i didn't always understand that thing about the sun—that i, you know, needed it. even by the mid-2000s i sill didn’t have experience with seasons. i mean this sincerely: i simply had too many southern and tropical years under my belt. growing up in louisiana and florida, the weather was something we talked about, a switch between between how hot and how dangerous. i grew up watching river levels for floods and tropical storm patterns for hurricanes and trees that oscillated only between browns and greens.

thirteen winters after moving to the pacific northwest, i am finally understanding the snowbird’s mentality. what i didn’t know about the thing i craved—cold weather, moody atmospheres, snappy outerwear—was that grey gloom would be an unrelenting shade of off-white matte plastic. that it would somehow be fog without being fog. that the sun would be something that sits above a thick blanket of clouds, which you could only see after your plane ascends. i now understand this.

a few weeks ago a friend wrote, “It already feels like it’s going to be a long spring.” on the same day another said, “ I hate february and alllllwaaayyyyys have.” one lives in florida and the other lives in oregon; you probably can guess who’s who.

—

i’ve been learning how to do all the winter things, though. things like how to get firewood delivered to your door. how to light a fire. how to layer. what grow lights are good for indoor plants. how to make and freeze batches of soups. which supplements and vitamins are “the good ones.” which moisturizers make you feel human again. how to get a little exercise without leaving the house. how to get food without leaving the house. how to talk to people without leaving the house. how to settle for light therapy when you can’t get the real thing.

so i bought a seasonal affective disorder “light therapy” lamp. folks, if you need a winter boost of energy, you could either buy a light therapy lamp, or read the reviews for SAD light therapy lamps [sic]:

1. 4.0 Stars Reviewed in the United States on January 10: No complaints from me. It's not cocaine or anything! 

2. 5.0 Stars Reviewed in the United States on February 10: I've suffered from winter blues for 50 years. I have to double up on my Effexor, just to get through the day. I know its the short days ,and lack of sunlight that causes the problem. I've read about SAD syndrome,and decided I needed to try light therapy, I've tried everything else. I'm cheap, so that's a problem, all these therapy lights are expensive. I saw the reviews on the Happy light, and thought for 32 dollars , it was worth a try. It WORKS!!! I set up the light on my bedside table , right next to my head. I wake up, and switch the light on, without looking directly into it. I then proceed to stretch out my legs , and arms, all the while laying by the light. I do this for about 20 minutes. I don't know if its the light, or the calm 20 minutes, or a combination of both, BUT, within two days I started feeling like my old self, as if it was the middle of the summer. Friends have noticed my calmness, and I feel alert, like I got 12 hours sleep. My wife noticed the difference, and has started borrowing my light, I'm going to have to get her one for Valentines day. One other thing. I've been married forever, so intimacy is not on top of my wifes to do list. Especially after her Hysterectomy. Without getting to personal, somehow we got together Sunday, and she Noticed a difference afterwards. Is this light better than Viagra? I don't know, but I cannot tell enough people about this product. BUY IT.

(full transparency: i did both.)

—

it’s around this time of year that i also ask: when will this end? not because i want it to be summer, but because i forget how damn weird we all get at the end of winter. sometimes i get to february and have kinda forgotten how everything works—including just like, the world. the sun comes out for an afternoon and it’s like everyone else is on ecstasy and i am a victorian spinster who would never dare expose my ankles in public. then in march, i get a little manic, do a little yard work, and prematurely drink rosé like it’s a toast!!! but JK JK. whatever sun we get in early spring isn’t permanent; there will be months of grey skies to come. we portlanders tend to agree that the rainy season doesn’t stop until the 4th of july, anyway. if you need me i’ll be standing next to my light therapy lamp until memorial day.

—

what i’ve learned recently: it’s really crucial for me to travel in search of warmth and sunshine during wintertime. so whereas my favorite travel is to far-away places with culture and art, the reality and necessity of winter travel is a completely different beast. i seek out idyllic postcard scenes like palm trees and bright clear skies over beaches or the desert. i pack tank tops and swimsuits and sunscreen and hats with stupid big brims. y’all: i never thought this would happen. who am i?

so now every few weeks during winter, we search for places that are warm and bright for weekend getaways. last month, we went to palm springs for the first time with the cutest humans, and we all daydreamed about wintering there as snowbirds.

i thought i hated the sun but i’m just an animal who needs it. i now understand this.

as ever,

rhienna