An Ode To Alcoholism
feat. Rocky's indie sleaze era photos
tw: suicide
A few months into my bullshit PR job in Seattle, I became deeply depressed. My family was crumbling under the immense pressure of poverty, substance misuse, and interpersonal violence. I had just abruptly moved across the country and was in the thick of a painful breakup. I bid adieu to dear friends in Texas as well as my therapist who kept me afloat during an incredibly difficult chapter of my life. When I had no other coping skills in place to help me deal with significant chronic stress, it was alcohol that kept me alive.
One gloomy autumn day on the job, I was actively suicidal and was asked to cover the receptionist desk so my colleague could take her lunch break. I obliged and proceeded to draft my suicide note while greeting visitors. I researched what supplies I needed to do the deed and determined that night would be the perfect opportunity.
After work, I made a beeline to the nearby Target to grab the stuff. When you enter this Target from the lower entrance, you pass the alcohol aisles before anything else. My ears perked up as they often did when in close proximity to booze. I decided to grab a bottle of red wine as I routinely did every day after work. Riding the frenzied high of deciding to kill myself, I felt an immediate reward was in order. I snuck the bottle in my bag and rushed to the Target bathroom where I proceeded to chug at least half of it in one of the stalls. I began buzzing immediately and left the bathroom with a different perspective. The fleeting euphoria of the wine quelled the catastrophic suicidal impulse. I don’t remember the rest of that night but it did not result in me dying as planned.
There are several instances like this one peppered throughout my twelve-year tenure of drinking. Alcohol brought turmoil, sure; it brought unfettered joy as well. It enhanced positive feelings as much as it distorted negative ones. It dutifully served its purpose as a tool of pain relief, self discovery and social exploration. Alcohol helped me dance uninhibitedly for hours on end. At house parties I would wax poetic about philosophy, music, film, sex, mortality, and whatever else with fellow drunken souls late into the night. Drinking equipped me with the audacity to kiss girls as a teenager and young adult. It soothed my nervous system when I was drowning in family dysfunction, financial burdens, and PTSD.
Late nights after getting sauced in Seattle’s various dive bars, I would dance around my neighborhood with head phones blasting “Hung Up” by Madonna or the entirety of Justice’s Woman Worldwide. In Albuquerque, I’d routinely throw parties with other eggs and closeted queers and escape into a boozy ephemeral world of liberated self-expression and sexuality for the night.
If it’s not obvious, I do not believe drugs or their users are bad. Alcohol, like any other substance, is a morally neutral activity with rewards and consequences. I’ve made the decision to stop drinking because I was experiencing diminishing returns. The highs became briefer as the repercussions grew. I did not drink in moderation until the very end and even then I became unhappy with the outsized role it was playing in my life. I knew the day would come where I would become sober, and that day has arrived. I am grateful for how alcohol helped me, and I am glad to have since found new ways of being and doing.
Cheers.
• • •
I have wrapped production of my short film and am currently in the thick of post-production. I look forward to a holiday hiatus from filmmaking before diving into some projects in the works for 2023.
Long Covid continuously offers me the lesson of pacing. There is no tricking my way out of illness, only resistance to the urgency culture that is valued here in America.
Sobriety is the greatest gift I’ve offered myself. Testosterone is a close second.
Two years ago, I suddenly lost my chosen father. I still see him in the faces of others and in my dreams. His death remains incomprehensible and preposterous to me.
• • •
After writing my indie sleaze newsletter, I felt indulgent and reactivated a defunct Facebook account to unearth these gems. Enjoy.
Until next time.
CBR