Volume 24 - Cowin, animated movies, being a cheugy, and squirrel watching 🐿
This newsletter started as a way to share recommendations for interesting books, podcasts, articles and cool things floating on the internet with a small essay. Around last month the effect of being locked up at home finally caught up to me. (If you haven’t read my earlier newsletter how I get EVERYTHING late, this is probably the best example. My mental health was peachy until April 2021. Now, I am afraid, I am entirely cuckoo) I now write endless essays. (I write about my generally declined mental health in the past few weeks and it may be triggering to some of you so feel free to skip it) I have written a lot of other random things that have helped me cope too - eating an inordinate amount of banana chips, watching animals, learning Japanese and moping a lot.
I wrote, erased and re-wrote this newsletter ever so many times. This heart is insatiable but I hope you enjoy it. 🌻
📝 Creatures outside my window
This lockdown is crap. I loathe it like I loathe new Gen Z words. (WTF is cheugy and how dare you call me one?)
I have taken to staring out of the window very intensely when I'm taking a break from work or simply refuse to work. The filling in the urban sandwich of my building and the one next to me is a row of trees. (I love trees, I want to become a tree. I pat some of them every time I pass by and make peace with my very obvious lack of chlorophyll)
The other day, I looked at a squirrel outside my window in the eye with my Steve-Jobs-esque laser glare. What is your purpose, o furry little rodent? (For the purpose of this essay I am assuming this critter is male. I haven't yet learned to discern whether a squirrel is male or female from afar) He chirped back at me and fled. I can hear him several times through the day. 'Look at me, I don't have to work for a living but I won't hesitate before I chew your curtains and air conditioner's tubes!', he chirruped as he hopped from one branch to another. I wonder what his nefarious plans are. He has nary a care in the world. I have been watching this squirrel, his parents and grandparents for a while now. They chase each other and hop from branch to branch......every single day. I wonder if they try different ways to somersault mid-air to keep themselves entertained. Is entertainment a concept for creatures that frolic for a living?
The aforementioned squirrel is particularly cheeky. I don't trust him no matter how entertaining he is. He takes particular joy in brazenly hanging upside down on the bird-proofing net outside my window and peering inside. He bolts when I catch him looking at my room. He may actually be cute if I didn't suspect he wants to chew my curtains or my nose off. Sometimes, he creeps quietly on his tiny furry feet and leaps from behind on small unsuspecting birds. I have seen it do this twice! Once to a coppersmith and once to a common tailorbird. (Yes, I looked up birds commonly found in Mumbai here so I wouldn't describe them as green ball of fluff or walnut sized chirpy)
I have to talk about the white-spotted fantails while we're on the subject of birds. They're mostly harmless, cute and tiny. A fantail once decided repeatedly colliding against my tinted window was a good idea. Not the smartest bunch. The two fantails in question are on whole new level of evil. Two of them combine forces to peck ravens. Yes. I would think twice before I pecked someone 5 times my size. I take the most pleasure in watching them follow a raven at a time and peck it. Am I any better than the birds for being a passive bystander? Maybe. I'll never know why the raven indulges them. It can easily peck them or drive them away. The raven has an almost parental patience with these critters. They fly in circles and launch attacks at the same time with incredible precision. Other ravens gather around to watch this scene. It sounds like they cheer the fantails on, judging by the cacophony. A few days later I saw one bird attack two ravens in the matter of seconds and fly away as quickly as it came. This bird is a fighter plane with big brown eyes.
The pecked raven in question is the biggest one in the lot. Its beak is perpetually open. Is it in awe of the world and the sudden lack of noisy humans outside or does it have a beak deformity? We will never know. This raven has two small henchmen. I've seen them together. One afternoon, the big raven was perched on a branch right in front of my window, the smaller ravens were on branches below on adjacent trees forming a triangle. The smaller ones looked around to make sure the coast was clear and when the big raven cawed at them they looked away while it pecked at....leaves. I'm sure he was simply eating bugs. If only I could talk to them and find out what they are up to. I found this scene rather comical. I have tried intense eye contact with the raven but it doesn't seem to care as much as the squirrel does.
