Volume 23 😴
This month's newsletter is a little different. I didn't feel like reading or listening to much at all this month. By some stroke of luck (and consistently working on it for a year, acknowledge the work you do on yourself goddamnit) I'm okay with it, I haven't forced myself to consume content for the heck of it. I've written three mini-essays about the joys and grumbles that come with being human followed by a few recommendations. Enjoy!
📝 The Sun and Joy.
I tuned into a live chat on Instagram with Alok Vaid Menon before I went to bed last night. I admire Alok deeply. The world is a better place with people like them speaking their truth and expressing themselves. Something they said really caught my attention. They talked about truly finding joy outside of the identity we built around our wounds. In that live chat what they meant was how important it is for people of the LGBTQ community to find true joy that was separate from being accepted in society. Since I can't speak about that and this is my newsletter, I will speak about myself. (I, me, myself. *chuckles* 👑)
(A wound you carry for years can stem from anything. If you follow Nicole LePera or anyone doing work like her you know what I'm talking about. This is a belief or a way of coping you may have picked up from family, friends or society that has given you a dysfunctional/ unhealthy way of engaging with the world. You see your world through this lens. Your joy, disappointments, successes, and failures are all seen through this frame.)
My biggest wound is associating my worth with how much I do. I do this in a sneaky way where nothing I do is 'enough' because the goal isn't measurable. I have grown up around people who never allowed themselves to rest and people who never patted themselves on the back or acknowledged their own progress. There was always more to do, more to achieve and countless ways in which we haven't done already. This is why when Adrienne Maree Brown, the author of Pleasure Activism, asked the question "Are you satisfiable?" in her interview on Hurry Slowly, it stopped me in my tracks. Here's a quote from the same interview - “I’ll ask people, ‘When was the last time you were satisfied? Can you imagine being satisfied? What are the things that satisfy you in a given day? How do you know that you have done enough in a given day? Do you understand that you don’t have to produce anything to deserve satisfaction?’”
Do you understand that you don’t have to produce anything to deserve satisfaction?
Soak it in. What the fuck?
My parents and people their age had their own reasons to work as hard as they did and save every spare rupee. Some of us (thankfully) don't have that pressure looming over us daily. But the inability to feel satisfied and be at rest hasn't left us (it hasn't left me) My joy comes from getting things done, being efficient and rushing through my to-do list. I feel worthy of love, warmth and appreciation when I have done enough.
Alok said we must aim to heal from those wounds and find joy that is unrelated to that wound. For me, that would mean finding joy in things that aren't deemed as 'productive' or work disguised as recreation or sneaky side projects among other things.
Here are some ways in which I have tried to gently do less and not be harsh with myself.
📝 This newsletter is one instance where I didn't force myself to do more than I felt like. My reading funk has been going on for a while. I carry my kindle wherever I go but I haven't felt like reading yet and it is okay.
(+ I want to reduce the number of books in my yearly Goodreads goal or get rid of it altogether. By now I know I love reading, I don't need these accountability tools that tend to get competitive. I haven't done it yet but I want to. It feels harder than it should)
👧🏻 Whenever I daydream about getting a million things done and how amazing I'll feel afterwards, I visualise myself at various ages, hug that kid and telling her she is enough regardless of how much she does/ doesn't do. I tell myself I am enough repeatedly. It's surprising how much doing something so tiny helps.
🏋️♀️ I work out regularly, 5 times a week. As much as that feels like 'doing' something, I'm prioritizing what actually feels good. I feel fantastic after a good workout. Instagram scrolling feels less rewarding. I've been doing less of that.
💻 I have chilled the fuck out with online courses. I take them like an addict. I now do only one module a day or sometimes skip that as well if I'm tired. It isn't a race and it is okay to learn slowly.
🌞 I soak in sunlight like a houseplant every afternoon. Around 3pm sunlight pours into my room like a spotlight. I stop work and bask in it for a few minutes. I love it. I don't know why it feels so good and why it gives me so much joy.
