Vanderpump Rules: Season 9 Reunion
Power Rankings with P
Welcome to Power Rankings with P, a newsletter ranking cast members on the reality shows I subject myself to on a weekly basis. What can I say? I love slop.
There are dozens of us who watched this season of Vanderpump Rules, dozens of us! A shadow of its former self, the once reality television titan became a slog to watch; long gone are the days of the SUR alley, chunky sweaters, rings on strings, Drive (2011), Miami Girls, and beers being dumped on heads. The first six seasons of Vanderpump Rules are undoubtedly some of the best seasons of not only *reality* television, but the medium of television as a whole, period. If The Real Housewives are reality soap operas, Vanderpump Rules is a prestige reality drama; it has more in common with Mad Men and Succession than Days of Our Lives or The Young & The Restless. A brutal yet hilarious character study on the worst people you could ever imagine, it is a rich text, meant to be studied and analyzed by the greatest minds of our generation.
Well, for the first 6 seasons, that is. Seasons 7 and 8 may have sucked, but I wasn't ready for our last glimpse of the former SURvers to be on a Zoom reunion. Following much uncertainty, cameras began rolling for a 9th time this past summer, and Vanderpump Rules was back! However, for the first time without either of the two characters who anchored it from the beginning, or the woman responsible for elevating the show into a true ensemble. Could the show survive without them?
Kind of. This season was unfortunately its worst. Not quite as bad as the Muncheausen season or Teddi's first outing on Beverly Hills, or the most recent season of New York City that I, nor nobody I know, finished. Yes, Vanderpump Rules Season 9 still had its moments; there are some shockingly dark story beats, as well as instances of pure comedy. It's a transitional season, into what could potentially be a very interesting Season 10, so long as it is renewed. I have some ideas on where they could go from here next season, which I've included in my Power Rankings. So, did the gang save the show? Well, let's see how the current cast of Vanderpump Rules ranked based on their reunion performances:
11. Lisa Vanderpump
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. As we know, Lisa Vanderpump likes to pick and choose when she shows up to reunions, so it was nice to see her! Par for the course with Vanderpump Rules reunions, Lisa didn't have much to offer this go around. Disappointing, as there was much for her to answer for this season, mostly pertaining to her relationship with a one Tom Schwartz. Earlier in the season, I found myself deeply unsettled while watching Lisa gleefully tagalong with Schwartz to the tattoo parlor while he got her initials branded on his ass. Incredibly disturbing, and yet unaddressed at the reunion. Curious! Lisa spent the earlier years of Vanderpump Rules lording over these goobers, and now she is groveling for them to get pedicures with her so she can still appear on the show; she's never looked so pathetic. Unrelated, but congrats to Kyle Richards on beginning production for Halloween Ends!
Season 10: Lisa is caught fucking Schwartz, outs herself as a loud and proud furry, and does not return to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
10. Brock Davies
Scheana sure knows how to pick 'em! Her latest beau and father of her daughter, Brock Davies, had a shocking and embarrassing first season and a reunion performance to match. This guy is clearly a grifter, and I worry for the futures of both Scheana and their daughter, Summer Moon. There's the domestic violence charges, the shady financial situation, needing a green card, and the obvious thirst for fame. I do not trust his intentions. Brock claimed to have never watched the show before meeting Scheana, but his analysis of Lala's character arc over the last 5 seasons has me suspicious. You're not fooling anyone, Brock. This guy just sucks!
Season 10: Most likely a Scheana and Brock wedding season. He tries to get his kids in Australia to attend all season long, ultimately fails when he won’t pay for them to fly out/they don’t want to.
9. Tom Schwartz
Upon learning of James and Raquel's failed engagement, Tom Schwartz remarks, “so many people never have that conversation, then 20 years later are like ‘I fucking hate you,’ so I admire, it’s a courageous thing what you guys did” straight faced, while his wife sits right next to him. The Maloney-Schwartz union is one of the darkest, most harrowing things to come out of Bravo, and they somehow manage to out do themselves year after year. Schwartz once again spent the season treating his wife horribly, even going as far as getting another woman's initials tattooed on his ass - real estate that was already claimed by his "Bubba" tattoo years prior. The “LVP” ass tat was one of the most shocking and twisted moments of the season - again, I wish it had been brought up during the reunion.
