I'm Not Hungry Anymore
I had to have emergency gastrointestinal surgery back in September, and had to switch to a vegan diet during recovery. I’ve decided to stay vegan, and have been enjoying learning new ways to cook and eat. I don’t miss meat and dairy as much as I thought I would. My doctor is very pleased.
One thing that gets me about eating vegan, though, is how it’s almost impossible to feel satisfied. The emotional quality of satisfaction of a meal well-dined. As someone who has spent a lifetime overeating, chasing that feeling of chemically-triggered happiness long after my stomach was full, this good thing. I need not lean on my dinner plate for mood regulation. I can’t be satisfied after eating vegan food, but I can not be hungry anymore. And isn’t that the most important thing?
It’s like being trans, in a way.
There is a hunger to being trans. To being given a body that, for whatever reason, doesn’t click with who you are. A primal desire with you for something that you need, you don’t why, you just need it. Not having it makes you sadder than anything else in the world, weighted down by a need you can’t explain. Once you name it, and take your first steps toward aligning your body with your head and your heart, the euphoria is immense. Like eating a banquet after starving for your entire life.
I am no longer hungry when I look in the mirror. I’ve been at this for nearly a decade, and it feels right in a way that nothing did before I started. HRT has been good to me, giving me a body and a face that feels more correct, more accurate to who I am. I’m not hungry, but I’m also not satisfied.
I might be, one day. Surgery can do miracles, as some of my trans friends can attest to. I don’t know if they’re satisfied, though. Maybe none of us can be. Maybe no one is.
When I was a child, I would eat until I was physically uncomfortable, desperately savoring the endorphins that came with each mouthful fully aware they would dissipate with each swallow. I was so hungry then. No amount of food could sate me. Because it wasn’t food I was hungry for.
I’m not hungry anymore. Which is the important thing.
While we’re on the subject of the importance of gender-affirming care, I made a comic about my experience speaking about it in front of the Philadelphia City Council.
I already talked about this in my last newsletter, but getting involved locally can lead to real dividends, even if just for your peace of mind.
This week on the Patreon starts a 36-page story about funny animals and gender feels. It’s journey. And it starts, as so many journeys do, on a boat.
It’s a story I started years ago, and I’m excited to finally finish it. Hope you’ll come along on the ride.
Good luck with the dragon.