Isn't it more interesting to discover aspects of yourself as you grow older than aim to collect accomplishments? Currently, I'm asking myself who I am when I'm not looking for validation. I'm a houseplant who likes working out and making collages. I think I like this person more.
📝 Hunger and Time Limits
Recently, it dawned on me that I was a lot older than I thought I was. I didn't forget my age but the implications of that number really struck me. Many of those implications are self-imposed but stay with me. I felt the immediate need to 'get my shit together' 2020 shouldn't be counted but unfortunately our bodies don't understand that. We age anyway. I started looking up videos about finance so I could start to get my aforementioned shit together. We know that content making has exploded. Kids know more about personal finance than I do. It doesn't help when most of these videos are targeted to kids in their late teens and early 20s. These videos mention how if you start late (like in your late 20s) you lose out on sooooo much money because of compounding. Compounding is awesome, don't get me wrong but must you shame me for joining the compounding bandwagon a little late? And where were you, o content maker, when I was spending my internship money on booze and unhealthy fried snacks in my early 20s?
Yes, older readers, people like you did give me some perspective. Thank you for befriending me and giving me hope when I behave like a headless chicken. It is indeed never too late. Today is the best day to start if you haven't already.
I started to make a plan furiously. I encountered only a thousand logistical issues to get things started.
Every day there was something new. WHY, cruel universe, would you not let me enjoy compounding like those reel-making children? Compounding was the financial gulab jamun I wanted so desperately.
I had another one of those wait-for-x-hours-till-this-account-will-let-you-do-what-you-want-to days and I resorted to my universe cussing and then it hit me.
WHY did I want this so desperately and impatiently?
Why did not having my shit together make me feel like such a failure? And who decides how much shit must be together for you to have sailed through your 20s successfully?
(Every time I approach something with desperate, cranky and chaotic energy, it inevitably fails or hits a million roadblocks. There is something to be said for approaching things calmly, knowing that things will (eventually) work out. I will get my finances in place. I will build better relationships with clients. I will eventually learn to charge them more money. I will eventually invest more. *breathes slowly*)
The never ending hunger for achieving things so I could finally take a (small) break was exhausting.
I need to do this AND THEN I can chill out. *completes that task*
IMMEDIATELY adds another thing to the list.
When does this achievement treadmill stop? I don't want to be the only one without good savings. (Only one among who? Do I have a measure for good?) Obviously, there is more to the story than that.
When you set out to achieve an arbitrary goal which cannot be measured, you're in a pickle. I want to be rich is not a practical goal. I want to save X by this age makes much more sense. If you don't have measurable goals, you can keep pushing the goal post when you get closer (like I do) and never pause to pat yourself on the back. This reminds me of school when doing well in one area simply wasn't enough. I had (slightly) insatiable parents. When there isn't a measurable goal, there's no way you can succeed but there's no way to fail either. The sucky aspect of that is being stuck in goal-limbo forever. Like I wrote in the previous essay, I decided to work on it.
I then did something I hadn't done in a while. I calmed (tf) down and decided to do the best that I could do in that situation and that would be the end of it. I waited patiently. Soon enough I opened the accounts I wanted to, did what I had set out to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, my money is now compounding.
📝 My Skin and Other Complaints
I was born into a family in which women have the most gorgeous skin. My mother, her mother and aunts have the clearest and most radiant skin I have ever seen. With skin that was late to wrinkle and absolutely spotless, women from my mother's side of the family inevitably look decades younger.
As a child I saw make up covered gorgeous women on billboards and naturally stunning women at home. I couldn't wait to grow up! Would I look like that?
Lol. No. Maybe a little?
