Good Morning. Hello. How are you? #1396
A Christmas list of almost useless, but shockingly useful things that I bought, mostly imported from China, mostly purchased on Amazon or from a social media ad, mostly with made-up brand names.
Good morning. Hello. I am so tired. Went and saw Ride last night, with a pretty good, yet unfortunately named band called Rocket opening. I am so tired. Oh wait I already said that.
But luckily, I wrote today’s edition yesterday! Woo! One less thing to do today. Here you go:
A Christmas list of almost useless, but shockingly useful things that I bought, mostly imported from China, mostly purchased on Amazon or from a social media ad, mostly with made-up brand names.
When I say I am having trouble getting off of Amazon completely, it’s usually because of this sort of stuff.
Heated Slippers. My specific pair are so no-brand-name they’re not even for sale anymore, but they rule and make my life so much better. Brand name: VEEOOL Brand Fakeness level: 10.
This Phone case. Looks cool, has a ring, the ring twirls all the way around, you can charge your phone via MagSafe without taking the case off, comes in black. Ticks all the boxes. “Beyond original style.” Phone cases look dumb but this new school of metal, sort-of cages that aren’t full cases? Much better. Brand name: SKY CASE: Brand Fakeness level: 7.
These Shelf Hooks - You put a hook. At the end of a shelf. Why is this not the biggest thing in the world? Why is there only this one non-brand, ZOLUNO making them? I have bought like two dozen of these things this year, they are so insanely useful. Hang things! From your shelves! Brand name: ZOLUNO. Brand Fakeness level: 10.
These cheap-ass speaker holders: Put your Homepod Mini on the wall. Wrap up the cable. Plug it right into the outlet, looks nice, works. Brand name: PLUS ACC. Brand Fakeness level: 10.
This rock-solid bridge between Airplay and your speakers: Seriously, HomePod Minis kinda suck, they disconnect like once every three times and often don’t work. But this little doohicky? Never fails. Connect your regular amp or speakers to your Airplay with this sort-of cheap widget. Brand name: WIIIM, though I gotta say I am coming to respect this fake brand. Brand Fakeness level: 5.
This expandable workbench table. God I held off on buying this thing for so long but eventually I couldn’t help myself and my only regret is I did not splurge for the bigger one. I use it for tracksawing but you can use it for anything. I mean, you’d need a tabletop. I suppose that is a blocker for many applications. But I love it. And I feel a little spark of joy every time I expand it out. Brand name: BORA. Although… They also make these rock-solid wood storage racks, so maybe they are a real company. Brand Fakeness level: 4.
Electric Screwdriver: A channel that tests tools tested all the electric screwdrivers and this very cheap one was best. Then another channel did the same and this one won there as well. And then I bought one. And it broke instantly. But then I returned it and got a second one, and it is awesome. Now I own three. Brand name: AMAZON Brand Fakeness level: 10.
This Bamboo Wok Brush: OMG this thing was completely life changing. It works SO WELL. No other scraper, ever, has worked this well. I cannot convey the brilliance. Why are all scrapers not made of bamboo? Why do we make them out of plastic. There oughtta be a law. Fake brand name: SUNRISE. Plus! It’s little cousin! This one is prone to the splaying out of its bristles but is still better than, mmm, 89% of all scrub brushes you can buy cheap. FBrand name: SUBEKU Brand Fakeness level: 10.
This Paint Sprayer Booth: I mean, do you need it? No. But how many times have you painted something and gotten it everywhere? A spray booth! So professional! And pretty cheap! And it folds up and you can store it in a bin or something. I love it. Brand name:SIEBWIN. Brand Fakeness level: 10.
This Bucket Caddy: I tried to buy an American Made one of these from a retail outlet it cost $200 and after ten weeks they told me they could not obtain it, so. $69 on Amazon. Look, you are getting old. Your arms and/or shoulders hurt. You should not be carrying 5 gallon buckets anymore. CADDY IT. Fake brand name: UMBRO. Brand Fakeness level: 6.
These mini helical piles: Did you know you can mount a 4×4 pole without concrete? I mean, assuming you don’t want to put more than, eh, 20 pounds on it? Screw a giant screw into the ground! Comes with a free shiny piece of rebar. Feels like the whole thing is a made-up excuse to sell small pieces of rebar, but they are actually insanely useful. Once you use one, you will think of many applications. Unless you live in the city, and then, yeah. Maybe not. Brand Name: MAYNE. Brand Fakeness level: 10.
These awesome buttons you stick on screens to make a button out of them. These things are amazing. They solve very specific problems. Want your phone screen to be more like a game controller? Does that. Have a very specific type of screen in your car that you wish had a button on it, and the UX designers at least had the courtesy to keep the fake button in the same place? USE THESE. You will love it. It is amazing. Brane name: SJLCYZS. Brand Fakeness Level: 1,000.
These cafeteria trays from your childhood: Look. You probably need a tray for something: putting under plants, feeding your toddler. Eating another unneeded bowl of nachos while watching 30 Rock. Again. Why not hit a very specific spot in your childhood nostalgia (assuming are over… mmm… gonna say 43 ish) and use one of these once-ubiquitous-but-now-rarely-seen cafeteria trays. Bonus: comes in a zillion colors so you can get the same color you had in elementary school. Brand name: Carlisle. Brand Fakeness Level: 2.5.
