where does the transsexual texan go?
I scrape up cash to go to New York City each summer.
This year, I return to the highly fabled Nowadays. Willem Helf raved there. McKenzie Wark calls it Nowies. At Body Hack, I run into Honey Pluton. I watch Agnes and Charlotte scurry past me. Nea Ching is there.
Last year, Max, Gabby and I lose our Nowadays virginity. This time, Leila and Seba weave me and the Smith sisters through the sea of transes. I meet a throng of metamours. I catch wind of local grievances. I revel in the t4t grinding on the dancefloor. I’m in love.
I go to a vegan diner with Ev Jensen and spot a framed photo of Lili Elbe on the wall.
Last year, I see Theda Hammel and Macy Rodman at C’mon Everybody. I learn later on Twitter that Alex V Green was also there.
When I am in New York, I get all precious and feel like I am in the center of the trans universe.
• • •
You and I, we have read the headlines. I don’t know about you, but I quickly swipe past the bad bill alert posts. No, I will not go to the capitol this time. I did that song and dance for a few sessions. Yes, I understand why you might go. There’s dignity in fighting back despite the legal odds stacked against you. With time you will find your spirit called to the legislative battlefield time and time again, or you will not, and like me you will find other ways.
• • •
At the peak of Texas summer, I rush home, disrobe and plant myself in front of a small black fan. I air out the crevices of my soon-to-be chopped biologically male breasts. I spread my cheeks and feel relief. I am forced to shower twice a day. I meditate on the sound of the air conditioning. The rumble generates serenity inside me, unlike most things here.
• • •
Many anti-trans bills are penned in advance by a handful of far right interest groups. During public hearings, elected officials will listen to your testimony while scrolling through their phones and rolling their eyes. I wish I was exaggerating. Once testimony wraps, they’ll promptly push the bill language on to the next committee without a second thought. Maybe a trans Democratic legislator will filibuster and later be banned from the floor. Maybe a sympathetic judge will temporarily prevent a state attorney general from acting unilaterally. Litigation from the ACLU or someone else might ensue for months to prolong the inevitable. But supreme judges of this great nation are just dying (I wish) to rule out trans people as the law of the land.
• • •
I go to the Concourse Project in Southeast Austin. I suspect I am one of a handful of trans people in the packed warehouse. I enjoy my first rave sober with my best friend. I stay up until three in the morning. I feel light. Present. Spiritual.
• • •
Our numbers are growing. Much like abortion, our presence should not have to be rare in order to be safe and legal.
I don’t find highlighting hypocrisy in my ideological opponents to be materially or politically useful, but I’ll do it now anyway, as a treat.
Bari Weiss and her ilk point to social contagion as the driving force of so-called Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, claiming that the increase in people coming out as transgender—particularly as trans masculine—is a result of harmful behavioral contagion spreading rapidly through hoards of vulnerable young girls via social media.
Gay people were accused of the same social-contagion-as-harmful phenomenon in recent history. Like, very recently. Like, I remember catching wind of this theory as a child, and I am not that old. Fear over contagious homosexuality spread through the United States like a nasty cold. Worth noting that Nazis also believed young men could be infected with homosexuality.
I do not not know what known carpet muncher Bari’s relationship is to this historical information. And it doesn’t matter.
Creating social norms requires social contagion. The term itself, social contagion, generally refers to a variety of behaviors, attitudes, and emotions that ripple through populations of people. Indeed, it can take dangerous forms like Suicide Contagion. However, the contagion can be neutral or positive as well. Like yawning. Laughing. Smiling. Matching the driving speed of others. Doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Wearing a mask. Joining a social movement. Coming out of the closet because other queer people are doing so.
You know what else is a social contagion? Moral panic.
• • •
I make my way to a psychedelic fuck palace in East Austin. I join cis queers and a handful of trans people for an evening of somatic sexual ecstasy. I show up in a cheap vegan leather strap on harness and sports bra. I look forward to wearing less on these occasions.
• • •
I turned 30 this spring. Despite feeling emotionally unmoored from a painful breakup a few days beforehand, I woke up the morning of my birthday relieved. I’ve officially done my time in the trenches of youth. My adolescence and subsequent twenties were an excruciating saga in deconstructing and reconstructing the self. I confronted deep denial and grappled with the fact I was abused as a child. I accepted that I did not deserve the abuse I suffered, yet I am responsible for tending to my wounds and getting myself regulated so I can be the best person I can be in my relationships. I killed the people-pleasing careerist in my head. I endured the sudden death of someone I love dearly. I started taking my art seriously. I began transitioning. I stopped drinking.
You could not pay me enough to be younger again.
• • •
I go to a queer pool party on Memorial Day. I commiserate with other queer and trans people about the state of things. Many of us are planning our exit from this place we call home.
Where do we go from here?
Until next time.
CBR
• • •
Recommendations:
Beyond the Sad Comforts and Stale Air of Radicalism, a zine comprised of two chapters from carla bergmanand and Nick Montgomery's new book Joyful Militancy. Click here to read the full zine and here for the full book, both free.
"Rigid radicalism" is the congealed and debilitating practices that suck life and inspiration from the fight for a better world. Joyful Militancy investigates how fear, self-righteousness, and moralism infiltrate and take root within liberation movements, what to do about them, and ultimately how tenderness and vulnerability can thrive alongside fierce militant commitment.
Under Construction with Evil MoPac
The Blood for Bryan episode of Seeking Derangements feat. Theda Hammel
Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll by Eric Bogosian
Performing a citizen’s arrest on the wasp that stung my shoulder