February 19, 2023

Miley, Taylor, Madonna

a second line

I bought myself flowers. Telling another that I’ve never received flowers from another. Ever. No “just because” flowers. No “happy birthday/valentine day” flowers. None, at least none as a surprise. I’ve prompted some to buy me flowers. And then I picked them out and they paid for them.

It’s the same with having children; I’ve said my whole life that I didn’t want any. That there were thousands of kids who need parents out there already. I didn’t want to give up my life, there’s too much I want to do. My medication prevents me from having kids. I don’t want to pass on my bipolar disorder.

But, deep down? I want them. Never found anyone who I really would want to share that with.

I *want* someone to buy me flowers. I want that lovey-dovey write our names in the sand type love. That rom-com movie type of love. But I won’t really admit it, because I’ve always been disappointed that I haven’t found it.

Never thought i was worthy of it. Too broken, etc etc etc.

Another said that I was cool. I laughed. I don’t *feel* cool. I feel like I pretend. My self-confidence? all fake. Faking it till you make it, but I don’t ever feel like I’ve made it.

I’m a wild card, but I feel predictable.

Is my perception of self really that skewed?

Are the benchmarks I judge myself that improbable? That unattainable? That unrealistic? Am I judging myself against standards that I could never attain because they aren’t on my wavelength? The box I’m trying to fit in the wrong size because I’m so much bigger?1

The Archetype card for February is/was “The Judge.” The one who passes the judgement. The one who discerns the truth.

The guide goes on about advocating for others, civil rights, etc. Mentions Gandhi.

But I’m drawn to the inner critic instead. Who is the Judge for me? Of me? My whole life I’ve believed that it was always someone else. Or everybody else.

But in order to heal, I need to come to terms that that Judge is me. and only me. And since the Judge creates the sentence, I should create my own. I guess that’s what a mantra is, isn’t it?

heart,

kelly