Season 10: Katie divorces Schwartz after Schwartz and Lisa come clean about their ongoing love affair. Schwartz becomes a live-in boy toy for Lisa, who eventually kicks him out after he brings another woman into Villa Rosa. That Tom Schwartz!
8. Tom Sandoval
In the early years of Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval was a reunion power player, never afraid to come for his cast mates, express his deep and many feelings, and hold the hand of his current girlfriend in front of his ex. Now, not so much. His biggest contribution to the reunion was collecting James after he walked off the set, a plus, and bringing up Randall drama - but no names, a negative. Kind of a wash for the St. Louis native. Perhaps if Katie and Schwartz had been there in-person, we could have gotten more out of our OGs.
Season 10: After years of privately dancing around the subject, Sandoval and Ariana finally open up their relationship. Tom begins hooking up with a parade of 21 year old West Hollywood twinks, while Schwartz & Sandy’s becomes a full fledged gay bar.
7. Katie Maloney-Schwartz
Had Katie attended the reunion in-person instead of via Zoom, she could maybe have ranked above Ariana. A full-on Katie vs Sandoval smackdown has been a long, long time coming, and I can't help but feel we were robbed of this during the season 9 reunion. Katie still tried, having no qualms bringing up Sandoval going MIA on Schwartz and their new restaurant in favor of his band, "Tom Sandoval & The Most Extras." Again, this moment would have resonated more had she been in-person, but Katie at least did what needed to be done. Special shout out to Katie and Tom for revealing they had an abortion 10 years ago; genuinely very cool and brave to reveal on television, a season highlight no doubt.
Season 10: Katie divorcing Schwartz would be a huge “Love Wins!” moment for miserably married women everywhere. Watching Katie bulldoze Schwartz throughout a divorce season would be insanely satisfying, cinematic even if she unleashed her full Tequila Katie rage. Sometimes, divorce is the answer!
6. Ariana Madix
When Ariana remembers she is on a reality show, she can deliver! Unfortunately, she spent the majority of the reunion, and truly, the past nine years of her life, disassociating and wondering where her life went wrong. But when she's good, she's good. She was serving face during the James and Raquel break-up, revealed tea about the state of Sandoval and Jax's relationship, had no problem screaming at Katie over nothing, and said what we all have been thinking all season long: ENOUGH with the pickle-ball! Perhaps her most strategic move was offering Lisa a stake in her and Katie's sandwich shop, guaranteeing her another storyline and therefore paycheck for next season, should there be one. Whether she likes it or not, Vanderpump Rules is and has been her life, nothing left to do other than accept it.
Season 10: Having opened up her relationship with Sandoval, Ariana begins exploring her bisexuality and starts dating a big, butch lesbian. Something About Her quickly evolves into a hot lesbian hangout.
5. Lala Kent
After doing her best to carry the season this past summer, I really wish Lala would have attended the reunion in-person. I’m okay with the darkness of Maloney-Schwartz staying far away from the studio, but Lala should have been there; her ranking could look very different if she had shown up! Breaking down Lala vs Scheana and Brock would have been better in-person, processing the Rand break-up would have been better in-person, seeing her reaction to James and Raquel would have been better in-person. Oh, what could have been! Still, even though she attended virtually, Lala showed up, something I have to give her props for considering her very public break-up with Rand this fall. She mostly answered for it, even if she was hypocritical in her response. She was as vulnerable as her Virgo sun would allow.
Season 10: Wrestles with the thought of getting with James again. Attempts to hook up with Ariana, but fails because Ariana hates her. After spending the front half of the season single, she finally goes for James. Is the spark they once had still there?
4. Charli Burnett
Considering she was such a non-factor this season, it feels odd ranking Charli so high. However, like she did in last year’s virtual reunion, Charli gave early Vanderpump Rules energy in her first in-person reunion performance. She would have fit right in back when James and Lala were first introduced in the mix and when Laura-Leigh, Kristina Kelly, Dani, and the like were storming the halls of SUR. Scheana is always the easiest target, but watching Charli come for her was entertaining, and her suggesting that Brock “clock in at SUR" to pay off his various debts was glorious. Love her energy! Charli Burnett could be the future of Vanderpump Rules.
Season 10: Breaks up with her boyfriend and dates someone at SUR, maybe a bartender. Brings her iconically messy friend Danica back into the fold, as well as some other SURvers to recreate that deranged spark that first hooked us back in season 1.
