Even though I’m on medication for my bipolar/anxiety/adhd, doesn’t mean I don’t have depressive episodes when life gets overwhelming. I know that I’ll get through them, that this too shall pass.

But that doesn’t make being in the middle of an episode any easier.

Currently Reading: The MANIAC by Benjamín Labatut.

A novel about John von Neumann. Math and AI and physics. I’m going through this rabbit hole again. In another life, I would have been an astrophysicist. After I found out I couldn’t be an astronaut, I wanted to be the first English teacher on the moon. More recently, I’d want to be the first librarian on Mars. Instead, I applied for a librarian position at the Space Telescope Science Institute. I did not get the job, or an interview for that matter. I’m still hoping that there’s another position there. I’d be a space librarian.

So yes, going through my math/logic/quantum physics kick that I get every so often. I’m honestly tired of reading scifi/fantasy. Not that I’m not enjoying what I read, it’s more like I’d enjoy it more if I didn’t read it as much. I need to (re)read The Wizard of Earthsea for November’s meeting in a couple of weeks. But instead, I have von Neumann.

I’ve come to realize that distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. It makes me sad and unable to function. If I just continue on, I feel like I’m leaving the other person behind, if I don’t, I’m holding myself back.

Obviously, this is another reason my anxiety/depression is at high.

I also have a patron who is a Palestinian poet.

He came in the other day, a mess, saying how he hasn’t heard from his sister in over a week. that his cousins and friends are dead. that he was called an anti-semite because he’s Palestinian and writes about the occupation.

I wasn’t alone at the desk, thankfully. I didn’t need to turn away from him to help another. I was able to listen to him and take a little weight off his chest. Knowing that I stand with him.

Later the same day, another patron of mine came in with a “I stand with Israel” shirt. I’m curious as to how that interaction would have gone. How I know how he would have reacted if he had seen that shirt. And how I know that I would have to be the one to calm him down.

I was not okay that day. I still haven’t fully processed the interaction with him. That the best thing I could say was “never be quiet. never shut up. don’t let anyone shut you up and stop speaking.” He had tears in his eyes when he left. So did I.