08 - Thank you for the hard work!
Hello, dear readers. I packed up and fucked off without a warning and I apologise. I will do my very best to appear semi-regularly in your inbox henceforth. (This email is LONG so feel free to take your own sweet time with it.)
My grandfather passed away in September and it was a challenging time for all of us. He was one of the kindest people I knew. He has taught me so much. I wanted to write about it but ended up erasing a lot of what I had written. It didn't feel right. The time between the last email and this one has been transformative. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for asking me where the newsletters were and if I was okay.
🌊 Hi, I'm Sachi and this is Currents where I talk about all kinds of things. If you want to unsubscribe, click the link below. If you like this newsletter, send it to someone who you think may enjoy it. This is optional. The few followers who reply and chat afterwards, all I ask is that you folks stick around.
(Here's my favourite Christmas ornament - a snowman who doesn't look pleased about being hung on the branch of a plastic Christmas tree)
Release the stress in your hip flexors - 1
"Gently push your hip forward with your thumb to stretch your hips flexors. Breathe into this feeling of discomfort and release the stress within them. If you sit in one spot all day, you most likely hold a lot of stress in your hip flexors." (Sarabeth from SarabethYoga on Youtube)
I consider myself a fairly flexible person. I practised yoga regularly as a teen until I joined architecture school where rushing headfirst to a death induced by lifestyle disorders was favourable to longevity. After taking a break from that daredevilish lifestyle, when my nerves stopped being as sensitive as pop rocks, the world was smacked in the face by covid. I resumed yoga, with scant regularity. Lately, my strength training has left me more sore and stiff than it ever has. I feel like a creaky building, every move a cry for help. I try to stretch more to return to my happy place of folding myself like dough. I rethink my choices as I push my hip every so slightly while in a deep lunge.
"Your traps hold on to too much stress. You should get frequent massages. You need to stretch your hamstrings more. Sitting in one place all day is not helping your body." (My trainer)
"There are many kinds of stress. Good stress can lead to psychological endurance. However, any stress over a long period of time can be detrimental to your health." (Kessonga from Headspace)
"Stress can kill you" (Some unmemorable person online)
I often eat apples mindlessly when I zone out, like Ryuk, the Shinigami in Death Note. An apple a day did not keep the many doctors I see semi-regularly at bay. I feel quite cheated.
"How many people do you think got sick before they realised apple seeds contain cyanide?", I ask my mum as she tries to watch funny reels on Instagram in peace. She shrugs.
"Get to know your stress"
I'm waging war against stress, I say with unnecessary enthusiasm to myself, as if my stress were an imaginary enemy and I was America.
"If you stopped working all the time, maybe you'd feel better" (an ex)
I breathe into the discomfort, as Sarabeth on Youtube tells me to do. I lean forward every so slightly but it hurts. I stretch some more. The stress makes no sign of stopping. There is no end to this. Will you kindly leave my body, years of unaddressed stress?
Release the stress in your hip flexors - 2
(The process of how I learned to deal with aforementioned stress more gently...in great detail)
It was in an awful little moment in November when it dawned on me that I had a little over a month to complete my applications to design schools WHILE also leading the rebranding of the agency I work for. Deadlines were tight and expectations were high.
I almost had a panic attack.
The last panic attack I was unfortunate enough to have was in 2015, when college was brutally stressful and failing felt like the end of the world. Professors were quick to have expectations and be cruel when those arbitrary expectations weren't met. I stored the feelings of anxiety and the fear of being a disappointment deep in my body.
Sachi in 2022 is calmer. She has worked on unrealistic expectations and has created a kinder environment for herself. She eats well and works out regularly. She does everything the internet says is necessary for a good life. But in that fateful moment, it all came rushing back. Years of progress rendered ineffective in one moment. If I do not meet everyone's expectations and deliver stellar results - I will die. All my muscles felt tight. I breathed as deeply and steadily as I could to stop that cascade of stress. Somehow, it worked.