3. Raquel Leviss
When Raquel first arrived on the scene, I never would have expected her to turn in a reunion-defining performance. But here we are, four seasons after her debut, and she was an absolute star. Along with the cast and production team, I'm so thankful Raquel decided to break things off with James right in time for the reunion. Otherwise, we would have been left with a nothing-burger of a reunion, with little to no hope of the show returning for a tenth season. Raquel saw what needed to be done, and executed it flawlessly. Not only did she announce the end of her engagement, but she brought up the fact the two had not been having sex regularly since 2019, took the ring off, handed it back to James, and did so while remaining poised, sure of herself, and well-spoken. Plus, she got in an amazing dig at Lala, reminding us that she initially knew her as a mistress, and history seemed to be repeating itself. Iconic. Raquel seems like she is ready to begin her career as a pediatric occupational therapist, leaving her life in LA, and Vanderpump Rules, behind. If this is truly it for Raquel, she had a nice, classy send-off, and I wish her all the best.
Season 10: That final scene felt like a goodbye to our beloved Bambi-eyed-bitch. I understand her not wanting to subject herself to the potential James and Lala rekindling, but if she does come back, she should date a bartender at SUR who has at least a hundred pounds on her ex-fiancée.
2. Scheana Shay
Year after year, Scheana Shay clocks into Vanderpump Rules and gets to work. This season and reunion proved to be no exception. Scheana and her fiancée came off terribly in the reunion, but Scheana was at least entertaining. She immediately let us know how many followers her daughter has on Instagram (119k!), expresses anger over being sat on stage right, constantly needs to correct how long Brock has been paying child support (since 2019, not 2018), gives over-the-top reactions to literally everything, and refuses to own the fact that Brock did not successfully hang Charli's TV up in less than seven minutes. She even vigorously defends her desire to get married at James and Raquel's engagement party, a gorgeous reminder that Scheana was engineered for reality television. Scheana can't help but to be Scheana, and I salute her for her thankless work.
Season 10: Planning her wedding and raising a kid, it should be a quiet season for Scheana. But, of course, she will find ways to embarrass herself and make us cringe. Scheana Shay will always, always deliver. Trust.
1. James Kennedy
The number one guy in the group! James Kennedy absolutely owned this reunion. He showed up high, announced his failed engagement, and even had a walk off moment - all while looking fine as hell in his pink suit. There simply was no touching our California-sober DJ in what was the most vulnerable reunion performance in years. The soulmate conversation was raw and honest, he was combative when Raquel brought up their lack of a sex life, got snippy and sassy with Andy, and had no problem clapping back at Brock and his "big ogre voice," which was a true laugh out loud moment. James bared it all with the hope that he could save his 10 year old reality show. If he didn't succeed, James should know that his effort was commendable, and that he will always be remembered as reality TV gold. Crossing my fingers that he headlines Coachella someday.
Season 10: Is hesitant about trying again with Lala, but they both know it will only help the show, so they go for it anyway. Perhaps we could bring Logan, or another "close friend" of James's back into the mix. His mother continues to angle for her own spot on the show, with embarrassing results.
After a disappointing season, the reunion was aces. My biggest complaint was the lack of discussion on the firings of Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute, especially as Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright were both discussed. While I was not necessarily surprised they weren't brought up, I was still disappointed. Part of me thinks we haven't seen the last of Stassi Schroeder on Vanderpump Rules; her next book, Off With My Head: The Basic Bitch Guide to Surviving Rock Bottom, was announced the night the final part of the reunion aired. And with an April release, the book's debut ties into when filming would hypothetically begin again. I don’t know! Not addressing Stassi on the reunion leaves me with the feeling that the door is open for her to return, to yet again go on another redemption tour. As for Kristen Doute, I am certain she will never return to Vanderpump Rules.
I do think the remaining cast members have at least one more season in them. Will it be as great as those first six seasons? Not a chance, nothing could ever compare to the glorious beginnings of Vanderpump Rules. The reality television landscape is simply much different in 2022 than it was in 2012. I think of people like Bachelor in Paradise's Brendan and Pieper; not in it to make entertaining television, just in it to hawk cheap shit on Instagram. Vanderpump Rules was a moment in time, never to be replicated again. In many ways, the last great reality show. Thanks for reading! :)