Being a teenager is hard enough, being a teenager with braces and forehead acne is indescribably worse. I tried almost any face wash that claimed it could get rid of acne. I tried on a roll-on stick Garnier launched at that time which released a mix of salicylic acid and other chemicals on your skin to disencumber the most persistent acne. I wished that horrid product would erode the acne away but it didn't work. I was in teenage hell. The years passed, the braces came off and eventually the acne disappeared too. I'd be visited by an occasional pimple every other month. I eventually learned to ignore pimples because the less I cared the sooner they seemed to disappear.
While my most obvious enemy seemed to have moved on, I was constantly smacked in the face with others. Patches, corns, infections and other niggles that led me to conclude I would never look like the stunning women at home. I would comfort myself and try to soothe my generally low self esteem by reminding myself of my other well functioning organs. The problem isn't having extraordinarily beautiful women in the family, the problem arises when you feel like you're obviously not one of them. I had to accept that even if I didn't look like them, I look okay and that's enough. Working on accepting and even liking how you look takes constant work when it doesn't come to you naturally.
In late 2019 when I had reached a level of relative acceptance I waded through filthy floodwater in the middle of a work day to get home, I caught an infection thathaunts harasses me till today. It comes and goes like an unhealthy relationship (insert favourite sitcom couple) This was a whole new level of persistence. I wanted to shed all of my skin, like a snake, and grow a fresh layer hoping it would be clearer and less marred by infections and unbalanced hormones. At this point I had attacked my body with chemicals for years and self-deprecating jokes to avoid how much I disliked it. Something had to change. My skin clearly wasn't the one changing but maybe my relationship with it could change.
I take Tibetan herbal medicine among other natural medicines to deal with this irritation that I call my skin. (not very polite but okay) I was at peak exasperation one day when my doctor told me that humans have different types of body compositions, and that I had the one that tends to have skin problems. Each body informs itself of problems in different ways. Mine shows up on my skin. Another person would have fought this infection in a month and never had to deal with it again but would have their own persistent issues to deal with. There's nothing wrong with me, my body simply chooses to announce all that's wrong on my skin like a billboard. (Slight passive aggression but okay. *breathes in slowly*) It's just how my body communicates imbalances with me.
Unlike the previous essay this one is a work in progress. It's different because there are days when I'm at peace with my skin and I go to the shower and it all comes crashing down. I feel ugly and beautiful at the same time. It's weird and I'm still navigating it.
I will choose to celebrate the fact that I can see it as beautiful on some days. For now, that is enough.
BOOK
Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro - I haven't read his extremely famous book Never Let Me Go. This was my first ever Ishiguro novel. It was....interesting. Klara is a deeply observant solar-powered AF (artificial friend) manufactured to give a child company. She is an extremely endearing narrator. She has the innocence of a child which is truly heartwarming to read. I never thought I'd come to love a robot in a book.
There are two ways to set a dystopian environment in a book - 1. describe it right from the start 2. reveal it slowly in the background as if it wasn't a big deal at all. Klara and the Sun does the latter which does wonders to keep you on the edge of your seat, desperate to know more about the world these characters live in. There is no big reveal so don't expect one. I want to describe that world for you but it would be a spoiler. :/
I loved the tension Ishiguro built by making sure Klara knows as much about the world as we do. It was fantastic but at the same time this wasn't a 5/5 for me. It's still a good book.
ARTICLE
⭐️ The Most Respectful Interpretation - What if that person who didn't respond to your email or that person who didn't call you back ISN'T an asshole? How can we stop assuming the worst?
PODCAST
How Grateful Are We To Live Beyond The Gender Binary? with ALOK on Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness.
COOL INTERNET THINGS
💖Aesthetics Wikipedia - it explains aesthetic styles, movements and terms in a comprehensive way.
⭐️ Movie of The Night - making choosing what to watch easier.
Creatures of Hope.
The vibrant art of Yulong Lli.
That's all for April, folks. No, really. That is it.
Please slow down and enjoy this time you have. As corny as I sound, the achievement treadmill is awful and we're all on it in some way. Let us aim to get off it together.
