#55: "no returns are accepted"
Welcome to issue #55 of THIS NEWSLETTER CANNOT SAVE YOU. I’m back with another fleeting set of recommendations, gathered from the esoteric regions of the internet that I pay attention to. “I expect no trouble from this batch,” I say with a casual wink to the excited crowd, who catch the hint that there just might be trouble if they’re lucky. I reach into my knapsack, grab a handful of tiny nebulizers, and toss them to the eager crowd. “In case of emergency,” I warn, “be sure to inhale your narcotizing mesmer gas before tending to the existential crisis of others!” In the frenzy that follows, I slip into the control booth, quickly locking and barring the door behind me. Once we fire up the projector, once these images begin to bombard their retinas, there’s no telling how quickly they might become a mob instead of an audience. Or they might just lie down in the grass and be cool. It’s hard to predict.
Scottovision
These selections are presented “as is” to provide an authentic media consumption experience. No returns are accepted.
“Waffle” (2020) - In this comedy/horror short film, a slumber party tests the boundaries of authentic friendship between two BFFs. Can they reconcile over a delicious plate of waffles, or is the antique heirloom waffle iron kept on a pedastal for nefarious reasons? A couple good twists unfold in the midst of some dangerous breakfasting. Directed by Carlyn Hudson, and written by Katie Marovitch and Kerry Barker (who also play the two BFFs).
“Steakhouse” (2024) - A conspiracy theorist is forced to allow a “technician” from the “cable company” to enter his home to fix the internet. This does not bode well for either of them. Pleasingly weird sci-fi/horror from directing duo Ft. Langley and writer Oliver Brooks.
“Government Applications” (2024) - In Conner O’Malley’s comedy special Stand Up Solutions, he plays Richard Eagleton, a start-up CEO pitching to drum up funding for his invention: a stand-up comedian powered entirely by AI. As part of his pitch, this excerpt demonstrates how Eagleton’s solution can also be used to create political candidates. O’Malley’s routine is part absurdist stand-up comedy and part scathing performance art, skewering the technocracy’s dark urge to embed AI into literally everything.
“Call Me Mommy” (2023) - A tightly wound mother-to-be hires a young improv artist to roleplay as her future child, to help her train for the various stages of motherhood. Of course the improv artist knows just how to commit to an unexpected premise. Written by Haley Alea Erickson, directed by Erickson and Taylor Washington.
“Houdini The Pig” (1985) - From Michael Nesmith’s short-lived comedy/variety series Television Parts comes this sketch in which comedian Bobcat Goldthwait introduces us to a pig that can escape from a straitjacket and chains while suspended in a water tank. Just think, only a few moments ago the concept “escape artist pig” had never crossed your mind.
“Kodar: The Primordial God of Light and Ether” (2024) - A doctor is forced to deliver unfortunate news to his young patient (played by Maddie Ziegler) while wearing a full-blown fantasy costume (it’s Halloween at the hospital). This is a slightly corny but heartfelt depiction of two disparate individuals bonding over a shared fandom, and it connects. Directed by Will Ropp, written by Ropp and Nick Skardarasy (who plays the doctor).
“I Love You Gulliver - game walkthrough” (2017) - You see, kids, in olden days, you didn’t need an internet connection to have a meaningful and entertaining video game experience.
“Palestrina Sicut” (2024) - The new music video by electronic musician Max Cooper is actually a new film by artist Quayola called “Fighters” that’s actually a documentary component of a robotic sculpture project, which together is actually the final piece of an audio-visual project called Seme commissioned by a classical music festival in Italy. Oh, what’s it about? “The short film impressively captures the fusion of computer programming and classical Italian art, discovering historical aesthetics through a complex lens.” Obviously! Learn (a lot) more here.
“Thrown Around” (2024) - In his new music video, electronic soul singer James Blake is encouraged by his new PR reps (self-described experts in “shagging the algorithm”) to take drastic steps with his image, or risk being left behind by the algorithm entirely. Blake takes to the streets to generate social media content in a dizzying adventure that apparently required custom camera rigging to capture the video’s innovative POV.
“But We Had Music” (2024) - For the 7th annual Universe In Verse, "an annual charitable celebration of the wonder of reality through stories of science winged with poetry," Nick Cave recites and scores a poem by Maria Popova on how we can possibly endure the vast emptiness all around us. Filmmaker Daniel Bruson animates the visuals with a mesmerizing touch. It’s one and a half irrevocable minutes “agape with wonder.” Extra credit: “My God, It’s Full Of Stars” also features Bruson’s animation, this time for a poem about an engineer who helped launch the Hubble Space Telescope.
Exit Music
Sending you out this issue with a recent discovery, from a 2CD & 1LP collection released by the Trattoria label in 1996 called A Musical Souvenir of Trattoria Menu.100’s Magic Kingdom. The track is a cover of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” performed by J-rock group Seagull Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her. It’s the most delightful likely-phonetic rendition of these lyrics you’ll probably hear, and the jagged experimental beats are just plain “catchy.” Extra credit: Here’s BOaT performing a similarly experimental J-rock cover of “We Are The World.”
Here's the YouTube playlist with this issue's recos. Please enjoy responsibly.
Until next time, I remain your friendly correspondent, thinking of you,
Scotto
Scotto Moore is the author of WILD MASSIVE, BATTLE OF THE LINGUIST MAGES, and YOUR FAVORITE BAND CANNOT SAVE YOU.
Björk on the perils of air travel
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