It all returns to nothing
Welcome back to another edition of Salt Pepper Kelly, with your host, ME. Kelly. Not salt nor pepper.
Death/Rebirth
Graveyards or Beaches.
I started writing this before midsummer. Was a happier time, this time last week. Was going to write about rebirth, re-finding oneself, shedding skin, etc. My midlife rebirth. The words I found to describe feelings that I’ve always had. My inner truth shining through and is now my outer truth as well.
And then my choice was taken away. And a part of me died.
I feel it’s important to share my story about abortion. It’s not a very long one, but it’s important. In fact, I posted it publicly on facebook. It is that important.
If I got pregnant, either the fetus/baby would die, or i would (and thus also killing said fetus/baby)
Why? Because the meds that keep me alive are quite harmful to a fetus. And if I stop taking the meds that keep me alive? Well, i'd commit suicide. Plain and simple. My psych meds keep me alive.
So if I were to accidentally get pregnant, what, pray tell, are my options if I cannot have an abortion?
I am lucky. I live in New Jersey where I'm protected, like half the country. But if I lived anywhere else? Tell me, who deserves to die?
But fuck it. I’m forty. I will not be silent anymore.
So I learn to find the words for feelings: non-binary. She/they. Being out and open: queer. And I don’t care who knows. I feel freer. Like when I first took my ADHD meds and understood what it was to focus. Or when I was diagnosed with being bipolar and all the cogs and gears clicked.
”Someone nodded hello to me on the street yesterday.”
Fun fact: the 2nd printing of Reader’s Block does not include Markson’s dedication. The 1st edition does.
I wrote a story once, now long gone, for NaNoWriMo. In the style of Markson’s later novels. Snippets. Vignettes. Fragments. I created this story for my dear friend Michelle. My Michee. She died years ago. But at least she didn’t have to live to see this past week. But she would have burned it all down. And it would have been beautiful.
So the theme of my 40th year is death/rebirth.
Not too bad actually. Gotta shed this gross skin that I grew to fit in somehow.
heart,
kelly