I've talked about my experience in college before. I thought I was over it. I was sick of allowing the same stale experiences from college, past relationships and workplaces to define everything I do as an adult. Those people are living their best lives while I find myself stuck in a moment when a professor told me I was too incompetent to be an architect. I refused to let this continue forever. I wanted a life lived deliberately, with an open heart and with enthusiasm, not as a series of challenges to overcome. I wanted this month to be the best one I've had this year. I wanted to see the world differently and I was going to use this hectic month to do so. I will figure this shit out and have a better origin story when Debbie Millman interviews me on Design Matters (whenever it happens) It was this pursuit that brought me back to the yoga mat, attempting to stretch my stiff hip flexors.
My grandfather was one of those rare people who found something to enjoy in every experience. As a young person who thought she was too cool to be happy, I didn't understand his way of navigating the world. We could be stuck in traffic and he would find something to enjoy. I missed him and decided to try his approach. What would he have done? I made a list of enjoyable and happy memories from college. I wrote down every opportunity it gave me, every door it opened, and everything it taught me. I took a moment to be grateful for the fulfilling experiences from college I'd buried because of the more traumatic ones. Each experience is a mix of pleasant and unpleasant aspects. If I must use this college experience as the foundation of everything, why not make space for the things that were great? The current situation I'm in isn't all bad either. I get to work from home, in my pjs. I have the best team in the world. I'll be okay. And so we set out on the journey to (somehow) befriend stress.
I signed up for Headspace's 4 week long stress management program. The plan was to meditate every day and do the daily exercises in that program while being as kind to myself as I possibly could. The real challenge that I foresaw was to hold space for all the times things weren't done on time, when the feeling of impending doom and disappointment begin to resurface.
I stuck to the program as diligently as I could. I reckon the makers of this program knew that people like me would try to overachieve, complete everything in a go, and be harsh towards ourselves when we don't complete something on time. You were only given the activities for a day at 12AM, it would not refresh even if you finished them all by 1AM. You got a few bonus activities for the rest of the day but there was no way to speed up the pace. 'It's okay if you don't finish this. I love you even if you don't complete any of this. You are allowed to take your own time with things' was something I kept repeating to myself. I had nothing to prove. The course was self paced and nobody was here to shame me if I didn't complete a day on time. The pockets of quiet time I created for myself let me differentiate between my own voice and the messages I picked up from professors and older toxic workplaces. I gradually began to identify with my feelings and not those external messages I had been repeating out of habit. It reached a point where I didn't care if I finished the applications or whether I got in or not. My wellbeing came first. (I finished everything on time)
Kessonga, the conductor of the workshop, gently leads you through strategies of acknowledging and coping with stress. One video takes you through how engaging with nature, even if it's a houseplant, for a few minutes a day significantly reduces your levels of stress. As many of you know, my window faces a verdant mango tree which is a home to many squirrels and birds. It happened to be bursting with mango blossoms in November. I couldn't believe that I managed to block out the fragrance for so long. I took mini breaks to watch the hyperactive squirrels, smell the mango blossoms, and watch the branches sway in the breeze. It helps a lot. Kessonga wasn't lying. Doing body scans, taking moments to focus on your breath, using occasional affirmations and stretching between long stretches of work will transform your day.
I deleted Instagram in November (I checked it on my laptop occasionally as it isn't as addictive as it is on the phone) I installed it again in the first week of December and instantly regretted it. I found myself expecting the worst of people, hating the world and feeling fidgety even though nothing in my life was directly causing those emotions. Noticing that a lot of unpleasantness and discomfort I feel on a daily basis has nothing to do with me helped tremendously. I can see my life and myself most clearly when I'm not being told to fear the world, to compare myself to more beautiful women, or to drown in oversimplified self help content from questionable influencers. (I still have Instagram but I'm working towards having better boundaries with using it.)