I hope you enjoyed this month's newsletter, see you in May!
Warmly,
Sachi
🌸If you like this newsletter, send it to a friend or an acquaintance you only send memes to on Instagram. Seeing even one new subscriber every month makes me so happy. Please feed my insecurity. 🌸
Jokes aside, you can support my projects and writing by sharing this with a friend or supporting me with a book. 📖
Find the Volumes archive here.
📝 The Sun and Joy.
I tuned into a live chat on Instagram with Alok Vaid Menon before I went to bed last night. I admire Alok deeply. The world is a better place with people like them speaking their truth and expressing themselves. Something they said really caught my attention. They talked about truly finding joy outside of the identity we built around our wounds. In that live chat what they meant was how important it is for people of the LGBTQ community to find true joy that was separate from being accepted in society. Since I can't speak about that and this is my newsletter, I will speak about myself. (I, me, myself. *chuckles* 👑)
(A wound you carry for years can stem from anything. If you follow Nicole LePera or anyone doing work like her you know what I'm talking about. This is a belief or a way of coping you may have picked up from family, friends or society that has given you a dysfunctional/ unhealthy way of engaging with the world. You see your world through this lens. Your joy, disappointments, successes, and failures are all seen through this frame.)
My biggest wound is associating my worth with how much I do. I do this in a sneaky way where nothing I do is 'enough' because the goal isn't measurable. I have grown up around people who never allowed themselves to rest and people who never patted themselves on the back or acknowledged their own progress. There was always more to do, more to achieve and countless ways in which we haven't done already. This is why when Adrienne Maree Brown, the author of Pleasure Activism, asked the question "Are you satisfiable?" in her interview on Hurry Slowly, it stopped me in my tracks. Here's a quote from the same interview - “I’ll ask people, ‘When was the last time you were satisfied? Can you imagine being satisfied? What are the things that satisfy you in a given day? How do you know that you have done enough in a given day? Do you understand that you don’t have to produce anything to deserve satisfaction?’”
Do you understand that you don’t have to produce anything to deserve satisfaction?
Soak it in. What the fuck?
My parents and people their age had their own reasons to work as hard as they did and save every spare rupee. Some of us (thankfully) don't have that pressure looming over us daily. But the inability to feel satisfied and be at rest hasn't left us (it hasn't left me) My joy comes from getting things done, being efficient and rushing through my to-do list. I feel worthy of love, warmth and appreciation when I have done enough.
Alok said we must aim to heal from those wounds and find joy that is unrelated to that wound. For me, that would mean finding joy in things that aren't deemed as 'productive' or work disguised as recreation or sneaky side projects among other things.
Here are some ways in which I have tried to gently do less and not be harsh with myself.
📝 This newsletter is one instance where I didn't force myself to do more than I felt like. My reading funk has been going on for a while. I carry my kindle wherever I go but I haven't felt like reading yet and it is okay.
(+ I want to reduce the number of books in my yearly Goodreads goal or get rid of it altogether. By now I know I love reading, I don't need these accountability tools that tend to get competitive. I haven't done it yet but I want to. It feels harder than it should)
👧🏻 Whenever I daydream about getting a million things done and how amazing I'll feel afterwards, I visualise myself at various ages, hug that kid and telling her she is enough regardless of how much she does/ doesn't do. I tell myself I am enough repeatedly. It's surprising how much doing something so tiny helps.
🏋️♀️ I work out regularly, 5 times a week. As much as that feels like 'doing' something, I'm prioritizing what actually feels good. I feel fantastic after a good workout. Instagram scrolling feels less rewarding. I've been doing less of that.
💻 I have chilled the fuck out with online courses. I take them like an addict. I now do only one module a day or sometimes skip that as well if I'm tired. It isn't a race and it is okay to learn slowly.
