My Days
Shalinee in Sevilla
I feel like whenever we set new goals for ourselves, there’s always a period of doubt and frustration. We start out with high hopes and then have those hopes dashed. This past month was that point for me. The last couple months, even after the fires and the strange start to the quarter as a result, I was filled with hope and inspiration. I was convinced that I could do all of the things I wanted: I would work out consistently and go to museums and imbue my life with culture and make time to write and engage with literature. I would see all my friends and also make new ones and be a social butterfly. And of course, I would be on top of all my school work, start new projects, read papers on the side, etc. etc.
But it’s harder than I thought. It feels like there simply aren’t enough hours in a week to do all the things I want to do.
It seems to me, both from observing my friends and from my own experience, that the business of your twenties is building a life. We’re the youngest kind of adult, and we’re trying to figure out what that means—what adult life is. How do we keep things exciting, when our average every day life might be somewhat repetitive? How do we keep in touch with all our friends, especially the ones who live far away? How do we get our errands done? How do we run a household, feed ourselves, remember to go to the dentist? How do we make meaning in it all?
In the fall, everything felt so novel. I was in this massive transition, and it felt filled with possibility. Now, I’m beginning to get used to this next phase of my life. And I so dearly want to be intentional about the way I shape my day to day. I think that’s the best way to sum it up—I want to feel like I am being intentional with my time, rather than just swimming from task to task, never getting my head above water. I want to work towards the version of my life where my inner monologue isn’t a constant loop of “Ughhh I have so much to do, when will I do it.” Maybe, this is simply impossible. Maybe I will always want too much. Even if I get all my school work under control, there will always be more books to read or movies to watch, more places to go or people to see. But I feel so conscious of the fact that the way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives. And I want to feel good about my days. I don’t want to keep waiting for some unattainable version of my life where I’ve figured it all out. I want to build that life, brick by brick.
Right now, I’m not entirely sure how. Like I said, with any kind of goal setting, I think there always comes crisis of faith. For much of the last month, I was feeling that crisis. But I am starting to remember that these things take time. I am starting to accept that everything will never get done, and all I can do is choose my priorities. I hope to take small sustained steps towards the life I want while choosing not to chastise myself when I falter. I hope to stay committed.
With that in mind, perhaps you would like to hear what I have actually been up to, and why this month has felt so busy! This quarter, which ends in 3 weeks, I am taking 3 classes: syntax, semantics, and Bayesian modeling for language acquisition. I’m also getting started on a couple research projects—I’ve been getting trained on how to run an eye-tracking study with toddlers, I’m starting another acquisition project that is in its very early stages, and I’ve been slowly starting to teach myself a bit about transformers/LLMs. If you’re curious about any of that, feel free to ask me—but if some of these words mean absolutely nothing to you, don’t worry about it.
In terms of my progress towards a pull up, I’ve made almost none. After getting a cold at the start of February and then working around the clock to meet a deadline for a fellowship application, I managed to work out a grand total of 3 times in the entire month. Yeah, I know. It’s bad. But oh well. Onwards! Exercising consistently really is a priority, I want so much to be strong and to feel even a little bit physically capable. And I enjoy working out so much. I hope to be much more consistent in March.
As for reading, I didn’t read much short fiction this month, but I’m currently reading Off Keck Road by Mona Simpson. It’s a novella, and I am enjoying it. I’m also reading a romance novel written by a friend of a friend!
As for exploring my city, last Sunday, I went to a bookstore/coffee shop in Culver City called Village Well. It immediately became one of my new favorite spots, and I can’t wait to go back. I also spent a lovely afternoon with two of my friends from my cohort at the Century City mall. We watched A Complete Unknown and then we sat in the late afternoon sun, drinking coffee and talking about ambition and art. I haven’t made it to any museums yet, though, and I’m not sure I will until April, once the new quarter starts.
Okay, that was all a bit more stream of consciousness this month. But if any of you have discovered the secrets of life, please do tell! I could use any and all advice. How are your new years resolutions going 2 months into the year? Have you been demoralized, like me? Are you recommitting or giving up? What is something that has inspired you lately? These are real questions! I would love to know!
I’ll be in Spain in three weeks for Spring Break, so I’m sure I’ll find a little inspiration there that will be featured in my next edition. Until then, as always, thank you for reading.
Happy March!