A few hours later, on the very same day, the cheeky squirrel got whacked in the face by a smaller lithe squirrel's tail. This happened so quickly that our cheeky friend didn't get to respond. Squirrel 2 hopped from the drumstick tree to the mango tree before the whacked squirrel could turn.
I later discovered that there are two squirrels and a wee little squirrel baby. They are a squirrel family. Suddenly I don't know know if the mother or the father is the cheeky one.
The squirrels have taken to running along the ledge of my neighbouring building's terrace. They live life dangerously.
There is a big grey cat that strolls ever so slowly on the boundary wall between these two buildings. It wags its tail in almost dog-like way but a hundred times more gracefully. No bird dares to come near this cat. Even my temptation to pet it met resistance when I realised that it looked like it just wanted to be left alone. It rolls slowly on a warm spot below a tree with moving patterns formed by the sun on its belly. This is what Sunday relaxation should look like. There are gigantic rats that have built a home near the base of the mango tree. They have an unsaid agreement with the cat, they leave each other alone. Dogs can be seen balancing their way on the boundary wall too. Butterflies, kingfishers and orioles can be spotted if I am lucky.
Countless things happen around this tree like a movie that never stops. I am a mere spectator that tunes in from time to time. The tree is currently bathed in afternoon sunlight. It is swaying gently. It doesn't care that I am staring at it and writing about it. It doesn't even know how much comfort it gives me and these creatures.
(Numerous tree staring breaks were taken while this was written. Do try this at home)
🚫🚫📝 My mental health skipped town
Everything outside is a fucking shitfest. You all know that. You know you don't have to be Indian to know how bad things are in India when white American graphic designers and illustrators share posts encouraging people to donate to India in some form. I have nothing against them and this may be mean so I partly rescind this. I just find white social media wokedom amusing. (What is the noun for woke again?) Ignore me, please continue donating.
Like a lot of other Indians, I was slapped in the face by this second wave induced lockdown. Thrice, like in a dramatic Hindi serial. This Baa of a pandemic did the whacking.
I'm not down in the doldrums all day everyday but when I am I really commit to it. While I don't have a history of depression or anxiety I have had circumstantial cases of both.They resolved themselves when I moved myself into a different environment. That's the fun part. Not only can I NOT change where I am or what I do, I now find myself unable to leave the house for life saving walks to stare at trees. I feel like a dog deprived of walks. I scratch my door every evening till someone throws a chew toy or a snack at me. (Tip - banana chips usually do the trick) I was always fairly confident in my ability to bounce back from difficult issues. I have been meditating for 20 years and journaling (the self investigative kind) for over 5 years now. Did that shit help? NO. Suck it, self help authors. Covid can bring down the strongest efforts of mental resilience.
I watched as the foundation of self-soothing and emotional regulation that took me years to build slipped away. There was nothing I could do. Last year's coping mechanisms weren't helping. I can't get myself to read without wanting to toss the book across the room. Working out no longer gave me extra endorphins. It has become a predictable habit. I am now deeply accustomed to my happy-drug dealer. The absolute horror of it all. I don't feel like baking every week either. I think I ate enough cake to last for a decade. What is a girl to do? I took up a colouring book for adults hoping that filling tiny petals with colour will help me feel better. It did, for 5 minutes. And then there were the influencers and content making hooligans who said I should 'suck it up and be positive because negativity reduces your immunity.' Did I mentally peck their heads off like a deranged crow? Yes.
Work was especially difficult. What I would do to not think for a living. Let me hammer away at something, chip something away, stack things, move things, anything but thinking. Thinking is painful. Making a brand seem more appealing while people died in the thousands felt wrong on so many levels. I took up lesser work than usual. I tried my best to make it through the day. I didn't know how to get out of it. Everyone I talked to was drowning in their own pits of grief and despair. How could we soothe each other when we were all overwhelmed by our own emotions?
