(an attempt at) rethinking my learning
There are many different approaches to learning.
While family was in Birmingham, and then while we were in New Orleans for the weekend, I spent a lot of time thinking about how different people handle different situations which are new to them. I also thought about how to handle the people in those groups.
My big takeaway for me is to be more proactive about the way in which I learn.
My whole life, I never learned well from reading/textbooks. I read a lot of tweets and articles, but for the most part, I read books way less often than anyone I know. I’m not saying I want to read a ton of books to play catch up or anything, I just think that a lot of my learning has come from having many different personal experiences.
As I get older, I realize how fortunate I was to have parents who spoke many different languages and lived in an area full of diplomats. I was fortunate that my parents mingled with wealthy people who we bonded with over Indian classical music and movies, even if we were bad at playing our instruments and singing (we were trying, that’s all that matters). I was fortunate that my mom was open-minded about moving to Alabama when I was 15 because after about a year of living here, my views of the world and people changed even more.
I can go on and on. I just know so much of my learning has just been from talking to people I don’t know at all and going to places I’ve never gone to before. Being a fan of sports and going to bars helps.
The other thing I noticed about how I learn is that I make a lot of mistakes or speak in ways that are extremely ignorant. Making mistakes is fine. I can accept being dumb initially and having a cringe-worthy moment. That happens to anyone starting off who wants to excel. The key is to keep pushing through, obviously. However, I’m not at all fine anymore with saying things that are borderline, low-key really offensive and I only get away with it because I was smiling/laughing when I said it so as to come off as a joke. That’s not ok.
There’s one example that immediately comes to mind. I worked with a transgender guy a few years ago. We were at lunch and I was recounting a story from being in San Francisco and retold exactly what a security guard said about a transgender club (“We have trannies in here if you’re into that sort of thing!”) and our reaction to that. I mentioned this in a negative laughing way, and the guy took massive offense (this was the exact moment I found out he was a transgender). By doing this, I embarrassed myself horribly, learned that I need to watch my mouth, and be more perceptive (however, the question then becomes: how do you prepare to talk about something you don’t know anything about/haven’t ever thought about?). I think that person eventually forgave me to tolerate me at work but then was happy to not see me around anymore after we left the company months later.
As I get older, I want to change these things. I still enjoy meeting people at a bar and talking sports, but I actually have to monitor my bank account and I also don’t want to become an alcoholic. I also still enjoy sarcasm because dry humor is fun, but being a dry person isn’t.
There are more positive, healthy ways to expand my community/”network” (I hate that word when used outside of an IT context). I got back into playing ultimate frisbee. I remember being a brat when I was 22-23, and saying things that were stupid and mean to people and make me feel bad. I want to make a point to be a good teammate who tries hard and motivates people, but is also generally caring of someone’s wellbeing without being too intrusive. Basically, if I do something from now on, I want to be fully immersive and non-judgmental, but enthusiastic and supportive.
There are also more positive ways to be inquisitive. In short, it comes back to being more perceptive and a better listener.
In terms of traveling in a large group, everyone has to understand that you don’t have to do everything together. Plan 1-2 things together like a meal or a tour, and then let everyone do whatever they feel like doing. If you try to put your heads together and be together the whole time, a lot of people will end up being upset.