First Days and First Steps
People of all ages like routines. Children like to know that they eat at a certain time and take a bath at a certain time. If something is different, they get thrown off. Adults are very similar.
For my entire life, I’ve never really had this consistency. I feel like there was some big change every year that I would never see coming and I couldn’t really make a decision. It just kind of happened and I had to jump into the cold water and learn how to swim.
I’ve never been able to have a stable relationship with anyone because of it. I’ve lost friendships over it. People don’t understand me because they haven’t really experienced it themselves (the closest they’ve gotten is going to college or getting a new job in a new city). This idea of being all over the place and trying to keep it all together when really you don’t know what the fuck is going on, nor do you have any idea of how you ended up where you are… and yet, in that moment, you still have no idea where you’re going next and have to keep going.
That feeling of anxiety that sneaks up on you right when things start to get comfortable. That puts you and everyone you’ve met in that short period in a tough place because you just started to make new friends and get to know one another.
That feeling like you thought you were starting to get good at something and then life had other plans for you. That forces you to change your life story and explain the randomness of it all when it seems like everyone else has had a simple trajectory.
That feeling of wondering when it will end. When all you could ever want is to live a normal life. Wake up and go to sleep at the same time. Go to work, come back from work, slowly get better at your job over time, eat somewhere in between, exercise somewhere in there, do some leisurely activity, spend time with a loved one, wonder why you still watch the Wizards play basketball even though they give you a heart attack every game, etc.
When you don’t have consistency, it generally leads you (or me, at least) to a place where you doubt first and then try to understand later. It’s like you’re a fly on the wall. You’re never fully in one place. People know you’re there but aren’t used to you being there. You question everything because you don’t completely understand the nuances and inside jokes. It may get annoying to the other people, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never learn, laugh and be happy.
When you have consistency, you get into a train of thought and it takes you down a path and you don’t look back. When people try to throw you off that path, you can easily get back on. Or you can bring someone along with you if you can tell they’re a little off the path.
Today is Monday, January 8th, 2018. This is my first day working as a full time employee since I was pretty much fired from my last job on November 18th, 2016. I’ve learned a lot since then.
The biggest thing I’ve learned, though: having a stable life is hard work.
I moved back to Birmingham on January 2nd, 2017. I started taking a master’s class about a week later. I didn’t officially start my master’s program until the summer semester, and I started working part-time at UAB in May. I was dating someone who I knew I wouldn’t ever see myself marrying. I was living at home. I was putting on weight because I got extremely lazy. I generally got into a lot of bad habits, but maintained a head-down optimistic approach that things would work out.
Sometime this year, once I started putting together what made sense to me out of all of my life experiences and putting that into some semblance of a life I’d like to live, things started to actually make sense and I started to work towards that life. I’m nowhere near perfect, and I don’t think there’s some special narrative to my life or anyone else’s, but I don’t think all of the things happening in my life right now occurred in a vacuum.
With regards to my job, there was a clear trajectory that led me to where I am right now. I remember all of my other first days on a job. It was like trying to anxiously collect as much information as you possibly could and becoming overwhelmed doing so. You were just trying not to embarrass yourself even though you were nervous and no matter how much you tried all you saw were new faces looking at you like sharks who got a whiff of blood. They almost felt really bad for you, but they also knew they had experienced a first day just like you. After all, everyone has to start somewhere.
This first day just feels like any other day. That’s a good thing. I’ve been doing this job since May. I know a lot of the people in my office. I know what’s expected of me in my role. I know the hierarchy. I still have some millennial excitement to change the old structure and update it to something more modern, but I understand the process with which I have to follow in order to get that done. I have a great understanding of the team I’m on and love the people I work with.
It all started because I applied to some part-time communications position at this office but the hiring manager thought I’d be a good fit for the project management office because of my master’s degree I’m working on right now. So she made a position for me.
Then she made a full-time position for me a few months later, but she quit before I was going to interview with her so that position closed. And also the fiscal year was ending soon thereafter, so they couldn’t entirely justify opening a new position yet. I waited just a few more months and a better position opened up for me after being in the office and doing more work over time.
I don’t feel as though I’ve really earned anything. I feel like I’ve made gradual progress and seen gradual results. And I’m completely content with that. Because that’s how it goes. You hit singles and doubles right now, and over time those turn into runs on the scoreboard. People only ever see the scoreboard, but everything that goes into those runs is what is most important.
As time goes on, I notice myself generally undermining myself (because I’m 27 and barely know anything) but knowing inside that I’m growing. Slowly but surely, I feel I have the tiniest bit of grasp on my life. When I want to say no to something, I can and I don’t feel bad about it. When I feel I have enough time again to add another skill to my arsenal, I do so and fully embrace it. My shortcomings are alright and really not that big of a deal, I don’t have to worry about things if I don’t want to.
It’s pretty amazing what having a consistent, stable life can do for your confidence. I can’t wait to see where I go from here.