There isn’t one objective, universal experience of autism, but the stereotype that’s been most often held up as the One True Autism - quiet, avoidant introversion - is the furthest from my own experience. When I was growing up, I assumed I’d been misdiagnosed because I really wanted to be around people and I loved all the things autistic people were supposed to hate: crowded spaces, loud music, flashing lights.

It’s not completely better now, but with the increase in autism diagnosis, the perception of autism - and who autistic people can be - is changing. The biggest turning point for me, though, was when I found out David Byrne is autistic. At that point, I hadn’t got into Talking Heads, but it was a big deal to me - I’d abandoned pursuing creative writing when I was in secondary school because I’d seen someone say autistic people couldn’t write fiction, and while Byrne isn’t an author, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eauZzwt8Ci8”> he isn’t a serial killer either.

A few months ago, I started deliberately digging through the Talking Heads back catalogue; I was in a mental rut and I wanted to try and reassure myself that I didn’t have to feel creatively constrained by being autistic. The first song I hadn’t heard before that really struck me was Heaven. It’s an island of relative peace amongst the drama and unease permeating the rest of Fear of Music. Relatively conventional musically, it becomes stranger when the vocals come in - but what’s off-kilter about it is the way that Byrne seemingly praises the virtues that the same thing happening again and again could hold. It’s a strange sentiment to hear in a rock song.

When I first heard it, I was shattered from working and trying to maintain a life outside of work, like everyone else seemed to be able to do. It felt like I was managing even less than other people because I work part-time. Due to not being able to accept that I was autistic for so long as a result of not fitting in with the usual stereotypes, I’ve never managed to accept that I have limitations other people don’t. I’ve been pushing myself for so long because I want so much more for myself, all of the other things people seem to have, and it never really works out very well for me.

I loved hearing Heaven because it sounded like it was glamourising a way of living which sits uncomfortably with me, but that I know would be healthier for me on some level. Being able to take good enough care of myself shouldn’t be more aspirational than all the other desires I have, but somehow it’s even less realistic than any other aspiration I have. Also, in a very literal sense, listening to the same song repeatedly is one of the only reliable self-soothing mechanisms I have - hearing that repeated back to me in a song by one of the most revered bands of the last fifty years felt reassuring to me.

Unfortunately, I then made the mistake of checking the entry on Genius, and every single comment says something along the lines of ‘this is a sarcastic song about how doing the same thing repeatedly is boring’. I still can’t hear it, but I can’t tell if that’s because I just don’t want to hear it. It’s ruined it a bit for me because I hate feeling like I might be wrong as it is, but I was so comforted by the possibility it could be earnest. Even though I know there’s room for multiple interpretations, it didn’t occur to me that it could be anything other than a sincere song about being autistic.

Interpreting Heaven along more sincere lines doesn’t mean being as literal as thinking that it’s about wanting the same thing over and over again. Instead I see it as being about the potential for repetitive experiences to have meaning and value. That reading is important to me because I’ve always got the sense that whenever I listen to the same music again and again, I’m not doing it right, even if sometimes that’s a need I have. It goes further than just music: Heaven is one of the few songs I can listen to where I don’t feel like I’m being sold an ideal of a life that is risky or maybe even impossible for me, that maybe it would be possible to get more from doing less.

Thanks for reading! Here's a song by a band with a terrible name which has adjacent vibes.

Until last week, I hadn't posted anything on here in months and you might have forgotten signing up to this - I should have said this at the end of the last newsletter, but I am by no means sensibly minded around self-promotion. Anyway, hi, it's your pal Charlie / scarierhandles wherever I can be found online. From this point this newsletter will be fortnightly on a Monday. I'm committing to something! I'm making it happen!! See you in two weeks.

P.S. Because this has reminded me I actually have to promote my own work sometimes, I wrote about b-sides for a zine a few months ago!