#78: holiday fun pak
Welcome to issue #78 of THIS NEWSLETTER CANNOT SAVE YOU, and our fifth annual fun pak of zany holiday-themed treasures, carefully curated with a jolly eye. Nothing quite says “tradition” like busting these beauties out every year and giving yourself such a hearty laugh that you rupture your colon. But be wary, these gems are not guaranteed to be family friendly. In other words, guard these treats the way you’d guard the goodies in your stocking on Christmas morning: with as much violence as necessary. I think you know what I’m getting at.
Okay, let’s merriment!
Holidayvision
"Happy Holidays" (2010) - This will likely lead off my holiday recos from now until the merciful collapse of society. From the directing duo DANIELS, here’s a seasonally appropriate, action-packed, maniacally chaotic short film from their back catalogue.
"A Holiday News Report from the Horrifying Future" (2012) - A video from Cracked exploring what will become of Christmas when the bees mutate and take over.
“Santa Doesn’t Leave Loose Ends” (2020) - Probably the best entry I’ve seen in the category of “Santa Claus is a dangerous man” videos, Rob Tanchum pulls together dozens of stock video clips to illustrate his hip-hop track about the lengths Santa will go to in order to protect his anonymity. Chilling stuff, really. Runner up in this category: “Santa, The Fascist Years” by Bill Plympton.
"Liberace's Musical Tribute to the Holidays" (1981) - Liberace welcomes guests Orson Welles, Ethel Merman, and Elton John to his heartwarming Christmas special - uncannily good impressions by Dave Thomas, John Candy, Andrea Martin, and Rick Moranis in this short clip from the Canadian sketch comedy show SCTV.
"Think Better This Christmas" (2021) - In this animated short from Adult Swim, a group of cynical friends tries to cheer up their lonely chum. They fail.
"Silver Bells" (1980) - The story goes that Steve Martin and Paul Simon bumped into Billy Joel at a restaurant in NYC one night. "We had a little bit of wine, and then we had a little more wine," Joel said in an interview in 2001. "Nobody was feeling any pain." They retreated to the studio where Joel was recording, and produced this heavily bootlegged but never officially released Christmas single. If I had a heart, this is the sort of thing that would warm it.
"O Holy Night" (2008) - You'll probably never hear a weirder version of this carol than this recording by Steve W. Mauldin, but the additional layer of wtf here is the devastating lip sync interpretation by Martin Landry. Genius performances on both fronts, and you can, of course, buy the track.
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS" (2017) - One of my favorite animators, Hideki Inaba, produced this one-minute psychedelic holiday film, an abstract visual feast culminating in an appearance by some kind of dark matter Santa. Put it on repeat instead of watching a fireplace on TV or whatever.
"Snowmen" (2017) - In 2007, David Lynch released an art book containing photographs of snowmen he'd taken in the early 1990s in Idaho. This film is a one minute tribute to that book, slightly animated by Rino Stefano Tagliafierro.
"TV Funhouse, Ep. 3 - Christmas Day" (2000) - TV Funhouse began as a series of filmed sketches that ran on Saturday Night Live for several years, before it got picked up for a short-lived series on Comedy Central. In this 20-minute episode, the "Anipals" - the weird group of animal puppets that star in the show - get high by snorting powdered "Christmas cheer" that they've refined from the spinal fluid of an elf, and then charge into the streets of New York City to aggressively Christmas carol at real New Yorkers. This will not be everyone's cup of tea.
Exit Music
Sending you out this issue with the dulcet tones of Reggie Watts and his new EP on the Brainfeeder label, Reggie Sings: Your Favorite Christmas Classics, Volume 2. You’ll be delighted and disturbed as he delivers his absurdist reworkings of such classics as the expletive-laden “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,” the appropriately menacing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,” and the strangely confusing “Twelve Days of Christmas” (I lost track around day 15). [Extra credit: 8 hours of vintage department store Christmas music. You know you want it. Via Jer]
Here's the YouTube playlist with this issue's recos. For even more seasonally relevant videos, check out my YouTube playlist The True Meaning of Christmas. Please enjoy responsibly.
Until next time, I remain your friendly correspondent, thinking of you,
Scotto
Scotto Moore is the author of WILD MASSIVE, BATTLE OF THE LINGUIST MAGES, and YOUR FAVORITE BAND CANNOT SAVE YOU.
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