Love, Loss, and Literature
always the oxford comma
Even though I’m on medication for my bipolar/anxiety/adhd, doesn’t mean I don’t have depressive episodes when life gets overwhelming. I know that I’ll get through them, that this too shall pass.
But that doesn’t make being in the middle of an episode any easier.
Currently Reading: The MANIAC by Benjamín Labatut.
A novel about John von Neumann. Math and AI and physics. I’m going through this rabbit hole again. In another life, I would have been an astrophysicist. After I found out I couldn’t be an astronaut, I wanted to be the first English teacher on the moon. More recently, I’d want to be the first librarian on Mars. Instead, I applied for a librarian position at the Space Telescope Science Institute. I did not get the job, or an interview for that matter. I’m still hoping that there’s another position there. I’d be a space librarian.
So yes, going through my math/logic/quantum physics kick that I get every so often. I’m honestly tired of reading scifi/fantasy. Not that I’m not enjoying what I read, it’s more like I’d enjoy it more if I didn’t read it as much. I need to (re)read The Wizard of Earthsea for November’s meeting in a couple of weeks. But instead, I have von Neumann.
I’ve come to realize that distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. It makes me sad and unable to function. If I just continue on, I feel like I’m leaving the other person behind, if I don’t, I’m holding myself back.
Obviously, this is another reason my anxiety/depression is at high.
I also have a patron who is a Palestinian poet.
He came in the other day, a mess, saying how he hasn’t heard from his sister in over a week. that his cousins and friends are dead. that he was called an anti-semite because he’s Palestinian and writes about the occupation.
I wasn’t alone at the desk, thankfully. I didn’t need to turn away from him to help another. I was able to listen to him and take a little weight off his chest. Knowing that I stand with him.
Later the same day, another patron of mine came in with a “I stand with Israel” shirt. I’m curious as to how that interaction would have gone. How I know how he would have reacted if he had seen that shirt. And how I know that I would have to be the one to calm him down.
I was not okay that day. I still haven’t fully processed the interaction with him. That the best thing I could say was “never be quiet. never shut up. don’t let anyone shut you up and stop speaking.” He had tears in his eyes when he left. So did I.
heart,
kelly