Good Morning. Hello. How are you? #1528
Midlife crisis shit, griping about allergists and dermatologists, they'll send me to the gulag eventually, gastr del sol, dreams of getting onto Ghost
Good morning, good morning. Hi. How are you? Mid week? Finding this week acceptable so far? It has been a rough one for me. But things usually turn around on Wednesday, so let us keep an optimistic mind. Been having a bit of a mid-life crisis lately, I think. Running out of time on this planet, running out of energy. Nothing will come of any of my endeavors, my pursuits. I will die without another big win. It’s interesting, though. I have gotten to the point where I don’t let those feelings dictate my actions: I am going to go to the grave trying to do interesting new stuff whether or not anyone ever cares about any of it. But the feelings still sting.
I also have had a revelation that not only is the current political environment lowering my baseline mood like 20, 30% at least, easy. But also my subconscious is basically convinced I will, ultimately, end up in some sort of gulag because I cannot shut up and I cannot stop my empathy-borne actions, and eventually they will get petty enough that people operating at my level will be intolerable. Seems inevitable, really. Or, I suppose, good news: I will sell out my entire moral code to save my family and die the shell of a man. These seem to be the only two paths.
I know, rationally, that these are not the only two paths. That these people are beatable and that this (probably) cannot last forever. But my subconscious is choosing to hear none of that. My hope is forced, it is dictated, it is not deeply felt.
Anyway, it’s hard to live joyously when you think you’re going to end up in a gulag, I am finding.
Also I would like to apologize for really phoning in GMHHAY this week. This is sad to me. I mean, thank god for some interesting dreams and a hilarious Wegovy anecdote because, man, not my finest work this week otherwise.
Just know that the GMHHAYs written in my head as I am falling asleep are always about 50% better.
Boy I am in a pickle when it comes to some unspecified future retirement: either the GMHHAY’s get better, in which case I have been half-assing it for years, the very foundation of the entire artistic endeavor called into question, or they don’t, which I guess just means this is about the best writing I am capable of. Lose-lose.
All right now that we’ve gotten a nice bout of moping out of the way.
Join the GMHHAY slack! Reply to this email and ask for an invite if you’re a human who likes chatting with other humans about topics such as these within!
We are listening this morning to… well, it just finished but I think I will give side C one more listen. Gastr Del Sol’s Upgrade and Afterlife. Chicago post-rock from the 90’s, the two main members being Jim O’Rourke (later inexplicably of Sonic Youth) and David Grubbs. Originally also included John McEntire and Bundy K Brown of Tortoise, but they left before this album. Saw them once at TT The Bear’s with the legendary Tony Conrad opening and it was hands down one of the greatest shows of my life. They have been re-issuing all of their albums on vinyl, along with a box set of live stuff, b-sides, etc. I have been buying them all, under the twisted logic that the project started prior to my new year’s resolution this year therefore it was grandfathered in. Their reissue campaign is just wrapping up, as they announced yesterday the vinyl re-issue of their debut album, The Serpentine Similar, which does include John and Bundy. Purchased it last night. This will complete my Gastr Del Sol discography after, oh, 30 years or so, so I am pretty chuffed about that.
Went to the dermatologist yesterday and the bloom is off that rose, lemme tell ya. To recap, went about a month ago, got two things removed from my body that have bugging me my entire life, the doc was really nice, the whole experience lovely. Really into doctors who do a bunch of elective procedures not covered by insurance, as they are by their very nature less gruff, more empathatic. Sure it’s all a sales act, but I’ll take it.
Alas this time, not so great. Absolutely packed waiting room. Made me wait for 29 minutes. I do not, as a rule, wait for more than 30 minutes late for any appointment, ever, no matter the circumstances. So I was grearing up to leave when I got called in and let me tell you: hard to talk yourself back down from that. But I did it, met with the nurse, and she deposited me in a patient room for another 20 minutes so, you know: 50 minutes total before I saw the doc. I had never encountered this technicality before on my 30-minute rule and did not know how to handle it. So I just sat there.
