“And being clever never got me very far / Because it's all in my head /And "You're too sensitive", they said.
— Florence and the Machine

DEAR DEARS,

Olivia got me hooked on the most inane phone game. It’s called Forest Island and all I do is tend to the animals, clean up the island, capture hearts and level up. There is no strategy or enemies. Just bouncing foxes and raccoons. And yet! As I am tapping on hearts and rubbing an egg to make it hatch faster, I wonder why I am so addicted to this game. It’s pointless and it’s asking me to tend, to mind the animals, take care of things.

And listener, I am so tired of tending. Tending to animals, on screen and in my house, to the garden, to the menu, to the chores, to the errands, to bills and doctors and emails. To the anxiety of the future. To my dearest family. To my grief. To my body. 

DEFINE TEND

Tend as a transitive verb means: a : to apply oneself to the care of : watch over

as in apply ice packs, drive to and fro, think of a dinner menu, ensure meds are taken, brush my teeth

b: to have or take charge of as a caretaker or overseer

as in take out the recycling, clean the catbox, empty the fridge of the dying vegetables, 

c: cultivate, foster

as in: plan events, write emails, remember permission slips, calendar the mechanics of life

d: to manage the operations of : mind

tend the body
tend the fire

And the archaic definition is to attend as a servant. 

It’s exhausting. And while this may just be the horror of the back-to-school transition, I feel it in my bones. There is so much calling for my attention and the guilt to which I feel in ignoring or not tending to it is immense. 

My mind doesn’t filter anything out and I remember EVERYTHING so I am always processing what has happened. Sometimes it’s hard to process what’s happening in front of me, the emotional impacts of what’s happening, where the conversation brings me (as we experience the world and converse in it almost as two separate timelines), and where we will be going next, as well as the banal things like sounds, sights, smells. 

When I get to a quiet place, I might process what has happened or I might have crazy dreams that stir up everything and make me have to do double-processing-duty. So the safest thing for me is to read. Curl up in a bed and read a cozy book, where everything is resolved and people may have trouble but at the end, they solve the crime or find love or both. It should be noted of course that if I consume too much media, like if I watch Ted Lasso and Supergirl and also read a book and listen to a podcast, I will have that much more to think about. Why should I muse on Ted Lasso? Why do I care what Roy does? I don’t know – but they’re all there in my mind, shuffling for attention.

Gardening is perhaps the one place where the only thing I think about is the next weed to pull, or where to put the mulch. It is a physical exercise and has that added benefit. 

I did learn of another definition. I have researched it and as far as I can tell, it is used in NZ in disability circles. While I can’t speak to how it came about, it is the most soothing definition I can find.

Takiwātanga is a Māori term used in Aotearoa (New Zealand) to describe autism." It is translated as “in one’s own time and space,” offering a relational, non-deficit way of understanding Autistic experience.

Takiwātanga emphasizes difference in pacing, attention, and how someone moves through the world. It captures the sense of being oriented to one’s own rhythms, interests, and ways of processing.

It’s a beautiful concept and I am forever fighting against capitalism’s time and space. Just leave me alone.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Tonight, Kimiko Hahn is our poet of the month. Come chat with me about poems at the Maynard Public Library. 

If you are in Boston, check out plus or minus at the Lily Pad on Friday. I can’t go because I’ll be at pep band watching Olivia conduct.

On October 17, I will be reading as part of the Poe in Lowell Festival. Happening at the Dragonfly, the theme is A Dream Within A Dream. Come check it out!

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE

So for real, if I owe you an email or a response or a text or anything, I am sorry. It’s hard to take in new information when I am still getting adjusted to all the current information. I admit to having trouble and I have to wait it out. And this shitstorm of a government isn’t making it any easier. It’s truly amazing that I get anything done. 

Because I now have phrases like, “We did not want to punish victims of bestiality” in my head.

I had to read that. By gosh what are we doing?

With love and all that,

Becca