I made a spreadsheet with a list of deliverables broken down into smaller tasks to be completed per week. If I missed a day, I could catch up later as long as I got things done by the end of the week. This system worked for me because it took the pressure off each day. It was especially useful on days when I felt paralysed by how much I had to complete at work and for the applications. On rough days I would sit still and identify where in my body I felt the stress. Most often I felt tension in my shoulders, neck, back or my chest. Sometimes I felt it in my calves or my belly. Paying attention to the tension helps to dissolve it. I wonder if all stress wants is to be acknowledged and loved like a child throwing a small tantrum. I ask myself every night before I go to bed - how are you feeling today? What do you need to feel safe and valued today? What went well today?
My biggest fear was that I would let go of all self discipline and get nothing done if I relinquished control over situations. I allowed myself to skip workouts for a few days so I could complete application related tasks before work in the morning. I went to the gym after I finished the rebranding and applications out of habit. I didn't magically lose the routine I spent months building because I was kind to myself.
I'll have to watch how I deal with large tasks in the future but for now, I feel a lot lighter. I feel real peace which is independent of how much I complete or what I achieve. November was one of the best months of this year. To me, this experiment was a success.
Thank you for washing the dishes
***I wrote and rewrote this essay many times and inevitably ended up deleting every word. My grandfather passed away and I wanted to write an essay that could somehow capture how much joy he brought into my life and the lives of other people in my family. Since it was clearly going to be a daunting task to do it one shot, I decided to do it little parts by recounting small incidents and take things at my own pace.***
What is the best way to honour someone who has passed away? How could you possibly solidify the intangible impact they have had on your life? With my grandfather, I wanted to learn from him and become like him in some ways.
He moved in with us in 2020 when the lockdown began. During the first lockdown, my parents and I split the chores among ourselves. We managed the cooking and cleaning in turns. He would always thank me after I washed the dishes. I never understood it. I brushed it aside or chuckled awkwardly. Was it because he still sees me as a child or is it because he's glad someone is attacking the pile of dishes? I got swept along in the wave of people furiously baking things to protect the remaining shreds of their mental health in 2020. I baked bread, cakes, cookies, pies and tarts. He thanked me every single time I tried something new in the kitchen. It didn't matter if the baked item was good or bad. I always got thanked. He thanked me when I found new restaurants and ordered dinner. He thanked me for always going through the menu and ordering for the group. He thanked me for choosing what music to play every morning. He thanked me for selecting movies to watch. It was the sweetest gesture that I could never get myself to accept. Why would he thank me for something this trivial? It doesn't matter, does it? Do the little things that I do matter?
In Japan, people say otsukaresama to their coworkers after a day of work. You also say that to a friend or an acquaintance who you may have met after a day of work. It means thank you for your hard work. I love that. It's something my grandfather has always done. I miss him and say otsukaresama to myself when I finish tasks. I brushed it aside when he acknowledged little things I did when he was around. I now accept acknowledgment of any kind, as he would have liked me to do. Far too many of us refuse to see the light we bring to the world because it's easier to cling to the times we were hurt than see how many lives we've touched by simply being ourselves.
Thank you for showing up. Thank you for your hard work.
These essays were written while listening to this album.
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📚 Best Books of 2022 (In no particular order)
FICTION
The Stationery Shop by Marjan Kamali - This book is set in Tehran and the US. It is historical fiction and it is stunning. Give this a chance. There is nothing better than learning about other places through historical fiction.
The Death of Vivek Oji by Awaeke Emezi - This book covers many difficult subjects with utmost ease and beauty. It's a challenging but gorgeous read.
Nightbitch by Rachel Yoder - I dedicated an essay to this book. It had to be on the list!
Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke - A man's consciousness gets trapped in a Slack chat! This hilarious book takes place through texts on Slack. Emojis are included. It's an absolute chucklefest. Highly recommend.
