Sulfur Season
(apologies to Noah Kahan)
I entered this poem in a ‘humorous poetry’ contest and did not receive any prize and/or honorable mention. In fact, the reviewer advised future contestants to ‘reach beyond…’ the topic of this specific humorous poem. I would say I felt called out except the actual winners did not make me lol, whilst my own entry did, because I am 12, and clearly I need to share it with Someone, Somehow, so here we are.
The label on the box promised not a single broimm
But fast food charged up my pants, pushed me
Halfway through the drive
And it kept me going on, as I passed the stop sign,
I kept on goin’ straight out back, tooted through a red light
Now this poof is stuck between a puffer and a blurt that I can’t hide
And even burning sage can’t cover the smell of something that has died
And I am terrified of breezes ‘cause I feel it in my pants
Doc told me take alpha-galactosidase, but it wreaks havoc on butt implants
And I love tacos, but it’s the season of the shits
And I hurt myself, doubled over just like thistle
And I feel distraught, but it’s just a thunder burrito
I’ll drink peppermint ‘til these gas pains leave for Trinidad and Tobago
And I’ll beg for mercy, drown my pain with Hüsker Dü
I’ll make promises to never eat, if only I could poo
Now it’s really late and I can’t even snooze
And I’m split in half but have nothing to lose
So I thought that if I guzzled bismuth subsalicylate
That I could plug the leaky clown and cut the hose of methane
But I am still clutching my belly, ‘cause the pink stuff didn’t work
It was guaranteed to stop me up but I’m still doing the toilet twerk
And I love tacos, but it’s the season of the shits
And I hurt myself, doubled over just like thistle
And I feel distraught, but it’s just a thunder burrito
I’ll drink peppermint ‘til these gas pains leave for Trinidad and Tobago
And I’ll beg for mercy, drown my pain with Hüsker Dü
I’ll make promises to never eat, if only I could poo
Now it’s really late and I can’t even snooze
And I’m split in half but have nothing to lose
Oh, nothing left to lose
My bottom half is blue
Loperamide just goes through
But I tried it
And I love tacos, but it’s the season of the shits
And I hurt myself, doubled over just like thistle
And I feel distraught, but it’s just a thunder burrito
I’ll drink peppermint ‘til these gas pains leave for Trinidad and Tobago
And I’ll beg for mercy, drown my pain with Hüsker Dü
I’ll make promises to never eat, if only I could poo
Now it’s really late and I can’t even snooze
And I’m split in half but have nothing to lose
Nothing to lose