🌞 I soak in sunlight like a houseplant every afternoon. Around 3pm sunlight pours into my room like a spotlight. I stop work and bask in it for a few minutes. I love it. I don't know why it feels so good and why it gives me so much joy.
Isn't it more interesting to discover aspects of yourself as you grow older than aim to collect accomplishments? Currently, I'm asking myself who I am when I'm not looking for validation. I'm a houseplant who likes working out and making collages. I think I like this person more.
📝 Hunger and Time Limits
Recently, it dawned on me that I was a lot older than I thought I was. I didn't forget my age but the implications of that number really struck me. Many of those implications are self-imposed but stay with me. I felt the immediate need to 'get my shit together' 2020 shouldn't be counted but unfortunately our bodies don't understand that. We age anyway. I started looking up videos about finance so I could start to get my aforementioned shit together. We know that content making has exploded. Kids know more about personal finance than I do. It doesn't help when most of these videos are targeted to kids in their late teens and early 20s. These videos mention how if you start late (like in your late 20s) you lose out on sooooo much money because of compounding. Compounding is awesome, don't get me wrong but must you shame me for joining the compounding bandwagon a little late? And where were you, o content maker, when I was spending my internship money on booze and unhealthy fried snacks in my early 20s?
Yes, older readers, people like you did give me some perspective. Thank you for befriending me and giving me hope when I behave like a headless chicken. It is indeed never too late. Today is the best day to start if you haven't already.
I started to make a plan furiously. I encountered only a thousand logistical issues to get things started.
Every day there was something new. WHY, cruel universe, would you not let me enjoy compounding like those reel-making children? Compounding was the financial gulab jamun I wanted so desperately.
I had another one of those wait-for-x-hours-till-this-account-will-let-you-do-what-you-want-to days and I resorted to my universe cussing and then it hit me.
WHY did I want this so desperately and impatiently?
Why did not having my shit together make me feel like such a failure? And who decides how much shit must be together for you to have sailed through your 20s successfully?
(Every time I approach something with desperate, cranky and chaotic energy, it inevitably fails or hits a million roadblocks. There is something to be said for approaching things calmly, knowing that things will (eventually) work out. I will get my finances in place. I will build better relationships with clients. I will eventually learn to charge them more money. I will eventually invest more. *breathes slowly*)
The never ending hunger for achieving things so I could finally take a (small) break was exhausting.
I need to do this AND THEN I can chill out. *completes that task*
IMMEDIATELY adds another thing to the list.
When does this achievement treadmill stop? I don't want to be the only one without good savings. (Only one among who? Do I have a measure for good?) Obviously, there is more to the story than that.
When you set out to achieve an arbitrary goal which cannot be measured, you're in a pickle. I want to be rich is not a practical goal. I want to save X by this age makes much more sense. If you don't have measurable goals, you can keep pushing the goal post when you get closer (like I do) and never pause to pat yourself on the back. This reminds me of school when doing well in one area simply wasn't enough. I had (slightly) insatiable parents. When there isn't a measurable goal, there's no way you can succeed but there's no way to fail either. The sucky aspect of that is being stuck in goal-limbo forever. Like I wrote in the previous essay, I decided to work on it.
I then did something I hadn't done in a while. I calmed (tf) down and decided to do the best that I could do in that situation and that would be the end of it. I waited patiently. Soon enough I opened the accounts I wanted to, did what I had set out to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, my money is now compounding.
📝 My Skin and Other Complaints
I was born into a family in which women have the most gorgeous skin. My mother, her mother and aunts have the clearest and most radiant skin I have ever seen. With skin that was late to wrinkle and absolutely spotless, women from my mother's side of the family inevitably look decades younger.
As a child I saw make up covered gorgeous women on billboards and naturally stunning women at home. I couldn't wait to grow up! Would I look like that?
Lol. No. Maybe a little?
