Repair
The forgotten middle step
“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.”
— George Orwell, 1984
We all know that exertion leads to results. You face a challenge, you grow. Lift weights, become strong.
But this misses the critical middle step: you face a challenge; you rest; then you grow. Lift weights; drink, eat, stretch, and sleep well; get strong.
It's intuitive physically—you can't just on keep running and running. It's also important to acknowledge how critical the middle step is for emotional health and connection building. Challenges can make them more resilient, but only when given the proper conditions for repair.
This collection is part on subject, part random, and includes a personal story. It was typed to two new Khruangbin songs.
I
"And yet, whatever has been lost in translation in the long journey of my thoughts through the maze of civilization to your mind, I think you do understand me, and you think you do understand me. Our minds managed to touch, if but briefly and imperfectly.
Does the thought not make the universe seem just a bit kinder, a bit brighter, a bit warmer and more human?"
— Ken Liu, The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories
Once upon a time
We retreated to different rooms. Defiantly. The only ground that either of us would give was the physical space of the living room where things exploded.
On our way home we had passed by people protesting abortion. To my discomfort, Stella confronted one of them. He wouldn't respond to her or even look at her. So then reflexively I got in his face in a way I would not want to repeat. No matter how fucking smug he looked.
Needless to say, not a peaceful walk home. As we got in the door we got a little heated with each other. Then it boiled over.
My memory isn't good enough to confidently say this was our first big fight—but it was early on. What I am sure about is that in other relationships after a fight like this the topic would have become off limits.
Not explicitly, but there would have been an understanding. The subject would get treated like an inopportune bump-in at the grocery store: quick polite head nods at first, eventually masterclass proactive avoidance.
*Shrugs* "I dunno, it just never came up again."
In those cases, even when not addressed directly, residual hurt from the fight would still "heal". But only in the way a sprained ankle "heals" if you avoid ever moving it again.
Not this time around with SV thank freaking goodness. I feel very lucky that the temperature on this kind of discussion somehow manages to drop from scalding hot and come to rest at cozy warm.
Maybe a bit of laughter, maybe reassuring words—maybe begrudgingly at first. But with that cushioning, plus some distance and reflection, the topic gets re-approached*.
And I think this is a key thing about cherished relationships of all kinds: they challenge AND they repair better. They are anti-fragile.
We have difficult or awkward moments. I fall short in some way. And with the right environment, including a charitable view of intentions, it ends up unlocking a new level of understanding.
The abrasions get the attention, nutrition, and rest they need to repair. And the connection, like muscle fiber, repairs, stronger.
*In this specific case, it meant I got to feel a raw emotional resonance with the frustrating reality women face, constantly being told what to do with their bodies and for their health. Sometimes by medical professionals who admit causes are "unknown" while confidently doling out pharmaceutical band-aids. It put into new perspective for me how a random man using guilt, horror, and shock to try and exert control over women's bodies can become an example of a wider issue.
Plus it forced me to look squarely at my own aversion to confrontation. And what compels me to annoyingly and forcibly explore "the other side". Maybe I'm afraid of being misunderstood. And I want to be forgiven for the sins I commit as a result.
III
"Contrary to the cliché, it isn't really the thought that counts, but the effort which is to say, the inconvenience."
— Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks
IV
"Imagine that you have a thorn in your arm that directly touches a nerve... is a constant source of disturbance, and to solve the problem you have two choices.
The first choice is... you need to make sure nothing touches it. The second choice is to decide that since it's so disturbing when things touch the thorn, you need to take it out...
If you decide you have to keep things from touching the thorn that becomes the work of a lifetime... It affects all your decisions, including where you go, whom you're comfortable with, and who's comfortable with you."
— Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul
"Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside of you.
If we treat trauma as an external event, something that happens to or around us, then it becomes a piece of history we can never dislodge. If, on the other hand, trauma is what took place inside us as a result of what happened... then healing and reconnection become tangible possibilities...
Facing it directly without either denial or over-identification becomes a doorway to health and balance."
— Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal
A new psychologist friend specializes in PTSD and sees people who've been through hell I can probably barely understand. She said that her patients who can't, or weren't allowed, to discuss their disturbing events end up living with it day in and day out. But those who were able, or invited, to acknowledge, validate, and give their hell healthy attention are miraculously no longer defined by it.
MDMA therapy
"When you take MDMA it floods the brain with hormones and neurotransmitters that evoke feelings oftrust and well-being researchers say this allows patients to re-examine traumatic memories."
— The Economist, How MDMA is being used to treat PTSD
VII
"All the stars we see in the night sky are in our own Milky Way Galaxy... There are billions of other galaxies in the Universe. Only three galaxies outside our own can be seen without a telescope, and appear as fuzzy patches in the sky with the naked eye."
— NASA, The Milky Way Galaxy
Sniff sniff relax
Lord Huberman tells us that physiological sighs are the quickest way to get into a state of relaxation. He recommends 5 between each set in order to kick start the body's recovery process—where the real growth happens. The double inhale to open the lung sacs cycles more air and then the long exhale activates the parasympathetic system.
IX
"When Diapers.com refused Amazon’s acquisition offer, Amazon lit $100mn on fire, selling diapers way below cost for months, until Diapers.com went bust, and Amazon bought them for pennies on the dollar."
— Cory Doctorow, ‘Enshittification’ is coming for absolutely everything
X
"Nature does not bury or cremate her dead; she merely recycles it in naturally clean and pleasant ways. Death and decay are only horrifying in artificial contexts designed to foster illusions of timelessness, like monumental human built environments. Roadkill on a highway is fundamentally more horrifying than half-eaten carrion on a nature trail...
A world that desperately celebrates optimism and medicates pessimism is a world that is not truly willing to look at itself and contemplate the death and decay that must necessarily accompany life and growth."
— Venkatesh Rao, Charnel Vision
Last laughs
Fred Armisen, the niceguy comedic genius, can do every american accent? (YouTube)
Jacqueline Novak is an enlightening force (Netflix)
Shane Gillis on advice he got for his SNL monologue:
"Louis called me and said 'Just do your best jokes. Most of the people watching have never seen you do stand up.'
I was like 'Didn't you do new for your monologues?'
And he said, 'Shane, I'm so much better at stand up than you.'" (YouTube)
Los linkz
George Orwell, 1984 (Goodreads)
Ken Liu, The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories (Goodreads, 5 Bullet Friday newsletter)
Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul (Goodreads)
Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks (Goodreads)
Dr. Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal (Goodreads)
The Economist, How MDMA is being used to treat PTSD (YouTube)
NASA, The Milky Way Galaxy (Article)
Cory Doctorow, ‘Enshittification’ is coming for absolutely everything (Article)
Venkatesh Rao, Charnel Vision (Article)
Las chicas
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