Then the doc couldn’t solve my problem. I don’t think. We don’t know. Which is, you know, a bummer. Might have to go to a hand doctor. Which I need to do anyway but I am avoiding because she’s gonna make me have surgery. Different problem.
I was so verklempt over the whole thing I didn’t even have her look at my other problem area, two skin tags I want removed. I had gotten swept up in “dermatologists are awesome” fever and had visions of removing everything off my body I didn’t like. Like some version of Boxing Helena. Cut cut cut. But I guess you can rest easy cuz the fever is broken.
I got home and tried to make myself feel better by working on my AI book, but my finger was numb, which I was expecting, but I was not expecting how utterly incapable of typing I was without my right middle finger. Always thought I was a four-finger typist: thumb and index, each hand. Turns out I am at least a five-finger typist because it was absolutely impossible with a numb middle finger.
So, you know, another day of failing to deliver upon my artistic pursuits, which, as you know, as an artist is the fucking worst.
I did spend like three hours reading Reddit, though, so, you know. Productive.
While I am bitching about doctors can I bitch about my allergist? Well, not my allergist but his clinic and nursing staff. The people who make my allergy drops. They have the worst customer service, they drive me crazy. YOU have to call THEM to order more drops, every time you run out. No auto-refill. Your call goes to voice mail. Always. Then they call you back, at their leisure, and you have to answer when they call or you won’t get your drops. They only mix on Fridays, and you cannot pick up on Friday you gotta wait till Monday. And if Friday is a holiday, such as last week, they do not mix the day before, no, they just skip it entirely for that week.
I have been doing this for like ten years now and I am so sick of it. I am 90% confident these drops can be made somewhere else, that there is a competition in the world from other drop-makers and I can, just, stop this shit? But I am utterly unsure how to do this. I found this site, which seems to be something similar, but a) I am not sure they are, and b) I would need to get my exact mix/prescription/whatever from my doctor to obtain the drops elsewhere and this is obviously one of those eye-doctors-plus-opticians situations where even if they are supposed to do that, they really don’t want to and are banking on your ignorance and boy is that working right now. I hate it. I want out.
I suppose the odds are very slim any of you have been in this situation and broken free, but you guys are a resourceful lot, my readership, so mayhaps one of you has some advice. Help me, please. Free me from the allergist’s nurses’ tyranny.
While I am hitting my readership up for help (it’s the best, everyone should have a GMHHAY), if any of you want to help me move GMHHAY to Ghost onto either a QNAP NAS or a Mac, drop a line, because I like Buttondown just fine but I like the idea of hosting this stuff myself a lot more. I’ve poked around and I think I COULD do it myself, but it also seems like a total time sink for someone with my skill level at the command line and linux. I would even pay you, because what’s better than dumping your free cash into your art.
Jane didn’t want to go to the playground last night, was super mean to us, just nagging us and whining the whole time we ate dinner and stopped at Lowe’s Hardware to buy Emma a chainsaw chain. Would not stop repeating herself. Refused to participate in actual conversations. Emma intuited something had gone wrong at camp yesterday, which she did not deny, but would not elaborate upon. I tried again this morning as we were eating breakfast before camp and she confirmed something happened, would not elaborate at all, did not want to tell us about it, which makes me so sad, like a failure of a parent. She did tell me she was over it and it was not bothering her anymore, and I said okay and that she could always talk to us about these things and yes daddy gets upset sometimes but have you noticed he never gets upset about things you do outside the family? Nothing you do at school will make me upset I said.
I mostly even meant it!
Got a covers playlist for you today. Everyone loves a covers playlist.
All right, time to go deal with my actual job. My daily missive to the employees (man I write so many daily missives) is ten minutes late! Gotta go!
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Thanks for reading.
And hey! Maybe buy one of my books!
Good Morning, Hello, How Are You vol 1.