Being a teenager is hard enough, being a teenager with braces and forehead acne is indescribably worse. I tried almost any face wash that claimed it could get rid of acne. I tried on a roll-on stick Garnier launched at that time which released a mix of salicylic acid and other chemicals on your skin to disencumber the most persistent acne. I wished that horrid product would erode the acne away but it didn't work. I was in teenage hell. The years passed, the braces came off and eventually the acne disappeared too. I'd be visited by an occasional pimple every other month. I eventually learned to ignore pimples because the less I cared the sooner they seemed to disappear.
While my most obvious enemy seemed to have moved on, I was constantly smacked in the face with others. Patches, corns, infections and other niggles that led me to conclude I would never look like the stunning women at home. I would comfort myself and try to soothe my generally low self esteem by reminding myself of my other well functioning organs. The problem isn't having extraordinarily beautiful women in the family, the problem arises when you feel like you're obviously not one of them. I had to accept that even if I didn't look like them, I look okay and that's enough. Working on accepting and even liking how you look takes constant work when it doesn't come to you naturally.
In late 2019 when I had reached a level of relative acceptance I waded through filthy floodwater in the middle of a work day to get home, I caught an infection that
I take Tibetan herbal medicine among other natural medicines to deal with this irritation that I call my skin. (not very polite but okay) I was at peak exasperation one day when my doctor told me that humans have different types of body compositions, and that I had the one that tends to have skin problems. Each body informs itself of problems in different ways. Mine shows up on my skin. Another person would have fought this infection in a month and never had to deal with it again but would have their own persistent issues to deal with. There's nothing wrong with me, my body simply chooses to announce all that's wrong on my skin like a billboard. (Slight passive aggression but okay. *breathes in slowly*) It's just how my body communicates imbalances with me.
Unlike the previous essay this one is a work in progress. It's different because there are days when I'm at peace with my skin and I go to the shower and it all comes crashing down. I feel ugly and beautiful at the same time. It's weird and I'm still navigating it.
I will choose to celebrate the fact that I can see it as beautiful on some days. For now, that is enough.
BOOK
Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro - I haven't read his extremely famous book Never Let Me Go. This was my first ever Ishiguro novel. It was....interesting. Klara is a deeply observant solar-powered AF (artificial friend) manufactured to give a child company. She is an extremely endearing narrator. She has the innocence of a child which is truly heartwarming to read. I never thought I'd come to love a robot in a book.
There are two ways to set a dystopian environment in a book - 1. describe it right from the start 2. reveal it slowly in the background as if it wasn't a big deal at all. Klara and the Sun does the latter which does wonders to keep you on the edge of your seat, desperate to know more about the world these characters live in. There is no big reveal so don't expect one. I want to describe that world for you but it would be a spoiler. :/
I loved the tension Ishiguro built by making sure Klara knows as much about the world as we do. It was fantastic but at the same time this wasn't a 5/5 for me. It's still a good book.
ARTICLE
⭐️ The Most Respectful Interpretation - What if that person who didn't respond to your email or that person who didn't call you back ISN'T an asshole? How can we stop assuming the worst?
PODCAST
How Grateful Are We To Live Beyond The Gender Binary? with ALOK on Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness.
COOL INTERNET THINGS
💖Aesthetics Wikipedia - it explains aesthetic styles, movements and terms in a comprehensive way.
⭐️ Movie of The Night - making choosing what to watch easier.
Creatures of Hope.
The vibrant art of Yulong Lli.
That's all for April, folks. No, really. That is it.
Please slow down and enjoy this time you have. As corny as I sound, the achievement treadmill is awful and we're all on it in some way. Let us aim to get off it together.
I hope you enjoyed this month's newsletter, see you in May!
Warmly,
Sachi
🌸If you like this newsletter, send it to a friend or an acquaintance you only send memes to on Instagram. Seeing even one new subscriber every month makes me so happy. Please feed my insecurity. 🌸
Jokes aside, you can support my projects and writing by sharing this with a friend or supporting me with a book. 📖
Find the Volumes archive here.
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