Do You Even
I would rather eat a bowl of dog boogers than do a group exercise class. Both my jobs are in a chair though, and to avoid rusting like a tractor in the rain I need to move a little, preferably in secret, in the dark. Normally that movement has consisted mostly of a leisurely long walk, a twice-annual dip in the ocean, and when I can narcotize my fear, a very small bike ride. I have tried the gym before and it seemed too rodent-like and lacking in birds to ever go again.
In March of last year, the government declared a hard confinement period that lasted nearly 2 months, to combat the spread of the coronavirus. My day job is roughly as essential as ironing sheets so I was (and remain) at the round table in our living room. We were not allowed to leave the house for anything other than groceries or medicine, no walks or traveling to other towns. The legal enforcement of my own personal social anxiety on a civilization-wide basis remains a little thrilling, but it also made me so sore and in need of fresh air I resorted to laying outside on a blanket, on the patio tiles, in April.
I decided to do a daily exercise video from YouTube, with the blinds drawn to the ground and a thick carpet underfoot to muffle noise. One attempt at barre and others at salsa had me in solidarity with Celeste Barber but far from anything resembling real movement, so I started doing videos that claimed to be like walking 2 or 3 or 5 miles, usually with extra embarrassing arm motions. I did the low impact aerobics and then I tried the no-equipment strength training videos, which ended me. I am not particularly strong, as it turns out. I have never been athletic or competitive in any way, but I suddenly found it galling and bothersome not to be able to complete upside-down jumping jack planks and such. I am a big broad and people ask me to do strong things for them, which is ridiculous, because I am just big.
With the extra time at home, I decided to get my hands on some weights somewhere and try this strength thing. It took until May to stumble on a place that had any dumbbells in stock, and it was not, in fact, a sporting goods store. Since then, I have done an exercise video with the dumbbells more or less weekly. I remain not-strong, but I am…better? Yes. A great deal of the repetitive stress-type discomfort I get in my wrists and neck are milder or gone, and for a little while after I swing the weights around, I feel alleviated of whatever it was. I am reaching an age at which my shit is starting to actively crumble, so being able to balance better and avoid idiopathic midnight foot cramps are appreciated. I hope to continue like this, even if my life is ruined and I have to return to the office. You should try it too.
