Is finding balance possible or just another toxic endeavour?

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I hear people talk about balance a lot - about ‘finding balance’, about being in balance, about keeping everything balanced. I hear it written about here on Substack, I see reels and images and stories all over social media, there are entire self development courses created in its honour and I’ve got to ask - is this the next impossible thing we need to throw in the bin after perfectionism?

Nothing in life is balanced. Ever.

Perhaps if we are viewing it from far away - in this instance sure, a wobbly line can easily look like a straight one - but not if we get right up close. Not if we begin to look at the tiny parts of it, the nuts and the bolts in the way we do with our own everyday and our own lives. Sure, if we zoom out, we have a regular, balanced body temperature, we have a regular eating pattern and perhaps even a pretty solid weekly routine - maybe even a pretty balanced mood (no? this is not actually possible, is it?)

But from moment to moment these things are actually fluctuating constantly (particularly if you have a menstrual cycle).

Constantly falling away from the middle and then coming back to center.

In biology, we know this process as homeostasis.

In my doctoral research, I look at the phosphorylation of a specific protein - you don’t really need to know the details, though this paper here gives you the background if you fancy. All you really need to know is that, when the protein is phosphorylated, it is active, turned on, doing its job, responding to stress - and when it’s not phosphorylated, it’s turned off.

If we zoom out of this work, if we’re being really general, then we can say that when the protein is ‘on’, the cell is responding to stress and when it is ‘off’, the cell is happy and not stressed. When we talk about it this way, we can think that the end goal here is for the system to be ‘off’ at all times, for the cell never to be stressed. I think this is what we aim for when we talk about ‘finding balance’ in our own lives - to live in a way that means we are at peace and calm at all times.

When I read peoples words on balance, when I think about it in reference to my own life, I feel like I am failing when I shout or when I struggle or when I have a hard day. When I need to take a break or rest - that need somehow showing my failure. Like an impossible tightrope that you must never fall off of. We must constantly be trying to keep our stress processes turned off, our nervous systems beautifully well regulated.

It’s not that I think the above definition is wrong, or that I don’t believe it is possible. It’s more that, when we think about ‘balance’ as above, we see it as an end goal, as something we are constantly working towards. And I actually think that this makes it harder for us - or at least me - to accept and honour the natural ebbs and flows of life.

See back to the science - I can look at how much of my protein is phosphorylated - how much of it is ‘on’ - and how much of it is ‘off’, by doing fancy molecular techniques (it’s not as fancy or clever as it sounds really). I can see those levels and I can make inferences about the cells level of stress - I can come to conclusions about what it needs to be happier and healthier maybe.

But see, I’m only doing that for one specific snapshot, one moment in time.

I’m simply looking at a still picture of a moving process that is actually incredibly dynamic.

And when I do that, I lose some of the nuance, some of the details. The protein is never fully ‘on’ and nor is it ever fully ‘off’ - it is a constant moving and shifting between the two states. The cell needs to do that to be able to respond to shifts in a changing external environment. It needs to do that to be able to survive.

And that whole process is homeostasis.

And there is nothing wrong with the cell - the cell has done nothing wrong - whether at one particular moment in time the levels of ‘on’ protein are either very high or very low. It is all perfectly normal. It is all perfectly safe.

To bring this back to the room we’re sitting in together just now - what this means is, it’s okay not to be in constant ‘balance’. It’s safe to go to that event or to do that thing. To stay up late and skip tomorrow’s workout. To work hard on a project you’re passionate about and miss a few social events in turn. Or, conversely, to let work and career slide for a period whilst you focus on caring for a young family or a sick loved one.

Whatever it may be - whatever it is that’s fun or life enhancing or joyful or important but that might also leave you feeling exhausted afterwards. It’s okay. You maybe just need to plan in a slow week after, to sleep or recover or to bring yourself back from that extreme over to the other side of slow and calm and relaxed.

Going off center. Coming back to center. Homeostasis.

Actually giving yourself the time to come back to center though - that is the real challenge and I think this is really what we’re all talking about when we say we want to ‘find more balance’.

We don’t want to be constantly ‘on’ all of the time.

And that’s a justified thing to feel. It is hard to find time to let the pendulum swing the other way. To swing back toward restful ease.

And trying to build more of that into your life is admiral and important.

But don’t let it be at the expense of your joy.

Don’t let it make you scared to feel and experience all of the wonderful and magical things that will push you over into the ‘on’ state.

And so this is what I have decided to aim for in my life. Not tiptoeing precariously across a balance beam - where falling off feels dangerous and anything but being in the center feels bad. But rather swinging on a pendulum - constantly going from one side to the other side with the net result being contentment.

Homeostasis not balance.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

Till next week,

P.S. I’d love to know what you think and how it lands with you in your life - perhaps in the comments?

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