How can I not give a shout out to our friendly neighbourhood villain, CoWin? I wonder if the government sits up at night wondering how it can torture its citizens more effectively. Scrambling to keep track of CoWin and BMC's official page and clicking your fingers away to get a slot may be the cruelest thing they made us do.
Did we stand a chance? No. Acquiring a vaccine slot felt like Hunger Games. Cowin is the Hunger Games rebranded for Indians. Why choose people from each state when you can torture everyone at the same time? Where is my Peeta, universe? Where?
I allowed myself to wallow and cry as much as I needed. (I am starting to wonder exactly how much of my body fluids are allotted to tears at this point. Do they get their own water tank?) Since doing things didn't work I chose to simply do nothing. When you don't feel like yourself for whatever reason, doing the things you love save you. A lot of them are no longer an option. The ones that are accessible suddenly give you no joy. It's been more than a month. It has gotten better but I still have periods of numbness. I'm not taking more work than I can handle. I haven't forced myself to be busy. To be honest, I don't know how to dig myself completely out of this one. It feels insurmountable and endless. It's harder for most people to cope because there seems to be no end.
I now have longer peaceful spans and smaller spurts of grieving. Feeling the ouchies and ickiness of it all and not forcing productivity has helped me the most. There isn't much I can offer to you mentally or emotionally but I earnestly hope you're all okay too.
(If you've found better ways to cope, please tell me)
Update - I am feeling significantly better as the month is progressing. It may be the hope that lockdown will end soon. Long stretches of grieving seem to be dissipating. While pangs of sadness about wasted days of my life remain, but I can deal with them. Give yourself the space to feel shitty if you must.
📝 Movies, characters, deres, jocks and nerds
(Let it be known that I love American movies. Crappy shows and romcoms are food for tired souls)
I watched two Ghibli movies this week. It's not secret that I love Japanese movies and TV shows. I couldn't help but think about the vast difference between the many American movies and the few Japanese movies I have watched. (Yes I know it as an unfair comparison because of the numbers and yes I know amazing American movies exist) You know you're watching an American teenage movie when everyone is vying for popularity to toxic extents and people are put into personality boxes that they literally cannot transcend. Think of the Breakfast Club - there's the bad boy, the jock, the nerd, the weird person and the pretty girl. (I like the Breakfast Club but I'm trying to make a point here) In contrast, I think of Whisper of My Heart (not the best comparison because the genres are different) in which the male protagonist is an aspiring violin maker and the female protagonist is an aspiring writer. She loves read but isn't put in the nerd box or shunned in the cafeteria. Each character is allowed to have other qualities. They hang out with all kinds of people. They feel real. Not everything is about being popular. (I felt so warm and fuzzy for more than a day after watching that movie) American movies hit you in the face with so much machismo. Everything is about being bigger and better than someone else. I truly wish they would explore more interesting characters. (I feel the same way about Bollywood. Why are nearly all the characters Punjabi? Seriously, what's up with that?)
I have reached a point where I can predict how absolutely any American animated movie will end. Two fundamentally dissimilar characters will pair up on a journey to accomplish a shared goal - they don't like each other at first but they work together - something will happen to put a wedge between them - they argue - they split - one person falls in trouble - the other sulky character saves the other - VOILA - they like each other again - the villain/fate makes a final strike - the characters we started this journey with obviously prevail - the end. I could never have predicted how Spirited Away or Howl's Moving Castle would have ended! The Japanese movies that I have watched always have a sense of possibility. There is something I cannot predict. That is what I'm looking for in life. I want to be surprised!
(Back to characters and stereotypes) Anime has a concept called dere or an archetype. Each anime will have several deres. Each dere has its own traits. Some characters are a mix of deres. Light Yagami from Death Note is a Kamidere. A Kamidere is arrogant and has a god complex. Kamideres usually don't have any romantic roles in the storyline. Kusuo Saiki from the Disastrous Life of Saiki K would be a Tsundere. Tsundere is one of the more common deres. They're tough, aloof and harsh but soften as the plot progresses. Each dere is fascinating. One example is the difference between Yandere and Yangire. While both are meant to be cute, a Yandere gets violent and scary when in love, a Yangire can break into violence for absolutely no reason. A Yangire is, as some articles have informed me, a cute psycho. Whatever that means. Each anime is usually an assortment of deres. I find that so fascinating.
