Exchange, Not Extraction

I just finished my first month in my new career. I wanted a challenge. I wanted to grow. I told Lori that whatever I ended up doing, the one thing that mattered was that it be outward-facing. I'd spent too long pointed inward.

Let me tell you why that word mattered so much to me.

A few years ago, I called my best friend, one of the few people I can say hard things to out loud. I told him I'd been feeling disconnected. That I was struggling to keep relationships alive. That I was hurt nobody really reached out to me anymore.

He gave me something his dad had told him:

You don't grow fruit if you don't plant seeds. And the seeds won't grow if you don't feed and water them.

I took it to heart, because it landed as a quiet accusation. Nobody reached out to me. True. But I wasn't reaching out either. Not unless I needed something.

The Word I'd Been Avoiding

I've always thought of myself as a present, in-the-moment person. Not sentimental. More excited about tomorrow than attached to yesterday. That's the flattering version.

Here's the honest one: I'm transactional. Present-and-not-sentimental is just a nicer way to say I show up when there's something to be done and drift when there isn't. Relational people maintain the thread. Transactional people pick it up when they need it. I'd been picking it up when I needed it for years and calling myself present.

So I chose a job that would force the issue. A job where I have to pick up the phone and call people I normally wouldn't. Answer it when I normally wouldn't. That probably sounds like nothing to you. But somewhere along the way I'd quietly explained my way out of doing it, some mix of the distance (this person isn't really here with me right now) and my own transactional wiring.

The Awkward Part

Did I think I'd magically enjoy calling people the moment I started? I genuinely did.

And of course it felt awkward. Disingenuous. I felt like a fraud. I'd announced to all of social media that I was moving into sales, so what was everyone going to think when their phone rang and it was me?

Obviously I wanted something. But not the thing you'd assume.

Yes, I want to be good at this job. But what I want more is to become someone who builds and maintains relationships, not someone who surfaces when there's a deal to be had. So I didn't just call prospects. I called everyone. Old friends. People I'd let drift. People with nothing to offer me but a conversation. Just to check in.

It was weird at first. Starting is always weird. Reaching out cold, out of the blue, after too long, there's no way to make that first call smooth. But consistency is where the magic is, and it never gets consistent if you won't push through the weird part to reach it.

Exchange, Not Extraction

Here's the mantra that got me through it, and the one I say before every call now:

Exchange of value, not extraction of value.

Extraction is showing up because you need something and leaving once you've got it. It's the call you only make when the line's going one direction, toward you. People feel it instantly, because they've all been on the receiving end of it.

Exchange is the opposite posture. You go first. You serve before you ask. You bring something to the relationship before you ever take from it, and you keep bringing it whether or not there's a deal on the table. That's not a sales tactic. That's just what a real relationship is: two people supporting each other however they can, on no particular schedule.

I'm a month in, and I'm still not naturally good at this. The wiring's still there. But I've stopped mistaking transactional for present, and I've started planting seeds I won't see grow for a long time.

If you've been waiting for people to reach out to you, I'll pass along what my friend passed to me. Check who's been doing the watering. It might be nobody. It might be that the move isn't to wait for the fruit. It's to go plant something.

Who have you been meaning to call? Stop reading and go call them. Then hit reply and tell me how it went.

— Ricky