Since puberty, I’ve been diligently scrutinizing myself for all my wrongs (real or perceived otherwise). My main method of torture was journaling1, where I took great lengths in highlighting each mistake until I remember it all. While my short-term memory is bullshit, the long-term impact is … definitely there.

Those past years almost felt like a blur. Turns out I was just repressing myself!

I started reading The Artist Way this year, and it felt like I was facing the rubble that covered the surface of my repressed memories. A part of me felt like … maybe I can explore it this time? Then the opportunity presented itself.

Last May, I saw crayonsprout’s reel for an art trend on IG. It was earnest, fun, AND low-stakes. I considered making my own version.

So I went and did just that!

The sketch (1.0)

At the get-go, I knew that I wanted an imagery of me coming out of my previous “shells”, similar to an insect molting out of its old skin.

I quickly stumbled into my first roadblock: clothes. Should I incorporate the clothes as part of the old skin??? Wouldn’t it look weird??? Turns out there was a simple solution to my problem.

Now THIS I fell in love with. The old skin’s transparency! The glow of the new self! The cracks! Using the color green for the first time! I hardly use green in my art!

At some point, I felt hesitant to go with this idea for fear of being "too weird" or "too out there." Most of the works in the art trend feature a slice-of-life vibe, and this doesn’t seem to fit that vibe. Then I stopped myself.

So what if mine is different from what's usually shown? This is what feels most authentic to me! And so I proceeded.

Thumbnails

Since I was initially inspired by the art trend’s format, I started from there. The art trend features self-portraits from childhood to your current self to the beat of Billie Eilish’s song, Skinny. It consists of 5-6 parts (depending on how you interpret the last line), which focuses on these lines from the song:

But the old me is still me

And maybe the real me

And I think she’s pretty

I decided to go for 6 parts, with each line representing the following stages:

• But the old me = Toddler

• Is still me = Childhood

• And maybe = Adolescence

• The real me = Pre-college

• And I think = College

• She’s pretty = Young adulthood

But something about drawing each part in isolation felt…disconnected to me. “It’s just a fun little art trend!” you might say. “You don’t have to take it seriously!”

Well, I want to take this seriously! I pinpointed the source of the disconnection from not viewing the piece as a whole. The lives I’ve lived did not happen in isolation; they affected me throughout the years, in both good and bad, and will continue to affect me as I navigate my life.

Anyway I decided to make a full illustration out of it.

From this point, it was just a matter of combining this composition with the colors from the previous digital sketch!

The sketch (2.0)

Now that I’m content with the overall direction, it was time to go down into business: sketching (for the second time).

I used to take sketching for granted. I thought that I’d “fix my mistakes” or “clarify the details” during the lineart phase (my most beloved). What actually ends up happening is that I use up more time than necessary just to fix said mistakes.

Not worth it! So now sketching takes up 80% of my drawing process. I thank myself every time.

I had a general idea for each pose, but I struggled with the proportions. That led me to these “failed” sketches. They’re helpful in practice: I get to see what was working and what didn’t before moving on.

It’s always a joyous occasion when I can finally move on to adding the details!

It’s my first time making a piece this personal! Which is strange considering that I make autobio comics, but I guess they never felt this vulnerable.

Each "self” represents me at a certain point in my life: from kindergarten to adolescence to young adulthood. The broken areas are parts of myself that I’ve "lost” during those years. It was important for me to highlight that, as a way of actually acknowledging the pain after spending years shaming myself for it.

• Turned my back on the bubbly, energetic, curious 5-year-old self

• In pursuit of academic achievement, lost my love for drawing at 10 years old

• Harbored intense loathing towards the body I have at 13

• Boiling point for all that self-loathing peaking at 19

• Trying again at 21, cautiously

• Looking forward at 25, apprehensive but also hopeful

I won’t share all the nitty gritty details, but the 4th self represents the time when I felt like I couldn’t go on any further. Now I’m still here!

The lineart

If there’s only one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I love inking!!!!!!! I’d say both traditionally and digitally, but my line control in analog has been a bit shaky lately. To make myself feel less sad about that, I’ve been leaning more towards brushes with uneven textures. Now my shaky lines are part of the charm!

I use the Jittery Inker from True Grit Texture Supply.

It’s usually a straightforward process for me, but I try not to be too precise with following the sketch. There’s always room to change things.

The colors

Every once in a while during the lineart phase, I sneak in the colors. Just to see what I’m getting into. Bracing myself for the battle. Coloring usually brings out the most primal fear in me, but with this piece, it somehow ended up being smooth-sailing. A miracle!

With a simple background, it was important to me that the colors help bring the piece together. I want all the bodies to glow, but with the broken “shells” noticeably fainter (and fading). They’re not as intense, as those moments are long behind me.

But I want the broken areas to stand out as well. The hurt is still there. I never let myself truly grieve.

Now, technically, I’d considered this done. But I was unsatisfied, for whatever reason. Reasons that I figured out only after I allowed myself to go to sleep.

In the morning, I realized that my dissatisfaction was due to:

• NOT ENOUGH GLOW, and

• NOT ENOUGH YELLOW

With that informative piece of feedback in mind, I went back to it a day later. And boy, was I glad that I did! Now I can finally give you …

THE REVEAL

With most of the details refined, it was time for me to use a good ol’ chromatic aberration effect2. Played around with the opacity and layer modes, and voila! Now this I consider done.

I’m pretty happy with it! After I told myself to stop tweaking it after opening the file for the 4th time. No more tweaking.

I may have gotten a bit mushy while making this piece. It’s my first time drawing myself with this much … care? Gentleness? It feels surreal, but it is not unwelcome. I’d like to carry this feeling with me whenever I can. I hope to bring it forward to my future self as well. She deserves it.

This might be a lot for a first post lmao, but it won’t always be this serious. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!