In India, we have 8 types of female characters called the Ashta Nayikas. They come from the Natya Shastra, a treatise on performing arts. In the good old (acche din? lol?), drama was considered the highest form of art. This was the hierarchy of lalita kala (fine art) - 1. Natya ( dramatic representation) 2. Kavya (Poetry) 3. Sangita (music) 4. Chitra (painting) 5. Murti shilpa (sculpture) 6. Vastu shilpa (architecture) Why in this order you may wonder. Art was considered good if you, the viewer, felt the emotion of the story. If the protagonist’s heart breaks, you need to feel the pain. The best art allows you to transcend yourself and feel a kind of joy which they called rasa. I won't go into the rasa theory, don't worry. Drama is one of the best ways to do so. (Info taken from my notes from many lectures. No, I'm not stealing info from websites without citing them. Citation is now second nature)
All the other forms of art were said to draw from Natya. All of the 8 characters found themselves in drama, poetry, painting, sculpture and occasionally on buildings. Unfortunately all of these nayikas exist in relation to a man. I wasn't thrilled either. But what can I do? Send me back to the 10th century so I can give the writer a piece of my mind. What about the single nayika who is living her own life and minding her own business?
Copied from wikipedia are the exact nayikas - one dressed up for union (#ootd), one distressed by separation (separation anxiety), one having her husband in subjection (no comments), one separated by quarrel (the silent treatment), one enraged with her lover (god help him), one deceived by her lover (ouch), one with a sojourning husband (eh), one going to meet her lover. (the curfew defier)
The interpretations of these stories were heavy on emotion rather than personality traits as seen in the deres. The aim was to make you feel the emotion. The historic Indian way was interactive and contemplative, whereas the modern(ish) Japanese way is to create incredible complexity inside not caring much about how you interpret it.
The more I see the less I know. I am fascinated by the way storytelling differs in each country and how characteristics are expressed. I'd love to watch more foreign films and watch how they explore characters. This is also a small plea for Americans to make better high school depictions and better children's movies (Soul was great but its plot was identical to what I described a few paragraphs ago)
(This is really just a call for movie recommendations disguised in an attempt to sound informative. Help me add some variety to my weekend movie nights. Please?)
BOOK
⭐️ Thinking Fast and Slow By Daniel Kahneman - I'm 30ish% through this book but I get stunned by some new facet of our brains in every single page. We could not be further away from the rational beings we presume ourselves to be. Our brains are so sensitive to the environments we find ourselves in. Something as simple as the order in which questions are asked can change our opinions. We are more changeable and moldable that we ever thought. This book is worth the effort. I am ever so slowly making my way through this book. my reading rut is a strong little motherfucker. Highly recommend this book.
ARTICLES
⭐️ What if you could do it all over?
AUDIO GOODIES
The Blah You're Feeling Is Called Languishing on WorkLife with Adam Grant - Adam wrote a viral article for The New York Times on a feeling many of us are struggling with right now. It's somewhere between burnout and depression: languishing. This neglected middle child of mental health can dull your motivation and focus—and it may be the dominant emotion of 2021.
Aren't we all feeling this in some form? Adam talks about how to deal with our sense of languishing.
COOL THINGS ON THE INTERNET
Map of the Internet in 2021.
Map of Literature.
The Map of Stereotypes
Bath Houses in Japan.
A Moment of the Universe.
That's all for May. A lot happened this month. We got hit by a cyclone. A tree I loved with all of my heart crashed onto my car. Somehow the fact that I'll never see that enormous tree bursting with bright yellow copper pods makes my heart sadder. Who insures the uninsurable? Who will pay for the lost trees, flowers and birds?
A few days after you get this email, I'll turn 27. I'll probably rant about it next month. I'll leave you with this for now and ever so much love.
Warmly,
Sachi
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