A wire basket to hang in your shower. Your wife will probably steal it and fill it with six shampoos. but that’s okay. Whole point is they’re cheap. Buy second one. She can’t fill them ALL up. And that’s the genius of it: it is a two-pack. Brand name: LUANT. Brand Fakeness Level: 9.
This little dongle to plug your computer into your car computer so they can talk to each other. If you have a Ford, you want to use Forscan (such a great name). But other cars have other apps. You can turn off the seatbelt alarm! Which, you know, probably not a great idea but also… kind of a good idea? You can tweak a lot of other stuff too. Anyway, it’s kind of a pain but not that much of a pain, just follow the steps on a youtube video then be sure to drop into conversation with all your friends that you “hacked your car” and they will think you’re so badass. Brand name: ODBLink. Brand Fakeness Level: 5.
This trencher. I mean, you probably don’t want this but three of you asked because of yesterdays’ edition, so here it is. Brand name: BULLY TOOLS. Brand Fakeness Level: 2.
Best Utility Knife: This is it. I have tried like a hundred. Ergonomic, indestructible. Replace the blade quickly without any fussy clips or screws. I own like ten of them now. I mean, look. If you wanna go posh or tactical or aggro, you can buy this sweet limited edition $100 blade frame from famed anonymous Canadian convoy-sympathetic tool Youtuber AvE. Not saying I didn’t. But in the end, the $14 Amazon one wins. There is one almost like it at Lowe’s, but don’t get fooled, it is a worse version. Not sure about Home Depot but honestly are you really better off buying something from them? Remember. XH-1. Gotta be the XH-1. Don’t settle for anything else. Brand name: ULFA. Brand Fakeness Level: 8.
These goth Japanese Cutting Pliers: This Youtube channel I love methodically tested a zillion different pairs of cutting pliers. These didn’t win overall, a sweet pair by Knipex did. But this pair won in a unique category: closest cut to the surface. They are insanely useful. And I love the japanese design and forged metal can’t go wrong. Real brand name: WAZAKURA. Brand Fakeness level: Unknown. Four?
Also these Japanese Pruning Shears: have bought two pairs of these now and they really make you feel way more elegant while pruning your plants than all the American plastic garbage. Just beautiful. Real brand name: TOBIZUKA. Brand Fakeness level: Unknown. Four?
This garden cart, in whatever size strikes your fancy: Bought one for the main house, Emma immediately stole it, filled it with stuff, and now it just sits in the garage holding stuff. Bought another one for Chore House and it gets used. I love it. Like I said, getting old, muscles, etc. Old people need to have lots of things that carry shit for them, and this is an archetypical perfect carry-shit-for-me item. Real brand name: GORILLA. Brand Fakeness level: 2.
These little round Westin Soaps: Little hotel soaps. I don’t know what it is. I do love my exotically scented foaming bacterial soaps, but I hate the plastic and I dunno, these just. They make me happy. Also you can buy these concrete round soap dishes that are just perfect for them, from a company I once purchased an exact replica of a Banana made out of concrete. Great company. Soaps brand name: WESTIN. Soaps Brand Fakeness Level: 0. Soap Dish Brand Name: Pretti.Cool. Soap Dish Brand Fakeness Level: 3.
Chomps Pepperoni Seasoned Turkey Snack Sticks: I don’t know, man. I don’t know what the deal is. They’re processed meat, they’re gonna kill me. Yeah, they’re turkey but a) so what, b) they’re pepperoni flavored turkey wtf is that, and c) they’re still in a beef (lemme look this up) “collagen casing.” Ew. They lost a little of their luster once they started advertising on my beloved home improvement Youtubers, give it an AG1 vibe. But.. yeah. BUT — and this is important — you get to shout out “CHOMPS!” to yourself every time you open one. That alone makes it all worth it. Brand name: CHOMPS. Brand fakeness level: 3.
Camel City Socks: Longtime GMHHAY readers know that my feet are always cold and I don’t love wool. But I want warm socks. These socks are made in NC and are the best so far for keeping my feet warm and not itchy. But they are expensive. Which bums me out. But they last forever and I just remind myself some bros out in Winston-Salem are making them and then I don’t mind so much. I do not know why they are called Camel City. I am unaware of any connection between Winston-Salem and Camels but, you know. What the hell is a Tar Heel anyway? Who knows. Brand name: CAMEL CITY. Brand Fakeness Level: 1.
This Wok Induction Cooktop: Is it expensive? Yes. Is it necessary? No. Is it awesome? Yes. Did I burn the first one on the bottom because I forgot I was using it and turned on the stove burner, on which it sat, instead? yeah but I got used to it and it is really great and now I don’t have to use gas to stir fry and it gives really great, fast, even heat. Love it. Fake brand name: ABANGDUN, which sounds sorta like Morgoth’s fortress so that is a plus. Brand Fakeness level: 8.
Since we’re doing the holiday stuff today, here is my solo Christmas song, the single greatest Christmas song ever made. Recorded on Thanksgiving 1999. It really deserves to be a hit. I will never give up on it.
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Thanks for reading.
And hey! Maybe buy one of my books!
Good Morning, Hello, How Are You vol 1.