doing all that I can for future versions of myself. All parts of me need nurturing and hard work to flourish.

Yes, certainly, many moments a day, I find myself panicking about money and how we will support ourselves as a family as this year stretches on. Perhaps coming back to write today is mostly an exercise in reminding myself that I know that I'm on the right path, and that I cocreated this period of my life with intention and thoughtfulness… that I am ok and will be ok.

I think that right now my wish for most everyone I'm in community with is that they would also have the ability and inclination to slow down from time to time. I wish for our country that we will find the strength and conviction to be the everyday revolutionaries we so desperately need — that we will stick to our morals, values, and convictions and live them out loud. I pray for peace. I try to live true to my beliefs. More than anything, I am grateful for so very much.

I send love to all of you, along with gratitude. May you find moments of connection today that bring you back to yourself and to your joy. Thank you for being my companions.

More soon.

With care,
Rachel