January 15, 2023

But Not a Real Green Dress;

That's Cruel

Conversations about movies.

I used to watch them, you know.

There was an indie/art-house video rental/art space place downtown when I was in college. We’d walk and grab a few movies. Well, spend an hour trying to decide which one to get. Me mentally adding to my to-watch list; they wrote theirs down. Both learning the language of film. Following an avid reviewer and then writing our own with convoluted metaphors and in-jokes turned inside out and upside down.

I had almost forgotten I used to watch films.

Because when I moved back to Jersey, I stopped. I don’t know when, but I did. Slowly over time, I stopped.

Now you must sit me down purposefully and make me watch something. (Subtitles on, please) So I can focus. But be aware, I’ll still disassociate, and it will take me an hour or more to return to the world.

At some point, I gave up my freedom. I had failed at living alone and had to be “rescued” by my family. Then I ran away from my family into the arms of another, and when that ended, another. I tried again to live alone and fell; surgery and lawsuit. Family to the rescue again, then to another, then again, on my own. But this time, accidental pandemic roommate.

And yet, still, my ticket out was tied to another.

So hope/feathers/flying.

The whole leap of faith/the only thing to do is jump over the moon.1

Add your favorite empowerment song here.

Etc.

My January card is The 4 of Cups. Discontentment. The question it asks is, what exactly do you want? What am I longing for? Do I already have it but don’t recognize it because I think I want/need something else? A warning to not take things (or people) for granted.

Other decks use hearts. And they mention apathy toward love. Or travel. Movin’ right along. I guess.

I didn’t get a job, which is fine. But I am stuck in a loop; who did I apply for? Myself, or to give them a reason to move in with me?

Does it even matter?
The only way out is up.

heart,

kelly