#63: "seasonally appropriate, action-packed, maniacally chaotic"
Welcome to issue #63 of THIS NEWSLETTER CANNOT SAVE YOU. Issue #7, December 24, 2021, was our first Christmas issue, and now here we are, arriving at our fourth. It’s time once again to gather ‘round the Yuletide Elvis tree and enjoy a few holiday videos.
This issue’s a mix of greatest hits from past Christmas issues and new entries to my weird little collection of holiday bric-a-brac. Each of these items brought me a little joy to revisit or discover. I mean, not significant joy. Like don’t get your hopes up in any way shape or form about the joy quotient here. I’m not suggesting you’ll find actual true joy anywhere near the conceptual vicinity of the raw fact of this newsletter.
But I do think these videos are pretty entertaining.
Holidayvision
“XMAS MEGAMIX!” (2023) - Kicking things off, the VHS connosieurs at Everything Is Terrible! curated this short block of madness, a highlight reel of absurd clips from holiday TV of the 80s and 90s. If you don’t have time for their full Holiday Special!, this is the quick hit version, with enough sweatshop Santas and demented elves to get you into the spirit of the season.
"HAPPY HOLIDAYS" (2017) - One of my favorite animators, Hideki Inaba, produced this one-minute psychedelic holiday film, an abstract visual feast culminating in an appearance by some kind of dark matter Santa. Put it on repeat instead of watching a fireplace on TV.
“The Reinfall” (2024) - Pitched as “a short mockumentary about the rise and fall of Rudolph,” this sharp slice of celebrity parody is secretly an advertisement for the Norwegian Postal Service. Directed by Kasper Häggström, who’s also directed great music videos for the likes of Radiohead and Kelly Lee Owens. For another take on Rudolph’s bad behavior, see “Fear of the Deer” by Steve Cutts.
"Think Better This Christmas" (2021) - In this animated short from Adult Swim, a group of cynical friends tries to cheer up their lonely chum. They fail.
“Christmas Knight” (2012) - A trailer for a nonexistent film with the tagline: “On the eve of certain world destruction, one man delivers the ultimate gift!!” That’s right, the premise requires two exclamation marks.
"O Holy Night" (2008) - You'll probably never hear a weirder version of this carol than this recording by Steve W. Mauldin, but the additional layer of wtf here is the devastating lip sync interpretation by Martin Landry. Genius performances on both fronts, and you can, of course, buy the track.
“HAPPY HOLIDAZE: Get Baked” (2020) - The underappreciated comedy channel BASTARDIZED created this Xmas-themed rework of the Afroman song “Because I Got High,” offering up a crazed accompanying video starring an array of drug-addled gingerbread people. I don’t know if they generated the video footage themselves or took it from some unlikely source, but it’s weird slapstick fun regardless.
"Happy Holidays" (2010) - From the directing duo DANIELS, here’s a seasonally appropriate, action-packed, maniacally chaotic short film from their back catalogue.
“Twin Peaks 12 Days of Christmas” (1990/2014) - In December 1990, LA radio station KROQ apparently aired this Twin Peaks-themed rewrite of the classic Xmas carol. Cast members were recruited to lend their vocal talents; I recognized Kyle MacLachlan, Jack Nance, Kimmy Robertson, and Dana Ashbrook among them. The video appeared in 2014, using clips from the show and the movie to match the flow of the track.
"A Holiday News Report from the Horrifying Future" (2012) - A video from Cracked exploring what will become of Christmas when the bees mutate and take over.
“Santa Doesn’t Leave Loose Ends” (2020) - Probably the best entry I’ve seen in the category of “Santa Claus is a dangerous man” videos, Rob Tanchum pulls together dozens of stock video clips to illustrate his hip-hop track about the lengths Santa will go to in order to protect his anonymity. Chilling stuff, really. Runner up in this category: “Santa, The Fascist Years” by Bill Plympton.
"TV Funhouse, Ep. 3 - Christmas Day" (2000) - TV Funhouse began as a series of filmed sketches that ran on Saturday Night Live for several years, before it got picked up for a short-lived series on Comedy Central. In this 20-minute episode, the "Anipals" - the weird group of animal puppets that star in the show - get high by snorting powdered "Christmas cheer" that they've refined from the spinal fluid of an elf, and then charge into the streets of New York City to aggressively Christmas carol at real New Yorkers. This will not be everyone's cup of tea.
Exit Music
Sending you out this issue with Coldcut’s Christmas Break (12” Version) from 1989, in which the Coldcut DJs mash together a host of Christmas tunes and other songs into a dance-friendly instrumental hip-hop track. Bust this out at your holiday party and gain retro style points galore.
Here's the YouTube playlist with this issue's recos. I shall endeavor to rejoin you in the new year for more shenanigans.
Until next time, I remain your friendly correspondent, thinking of you,
Scotto
Scotto Moore is the author of WILD MASSIVE, BATTLE OF THE LINGUIST MAGES, and YOUR FAVORITE BAND CANNOT SAVE YOU.
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