Wotaku ni Koi wa Muzkashii series by Fujita (Manga - the translation I found was quite direct. I didn't mind it because I'm learning Japanese and understood some of their linguistic quirks)
You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle - An engaged man and woman somehow somehow start to hate each other and find their way back in the most hilarious and adorable way. Read it for warm end-of-the-year feels.
The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern - A wild wild journey in the most imaginative worlds. Read this if you like giant libraries, ancient books, portals, living legends, and mythology.
IN by Will McPhail - A graphic novel by New Yorker cartoonist Will Mc.Phail about what it means to truly connect with someone.
A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman - You've seen this everywhere. It is worth the hype. It will warm your cold heart. It is worth the hype.
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery - I have reread this over ten times as a kid and young adult. I ordered the entire series to read the latter parts as an adult. I couldn't do this without revisiting the first part again. I cried right from the start. Anne Shirley has played such a huge part in shaping me as a person just like Jo March from Little Women or Liz Bennett from Pride and Prejudice have done. I can go as far as to say that my adult personality is an amalgamation of my favourite female characters from these books.
NON FICTION
The Nutmeg's Curse by Amitav Ghosh - PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. I was shocked by how few ratings this book had on Goodreads! It's an interesting take on the link between the attitude that led colonialism and today's ecological crisis. Blaming the climate crisis on 'capitalism' or 'current economic conditions' takes the blame off centuries of genocide and environmental destruction at the hands of European settlers in the name of 'civilisation' and 'correcting the savagery of other people'.
A Velocity of Being: Letters to a Young Reader by Maria Popova - If this doesn't make you feel warm and doesn't tempt you to curl up a book, I will change my name. I'm only kidding. I quite like my name. Please read this. The letters and illustrations are gorgeous.
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss - Negotiation and confrontations don't have to be terrifying anymore. I liked this book because I'd rather do anything else other than negotiate. As a freelancer, I found myself constantly resentful because I didn't negotiate or confront clients when it was required. You will find useful nuggets in here no matter what you do.
DIDN'T KNOW IF THESE SHOULD MAKE IT TO THE LIST BUT EXCLUDING THEM FELT UNFAIR --- SPECIAL MENTIONS
Arbitrary Stupid Goals by Tamara Shopsin - Stories from Tamara Shopsin's youth growing up in the West Village of Manhattan featuring her family, the family restaurant, and family friend Willoughby.
Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid - I love tennis so I particularly enjoyed the comeback of fictional tennis champion, Carrie Soto, in her late 30's. I actually liked her 'unlikeable character'. I read FOUR of TJR's books this year. I was slightly underwhelmed by the The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, even though it is a great story, which is why it isn't on this list. I am conflicted about how I feel about TJR writing about Latinx people and their cultural concerns while being a white person. Many mixed feelings. Great plot.
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern - Stunning world building like the Starless Sea. Morgenstern is an artist who uses written word as a medium. She is a genius. Unfortunately, the plot and climax of this book were slightly disappointing.
A Book of Days by Patti Smith - Photographs and captions for each day of the year by Patti Smith - a genius beyond description. The book by itself is okay but I love her work way too much at this point.
I Will Judge you by your Bookshelf by Grant Snider - Cutest little book.
Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren - I enjoyed it but in hindsight always skipped the parts where the leads are teenagers. I'm far more interested in them as adults. Which means I effectively skip half of this every time I reread it.
THE WORST BOOK OF 2022 IMO (YOU'RE WELCOME)
Verity by Colleen Hoover - This book is responsible for the murder of my brain cells. Undoubtedly one of the worst books I have EVER read.
🎧 Podcasts I Loved in 2022
♥️ Eye Candy
Troye Sivan's house - which I want for myself.
A lot of eye candy in one place
👾 Things found online
Bo Burnham's short, slightly frantic rant about the colonization of our minds
Quyllur Rit'i in the Andes
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Until next time,
Sachi